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Depression rant..

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Jun 10, 2009.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Im having a hard time dealing with my depression right now, more so then usual. I sat down and took a look back on my life. I saw a little pattern emerging there.. Its almost like Im not worthy of having anything decent and good, and if I do get something decent and good Im not worthy of having it last. I cant live the rest of my life feeling like this, I cant stand another 60 years of depression - birth, suffer, suffer, suffer, die..I cant take it.. Id welcome dieing (I dont want to kill myself but Id welcome it if someone else would do it for me) but I wouldnt want to die knowing my whole life has been useless. I havent accomplished anything worth accomplishing and I never will. I sat down and thought about it. I was a sick child, they told my mom I wouldnt live more then 24 hours after birth. I was abused when I got a bit older and no one believed me about it until years later when all the trauma sunk in. I have never felt good about myself, never felt beautiful, never felt worthy of anything good. I have spent my life feeling angry and wanting vengance against the world thats wronged me.. My depression is now worse then ever.. I realized that when I met my husband my self worth had been restored, I finally felt like a beautiful human being who was worth being loved. Then he cheated on me, it was a one time thing and hasnt happened again, and my self worth was took away again. I started feeling worthless, ugly, useless, and like garbage. Then when my son was born and deep depression set in again things got worse and I lost all controll over my life. Controll which I have yet to regain.. I cant take medications because I dont have insurance and they cost more for a months supply then I get total in a month. I dont qualify for free medications and I dont qualify for a medical card thru the county dhhr. Even if I could take medications I wouldnt want to because I have been allergic to the last dozen I have tried and in the past they never helped much anyhow.. I dont think I can deal with depression for the rest of my life, at least not this bad of depression..
     
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