Depression holds me like a ball and chain.

[Anchorchain]

We have some things in common, @UrbanRose. I'm way too much alone too much of the time as well.
I also feel like I'm not good enough to be friends with anyone.
There's something lacking in me too.

My only social contacts are structured volunteer activities and that may be as good as it gets for me.
But there's no quitting, UrbanRose.......we both have some control over our life.
Let's make something for ourselves that's worth looking forward to.

 

[UrbanRose]

We have some things in common, @UrbanRose. I'm way too much alone too much of the time as well.
I also feel like I'm not good enough to be friends with anyone.
There's something lacking in me too.

My only social contacts are structured volunteer activities and that may be as good as it gets for me.
But there's no quitting, UrbanRose.......we both have some control over our life.
Let's make something for ourselves that's worth looking forward to.

Your posts are so thoughtful, it surprises me greatly to hear that you can think so poorly of yourself. Thank you for coming back to my thread. I had improved, but 3 days ago, an "episode" of depression came on me. I had been up and down. On Monday my car broke down. It's very old and the mechanic said it would need massive repair work. So I sold it to a junk yard. The car was like a friend to me. Yesterday I felt like someone I loved died. It will be hard to replace it. I might not be able to for quite a while. Maybe not at all.

We do have something in common. I believed structured volunteer work might help me. I might make myself useful to some worthy cause. I should have got going on that a lot sooner. Now, with the car gone, it will be so much harder to get places. I wait too long to act on good ideas.

I took a taxi to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions. I decided to walk home. It was1.7 miles. I used to love to walk long distances. No more. I'm amazed I could still walk that distance. I got hungry from the walk and made a decent meal for myself. Then I actually cleaned up the kitchen nice and neat. I kept doing things because it was absorbing my attention, which made me less attentive to the monster chasing me in my head. I'm starting to dread the rest of the evening. I should think of somewhere to go tomorrow, so I don't sit in the house all day, letting the monster chase me around.

I reread the posts above. People on this website seem very caring. Thank you all for offering encouragement.

 

[Anchorchain]

@UrbanRose....Isn't it annoying when the logistics of living and our personal 'monsters' seem to collaborate with one another and make our lives more difficult? I'm thinking of your car here....

What you say about sitting in the house and the monster chasing you around pushes buttons for me.....because I've lived my own version of it.
My response? The last few years I've been deliberately improving my physical fitness. Every day. Walking is good, even around a circuit in my house, over and over....going outside is better. Lower body exercises and upper body exercises too. Lifting some weights.
Eating healthy is essential too.
OK....I'm talking about getting ahead of the monster.......one step at a time. When I see some actual improvement, like doing my 2 mile walk briskly without any difficulty, or managing 50 squats also without difficulty, and seeing on my digital pedometer that I've done 14,000 steps that day (I record my daily step count on a white board).......then I tell myself I'm outdistancing the monster.
The same goes for diligently following a Mediterranean type diet and liking it........more pats on my back, well done, Andy!
I'm not saying let's try out for the Olympics here, I'm only saying physical fitness has a big influence on our (can I use this term without being offensive?) our mental health and sense of well being.
And self value.

And volunteering goes a long way in the self value department too. To be honest with myself, I contribute time and effort at three different causes for myself firstly.......I'd be deluding myself to think I'm saving the world.
But I do push back at other peoples' monsters too. A little bit anyway.


So no car now and maybe not at all, eh? Get a bicycle. Faster and easier than walking and a good cardio exercise too.
One step away from the monster at a time.
And by the way, I gotta get up on the housekeeping myself. My living room, bedroom and kitchen are fine, but family room/office area and back porch have some majorly accumulated clutter zones. Pretty tacky.
Nobody's been in my house except for me for a couple of years, but who knows? A functional version of social life might start up again sometime. It'd be nice to be ready for it.
One step at a time.

 

[UrbanRose]

@UrbanRose....Isn't it annoying when the logistics of living and our personal 'monsters' seem to collaborate with one another and make our lives more difficult? I'm thinking of your car here....

What you say about sitting in the house and the monster chasing you around pushes buttons for me.....because I've lived my own version of it.
My response? The last few years I've been deliberately improving my physical fitness. Every day. Walking is good, even around a circuit in my house, over and over....going outside is better. Lower body exercises and upper body exercises too. Lifting some weights.
Eating healthy is essential too.
OK....I'm talking about getting ahead of the monster.......one step at a time. When I see some actual improvement, like doing my 2 mile walk briskly without any difficulty, or managing 50 squats also without difficulty, and seeing on my digital pedometer that I've done 14,000 steps that day (I record my daily step count on a white board).......then I tell myself I'm outdistancing the monster.
The same goes for diligently following a Mediterranean type diet and liking it........more pats on my back, well done, Andy!
I'm not saying let's try out for the Olympics here, I'm only saying physical fitness has a big influence on our (can I use this term without being offensive?) our mental health and sense of well being.
And self value.

And volunteering goes a long way in the self value department too. To be honest with myself, I contribute time and effort at three different causes for myself firstly.......I'd be deluding myself to think I'm saving the world.
But I do push back at other peoples' monsters too. A little bit anyway.


So no car now and maybe not at all, eh? Get a bicycle. Faster and easier than walking and a good cardio exercise too.
One step away from the monster at a time.
And by the way, I gotta get up on the housekeeping myself. My living room, bedroom and kitchen are fine, but family room/office area and back porch have some majorly accumulated clutter zones. Pretty tacky.
Nobody's been in my house except for me for a couple of years, but who knows? A functional version of social life might start up again sometime. It'd be nice to be ready for it.
One step at a time.

I have an appointment in a week to get my bicycle fixed. I haven't rode it in many years.

I feel awfully alone. I think about suicide. That sounds melodramatic. It is. I've thought about suicide, since I was 25 y.o. I won't say how long ago that was. I always was a loner, since third grade . . . not by choice.

My life is what I made it. I didn't work hard enough when I was young to have a lot when I got older. I was content with little. I always thought a car was not a necessity. I did without one a lot . . . when I was younger. As a senior, it's much harder. Partly, that's because I haven't kept myself fit.

 

[Anchorchain]

@ UrbanRose.....Engaging in this dialog with you raises my own spirits! Mostly because I feel awfully alone too. And also, I didn't work hard enough when I was young either......or actually, I didn't have any real career. Didn't have the self value to risk committing to pursue a career.....so I worked at blue collar construction jobs. And by the way, I'm 72 years old. I did manage to get logistically safe enough, even fairly comfortable. Not that happy though. But I can see some version of contentment on the horizon.......

OK, suicidal ideation. I'm no stranger to that, but not significantly for about 6 years. There's a story there.......
I talk to suicide attempters at the hospital where I volunteer with the chaplain and I've noticed something: Frequently they'll confide that they'd like to keep living but they need to end whatever constitutes their own personal black monster.......a lot of the time it's multiple issues jamming together. And a few have said, after trying the means they decided on, 'Oh shit......there's nothing here I couldn't eventually manage somehow except now I've taken this big step to the final exit'.

I guess that's what I'd encourage someone to be thinking: There's nothing the monster has that we can't eventually manage to de-fang or otherwise manage to subdue and so just keep going on this journey.
It's worth it. Probably no fairy tale happy-ever-after but there's no surrender.

 

[SFanon9631]

I feel awful bad. I am way too alone way too much of the time. It's awful hard to get out of bed. I hardly leave my apartment. I feel rejected by my family. They are thousands of miles away. I avoid bugging them. We don't have a lot of contact. They have no idea how much it means to me to hear from them. They have children and grandchildren. So their minds are busy with family matters. I never had kids. Since my boyfriend died of cancer, I've been very alone. Sometimes I really wish I could die. I'm not into self-harming. I'm not a danger to myself. I'm just awful alone and the sadness has been out of control today.

When I've tried to get treatment for depression, professionals don't seem to believe that I have a real mental health problem. When I'm not alone, I can make myself seem like I'm fine. I've done that all my life. I'm very afraid that I won't have what it takes to pull out of this. I know my life is what I've made of it. It seems like I have nothing to look forward to. The worst thing is that I can't get anyone to understand that I've just been holding on by my fingernails. At times I'm almost desperate to escape this aloneness. I feel like I'm not good enough to have any friends. There is something lacking in me. I'll always be lacking.

Wow are you and I similar. My family live thousands of miles away, too. I don't want to call them too often because they have children/lives if their own. My sweet wife died of cancer two days shy of our 24th anniversary. My best friend died in a car accident, and another close friend became very bitter (pretty sure he's getting divorced and just decided to blow up everything. And yes, I tried. I sent him again Christmas letter a year and a half ago, saying I value and miss our friendship, but he ghosted me. I get that I made my own choices and had some bad luck, too. But it's impossible to make friends later in life, other than old people. So I have some of them as friends. But they keep dying. So... I know I have basically no one, and will have truly no one once my elderly parents and my brother with major heart issues pass. I also don't really want to harm myself, though the thought of it all being done is very pleasant. I feel completely alone, and am quite certain that will only get worse going forward. Anyway, at least yiu know you're not alone in your experiences. At least you know there's a 50-something guy put there who feels as miserable as you. I don't want to die tonight as much as I normally do. But if someone breaks in and wants to kill me, as long as he's willing to do so quickly, I wouldn't have much objection.

 

[UrbanRose]

Wow are you and I similar. My family live thousands of miles away, too. I don't want to call them too often because they have children/lives if their own. My sweet wife died of cancer two days shy of our 24th anniversary. My best friend died in a car accident, and another close friend became very bitter (pretty sure he's getting divorced and just decided to blow up everything. And yes, I tried. I sent him again Christmas letter a year and a half ago, saying I value and miss our friendship, but he ghosted me. I get that I made my own choices and had some bad luck, too. But it's impossible to make friends later in life, other than old people. So I have some of them as friends. But they keep dying. So... I know I have basically no one, and will have truly no one once my elderly parents and my brother with major heart issues pass. I also don't really want to harm myself, though the thought of it all being done is very pleasant. I feel completely alone, and am quite certain that will only get worse going forward. Anyway, at least yiu know you're not alone in your experiences. At least you know there's a 50-something guy put there who feels as miserable as you. I don't want to die tonight as much as I normally do. But if someone breaks in and wants to kill me, as long as he's willing to do so quickly, I wouldn't have much objection.

I'm sorry that you've lost your dear wife . . . and your best friend. There are a lot of parallels in our lives. I'm not sure that makes me feel better, and I don't believe that an older person can only make friends with other elders. But I do realize that forming relationships is challenging, especially as we age. To still have your parents is a blessing. Mine have passed on. It seems that the older I get, the more I miss them. I've also lost a brother, just ten months ago . . . to excessive drug use. I don't wish heartache on anyone, but I do appreciate that others who have experienced sorrow are better able to understand what I'm struggling with. Thank you for sharing some of what you've had to recover from. I respect greatly that you are willing to invest your time and abilities in volunteer work to try and support others. I'm sorry that you

 

[UrbanRose]

I'm sorry that you've lost your dear wife . . . and your best friend. There are a lot of parallels in our lives. I'm not sure that makes me feel better, and I don't believe that an older person can only make friends with other elders. But I do realize that forming relationships is challenging, especially as we age. To still have your parents is a blessing. Mine have passed on. It seems that the older I get, the more I miss them. I've also lost a brother, just ten months ago . . . to excessive drug use. I don't wish heartache on anyone, but I do appreciate that others who have experienced sorrow are better able to understand what I'm struggling with. Thank you for sharing some of what you've had to recover from. I respect greatly that you are willing to invest your time and abilities in volunteer work to try and support others. I'm sorry that you feel as bad as you do.

 

[UrbanRose]

I'm sorry that you've lost your dear wife . . . and your best friend. There are a lot of parallels in our lives. I'm not sure that makes me feel better, and I don't believe that an older person can only make friends with other elders. But I do realize that forming relationships is challenging, especially as we age. To still have your parents is a blessing. Mine have passed on. It seems that the older I get, the more I miss them. I've also lost a brother, just ten months ago . . . to excessive drug use. I don't wish heartache on anyone, but I do appreciate that others who have experienced sorrow are better able to understand what I'm struggling with. Thank you for sharing some of what you've had to recover from. I respect greatly that you are willing to invest your time and abilities in volunteer work to try and support others. I'm sorry that you feel so bad.

 

[UrbanRose]

@ UrbanRose.....Engaging in this dialog with you raises my own spirits! Mostly because I feel awfully alone too. And also, I didn't work hard enough when I was young either......or actually, I didn't have any real career. Didn't have the self value to risk committing to pursue a career.....so I worked at blue collar construction jobs. And by the way, I'm 72 years old. I did manage to get logistically safe enough, even fairly comfortable. Not that happy though. But I can see some version of contentment on the horizon.......

OK, suicidal ideation. I'm no stranger to that, but not significantly for about 6 years. There's a story there.......
I talk to suicide attempters at the hospital where I volunteer with the chaplain and I've noticed something: Frequently they'll confide that they'd like to keep living but they need to end whatever constitutes their own personal black monster.......a lot of the time it's multiple issues jamming together. And a few have said, after trying the means they decided on, 'Oh shit......there's nothing here I couldn't eventually manage somehow except now I've taken this big step to the final exit'.

I guess that's what I'd encourage someone to be thinking: There's nothing the monster has that we can't eventually manage to de-fang or otherwise manage to subdue and so just keep going on this journey.
It's worth it. Probably no fairy tale happy-ever-after but there's no surrender.

Thank you for your very empathetic post.

I'm scared I won't be able to defang the monster. Yesterday and the day before were awful. I'm scared. I normally do pretty well with solitude, but the aloneness of these past 4 days has felt excruciating. I've wanted to call my sisters, but I'm afraid. When I think of something I would normally like to do, I remember that it would require a car, and my car is gone. The car was like a dear friend. I bought it almost brand new and drove it for 22 years. It was a nice, full- sized sedan. It felt like a comforting cocoon. It was my safe place. For 4 years, I used it to get to a job 90 miles away. Sometimes I'ld be over-tired driving, so I'ld pull into a truck stop and sleep in the back seat. I had shades to put over the windows. I used to have a dog. We would go on adventures in the car. My dog died in 2007. That was hard on me, but I managed to recover from the pain of losing her. I am feeling bad grief over losing the car, almost like it was a family member or a pet.

I thought yesterday about going to the animal shelter and adopting another dog. I fear making a big commitment like that, while I'm this depressed and upset. Plus, even doing that requires a car.

It's hard to believe that this awful feeling will go away. It must because I can't live like this. But this feels permanent. I know I've been this far down before and managed to rebound back to normal. I'm scared I won't this time.

 

[may71]

There are a number of electric micro-transport options now, like ebikes. Some of them are pretty affordable. That could extend your travel range and make travel easier. That said, the older you get, the more serious the consequences of falls tend to be, so if you want to try an option like that, you might want to find one that's very stable, depending on how old you are.

Have you looked into any low-cost replacement options for your car? It sounds like you really liked having a car, so maybe you could find an affordable replacement option if you shop around. I'm not sure if 211 could help with something like that, but maybe.

In the US, there's local Councils on Aging that may have activities for older adults. https://www.ncoa.org/ncoa-map can help you find local COA's.

Road Scholar (formerly known as Elderhostel) is not-for-profit travel and tour organization mostly geared toward older people. It's based in the US but has programs around the world. The travel itself might be fun, but also a great way to meet other older people.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Road_Scholar
https://www.roadscholar.org/

The wikipedia article says they also offer a limited number of scholarships if you can't afford travel.

I thought yesterday about going to the animal shelter and adopting another dog.

I hope you'll eventually be able to get another dog. It would probably be good to pick a dog that would have low vet needs, and you'd have to be sure you'd have an option to get the dog to the vet when you'd need to, but it still might be possible. As long as you wouldn't have to go to the vet very often and a vet is available within a short distance, ride sharing services might be sufficient to get you there (assuming ride shares allow dogs, I'm not sure if they do).

I hope something can help.

 

[Anchorchain]

I'm with May71.......I'd encourage you to find some kind of transportation option. I'd say that's pretty important on the list of logistical tasks.
Adopting another dog? Probably a super idea if you know that you're ready for it.

As for fear that you can't pull out of this bad zone you're in.........fear doesn't change anything. OK, that's my opinion. Fear only has the power that you give it. Defy your fear. Talk to it. Tell your fear and yourself......I'm not giving in to fear. And proceed with being alive, one step at a time. A healthy meal. A swept floor. An exercise session. A visit to the library and locate a book you like.
And keep coming back here 'cos I for one will be checking to see how you're doing and I think other caring people on this forum will be thinking about you too.

 

[UrbanRose]

There are a number of electric micro-transport options now, like ebikes. Some of them are pretty affordable. That could extend your travel range and make travel easier. That said, the older you get, the more serious the consequences of falls tend to be, so if you want to try an option like that, you might want to find one that's very stable, depending on how old you are.

Have you looked into any low-cost replacement options for your car? It sounds like you really liked having a car, so maybe you could find an affordable replacement option if you shop around. I'm not sure if 211 could help with something like that, but maybe.

In the US, there's local Councils on Aging that may have activities for older adults. https://www.ncoa.org/ncoa-map can help you find local COA's.

Road Scholar (formerly known as Elderhostel) is not-for-profit travel and tour organization mostly geared toward older people. It's based in the US but has programs around the world. The travel itself might be fun, but also a great way to meet other older people.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Road_Scholar
https://www.roadscholar.org/

The wikipedia article says they also offer a limited number of scholarships if you can't afford travel.



I hope you'll eventually be able to get another dog. It would probably be good to pick a dog that would have low vet needs, and you'd have to be sure you'd have an option to get the dog to the vet when you'd need to, but it still might be possible. As long as you wouldn't have to go to the vet very often and a vet is available within a short distance, ride sharing services might be sufficient to get you there (assuming ride shares allow dogs, I'm not sure if they do).

I hope something can help.

It's like you're reading my mind. Thanks so much for talking about these options. I've been googling electric bikes and adult tricycles. Of course, you know how the Internet works . . . everytime I go online, ads for these things keep popping up. That's actually good because I'm hungry for all the info I can get. It just so happens that I live in a place that has about the best climate going for getting around on two or three wheels. We have sunshine over 300 days of the year. My part of town is also quite level, which makes bike travel easier. A lot of the ads for trikes show a person with a small dog in a rear basket.

I do have an appointment to get my regular bicycle cleaned and fixed up. But the electrified types would allow me to do much more. Those trikes can be fitted with large baskets that can carry bags of groceries. I'm thinking it would be good to have both.

Depression the last 4 days has been brutal. Today I have scrounged up some hope.

 

[may71]

Today I have scrounged up some hope.

That's good

Hugs

 

[UrbanRose]

I'm with May71.......I'd encourage you to find some kind of transportation option. I'd say that's pretty important on the list of logistical tasks.
Adopting another dog? Probably a super idea if you know that you're ready for it.

As for fear that you can't pull out of this bad zone you're in.........fear doesn't change anything. OK, that's my opinion. Fear only has the power that you give it. Defy your fear. Talk to it. Tell your fear and yourself......I'm not giving in to fear. And proceed with being alive, one step at a time. A healthy meal. A swept floor. An exercise session. A visit to the library and locate a book you like.
And keep coming back here 'cos I for one will be checking to see how you're doing and I think other caring people on this forum will be thinking about you too.

Words of real wisdom. I will contemplate them.

The last few days were nightmarish, in how deeply depressed I got. When I fall into an emotional tailspin, it can become a trip through hell. My life has not been ruined, but my mental state can make it so. I'm real good at talking myself into despair. At least, I'm better today than I was.

 

[UrbanRose]

I'm very depressed. I feel like I've lost the few connections to people that I had.

 

[Anchorchain]

@ UrbanRose......Will you accept it if I pass to you a life preserver, as if you're in over your head at the deep end of the pool?
You and I have a connection, Rose, it's a modern, virtual type, tech transmitted connection, but we're two people who have connected and I'm not going away.

 

[may71]

Hugs UrbanRose

 

[UrbanRose]

@ UrbanRose......Will you accept it if I pass to you a life preserver, as if you're in over your head at the deep end of the pool?
You and I have a connection, Rose, it's a modern, virtual type, tech transmitted connection, but we're two people who have connected and I'm not going away.

Thanks for offering the life preserver. My situation feels that dire.

 

[Survivorist]

@UrbanRose

I hardly leave my apartment. I feel rejected by my family. They are thousands of miles away. I avoid bugging them. We don't have a lot of contact. They have no idea how much it means to me to hear from them. They have children and grandchildren. So their minds are busy with family matters. I never had kids. Since my boyfriend died of cancer, I've been very alone.

I can fully understand you, my family rejected me for years. I have a son - and have done everything for him over all the years. Now he is airline pilot, lives his life and actually I have not seen him since 1,5 years. The remaining rest of my family (I do not even know if they are still alive or not) is in Germany - and I will never hear from them again. Contact broken. I have been, where you are - difficult to get out of bed, difficult to shower, difficult to make contact - especially in a foreign country and just now, after 3 years I manage the language well. But I came out of it. Apart from my wife (separated due to visa issues) I am alone but now I love it. I spent my time to build up with

a) medical help of a nice doctor (actually nearly a friend now - I never have to wait etc.)
b) I never ate soups out of cans - its better to have fruits beside the bed. Bananas, apples, pears, juice, muesli....
c) Cleaning apartment - if you feel a little stronger, you will have to start this - landlord can be nasty. Take good care (except it belongs to you).

When I've tried to get treatment for depression, professionals don't seem to believe that I have a real mental health problem. When I'm not alone, I can make myself seem like I'm fine.

Show them how you really are - honestly. I was happy, when taking the bus and nobody wanted to sit beside me.... Some people are to stupid to realize, what you say is true, because or if you do not look like it.

What brought me out (after all in all nearly 3 years):
Slowly starting to walk every day (eg. a little sport). And this grew and grew.... Now every day for hours.
Then I had a little more physical force and started to clean the apartment, - later daily, prepared food and started actually to cook quite good. Did not know I could do this..?
Then I started creativity (wrote a book, make music, started to travel...).

What I see from others (I live in a small village and there are 50% old people and 50% below 30...) - many of them have a dog. Just to be not alone and to be forced to go out. Today I enjoy being alone - while waiting for my wife to come (only some months left now). If I want to have fun - I walk in the nature, pray, read.... I wish you with all my heart that you find the power to leave your bed. You can sleep long enough later on. And sometimes, we have to force ourselves a little bit. If I would be there now. I would clean the apartment with you. Two days - all is done. Want to bet? With heartfelt greetings from Senegal, Spain.... Listen and get better:

I promise you - it's possible. If I was able to do it, you will be too.