I'm not sure if I suffer from depression or I'm just very lonely. After university I moved from the country I was studying in back home to Canada and since then I haven't been able to feel like I've made any real friends that I can connect with. I lost contact with most of my friends who live abroad, and I never had any close friends at home from before I left. I've reconnected with 2 people here from middle school but I don't feel like I can really be myself around them, I feel like I have to act a certain way around them. I also don't see them very often at all, one of them I only see a few times a year. I did meet another person here who I really feel like I can be myself around, and when we hang out I always feel way better and not sad at all. That person seems to like hanging out with me too, but at the end of the day we only hang out about once a month, if that, and I'm always the one who initiates us meeting up. If I don't send a text I will never hear from this person. Now I'm aware that it isn't because this person is malicious in any way, I understand that they have their own life and their own issues and already many friends of their own, but because this is the only person I can connect with it hurts. Often times I feel so lonely and sad now that I can't enjoy food or reading or drawing, nature, or really anything. Not even being around horses makes me feel better. Some days I can't stop crying or get out of bed and to be honest I see suicide as the only way out, but hurting my family is the last thing I want to do. Mainly I'm wondering if depression can also be triggered by circumstance? Or does it have to be something that there is no explanation for? About a month ago a therapist I saw told me that depression is an illness that goes away. But then later he said that to be happy a person needs to have good friends, and people they're close to. Is depression an illness if you know why it's happening? Would a normal person in my situation still want to die? I don't know if this is appropriate to post here, I'm just really confused because I've seen 2 therapists recently and neither have given me much help. This has also been going on for two years now, and it's been really bad for the past year. I also get very bad anxiety, which I've had since I've been a little kid, and I think isolation is making it a lot worse. If anyone replies I want to say thank you.
depression or loneliness?
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Hi Mute! I think depression is magnified by our circumstances so in that sense I suppose the cause can appear to be our circumstance. Not really sure what the cause is. I've been told it is an imbalance in our chemical makeup. Whatever the cause the living through of it is what can be so very hard.
The more isolated I am the worse I feel - sad, lethargic, self-loathing. A support system of friends and people that allow me to express myself without fear of being judged makes a BIG difference for me. At my worst there is no energy, no pleasure in things I love, just a sense that I must slog through the day and my responsibilities because others depend on me functioning. On better days I have a little energy and there are things that make me smile (or even laugh) now and then.
When I am most overwhelmed and feeling completely alone then my thoughts take me to wanting to end my life. It isn't really that I want to die but I feel so alone and hopeless and helpless that death seems the only way to stop the hurt. Your therapists have probably been trying to help you see that connection to others (as you know) helps in the battle of this illness. I find that a little frustrating because I think we long for that connection and yet how to get that and how to trust that others want us around them is not obvious or clear.
I think you are on the right path and you want the things that make life grand. The confusion is understandable because the whole experience can seem like quite a paradox. Keep posting and interacting here while you also continue to find those in real life that add to your life. Try to be kind to yourself and know that, even when you don't feel it, you are special, you are a treasure and those who can make that clear for you are making their way into your life. ♥
The more isolated I am the worse I feel - sad, lethargic, self-loathing. A support system of friends and people that allow me to express myself without fear of being judged makes a BIG difference for me. At my worst there is no energy, no pleasure in things I love, just a sense that I must slog through the day and my responsibilities because others depend on me functioning. On better days I have a little energy and there are things that make me smile (or even laugh) now and then.
When I am most overwhelmed and feeling completely alone then my thoughts take me to wanting to end my life. It isn't really that I want to die but I feel so alone and hopeless and helpless that death seems the only way to stop the hurt. Your therapists have probably been trying to help you see that connection to others (as you know) helps in the battle of this illness. I find that a little frustrating because I think we long for that connection and yet how to get that and how to trust that others want us around them is not obvious or clear.
I think you are on the right path and you want the things that make life grand. The confusion is understandable because the whole experience can seem like quite a paradox. Keep posting and interacting here while you also continue to find those in real life that add to your life. Try to be kind to yourself and know that, even when you don't feel it, you are special, you are a treasure and those who can make that clear for you are making their way into your life. ♥
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