Despair

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Lauramarie, Jun 3, 2014.

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  1. Lauramarie

    Lauramarie Member

    I'm sorry to all negative but I just needed to let some things out and didn't know where to turn I live far from family and friends and although I have some people at work I'm cool with its not a pour your heart out type of relationship. People have their own issues and problems and done want to bothered with others. I'm just so sad and lonely. I have a "boyfriend". I put it in quotes because we are really more roommates. I work two full time jobs and he doesn't work. He is disgusted by me because I'm not pretty and quite over weight. It has been months since he has touched me at all and frankly I don't blame him. He says its just not his way but that is bs because we had a friend hanging out with us awhile he couldn't keep his hands off she even told me it made her uncomfortable. She has moved away but that was just a symptom today he made a comment about how I dress. I tried to dress nicer for him but apparently not good enough. Anyone I tell say he is only using me and I need to go but I can't do it. I've always been the ugly fat friend no one wanted. I spent 34 years alone and I just can't handle it again. The only other bf I've had was the same. They would rather do things themselves sometimes with me right there than with me because I'm so repulsive. I don't smoke or do drugs my drug of choice is work I numb myself by working myself 70-80 hours a week. I just hurt so bad all I've ever wanted is to be loved. To have a companion who would hold my hand as we walk and was proud to be with me I have lost 100 lbs but I'm not tiny and never will be. I know people have way worse problems and that is why I have no one to talk to. I've always been an odd person who people like but don't get close to. When I see things about loving mothers and fathers with cancer or kids who are sick or killed in accidents I think why couldn't I be taken instead of them?? I'm useless and not important to anyone. Give my life to someone who is needed and loved. Again sorry for being maudlin and whiny about such trivial things. Thanks for the outlet
     
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi Lauramarie and welcome to the forums!

    First off.. I want to quote a few things here:

    1.
    If someone loves you, you are beautiful just because of who you are.. plus there are many men out there that like overweight women.. if thats how you think you will always be, perhaps you should look for men that prefer overweight women.. and if you think you aren't pretty just cuz you are overweight... thats not true... my husband tells me "you're overweight, but you're still really cute.. i like that!" thats the kind of thing you need to hear.. and the man that loves you and is attracted to overweight women will tell you that.

    2.
    Again, if someone loves you .. you don't have to try hard to make them notice you and think "oh wow... you look great!" .. its nice to surprise them from time to time and dress a lil nicer or sexier .. but it sounds to me like.. you are trying and he's still not showing interest. That tells me... he is not in love with you at all. Sorry to sound so mean or crass.. not trying to.. I'm saying this because I know what it is to be in a long relationship with someone only to find out ... he never loved you.. and trust me, its better to find out sooner rather than later.

    3.
    I believe beauty radiates from the inside, not the outside. I know that sounds cliche... but quite honestly.. there are people out there that are 110 lbs and sexy looking... but yet.. people pass by them because when they get to know them, they are rude or crass or otherwise just not fun to be around... those people then become "ugly" to the ones that know them. Overweight people may have a hard time getting people to "notice" them which... isn't really fair.. but, it is what it is.. but.. if you are friendly, and fun to be around ... you become "nice looking" to people.. and if someone falls in love with you.. you become "cute" or even "beautiful" ... They say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" .. I believe thats because the person that sees that beauty sees deeper than just the skin.

    4.
    This statement causes me to wonder if perhaps you could be a codependant. Check out this definition of codependency from WebMD and see if it describes you or relationships (both past and present) at all:

    "Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself," Tessina says. "It's kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn't sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that's what it is. It means you're trying to make the relationship work with someone else who's not."

    5.
    Again, that tells me he (they) don't have intimate feelings for you at all.. intimacy is more than just sex btw... it means love, tenderness, caring, sexual attraction, flirting, sharing of most private secrets and fears.

    6.
    Wow!! That's awesome.. you should be celebrating that.. and not following it up by thinking you're not good enough as this seems to say:
    Lastly, I'm going to say something to you that I say to pretty much everyone I meet on here...

    We are all here because we have issues. It doesn't matter what that issue is .. or how big or small someone else may perceive it to be. The reason it doesn't matter is because.. we are all different.. 2 ppl can be in the exact same place, at the exact same time, see the exact same thing.. and yet process it TOTALLY different... one may feel fear while the other feels humor at seeing a clown for instance. So there is no way to accurately measure the "size" of a problem or issue... other than this: Does it hurt you? Does it have an impact on your life? If you answer "yes" to both of those questions, its significant.. and thats ALL that matters.

    I am glad you are here.. I hope you do not take offense to anything I have said.. I have said it all with the best of intentions and no ill will or cruelty intended. I do hope you will continue to post here and perhaps come meet with us in chat sometime too. You are not the only one here that is lonely or frustrated in their relationships and its causing them great emotional pain. There is no shame in that.

    By the way.. try smiling a bit.. if only at yourself, in the mirror... even if you don't feel like smiling.. it will do 2, possibly 3 things after you do this for awhile:

    1. Give you more self confidence
    2. Let you see the beauty that radiates out of you when you smile.
    3. Let you feel a bit happier inside...
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun do something for YOU ok get rid of his sorry ass tell him to get out and stay out ok You are IMPORTANT you are BEAUTIFUL don't let anyone make you feel less ok
    hugs
     
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Fantastic advice, both!! Absolutely fantastic - Laura - this "bf" is a waste of time as far as your self-esteem is concerned, don't feel sorry for him, he is abusing you and you are NOT to blame for it hun. Don't listen to anything negative he wants to intimidate with, just say that you're fed up with his treatment of you, you actually deserve way better - and rejoice in all your significant losses, they can actually only do you a bundle of good!
     
  5. Lauramarie

    Lauramarie Member

    Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I take no offense as I know what you say to be true. I hate myself further for staying in this situation even though it hurts me everyday. I lived him since I was 19 and now that he is Eli g to be with me it's hard to let it go. I just wish I could be what he wants. I'm such a pathetic woman who needs a man even a toxic one. Did I mention he is a hardcore alcoholic so absolutely agree on the co depends by thing. My pay off is I'm needed I'm sitting into truck crying in the Walmart parking lot as I read and reply. Not wanting to go home and face gyhe indifference he says he loves me and does nice things just not intimate things.
     
  6. Lauramarie

    Lauramarie Member

    Oh and I live in Glorida land of tony girls in bikinis. I'm the last one any guy looks at and I have to have my heart ripped out every time we leave the house watching him gawk at them and knowing I will never see him look at me that way and if I ever say it hurts he says every guy does it and I need to not be so sensitive
     
  7. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    It's like you are in a catch-22 situation Laura, you know it's hurting you for the long-term, and yet your short-term makes you of the opinion you could not leave. But for the sake of the long term - we do ourselves a favour if we can accept the short-term pain for the long-term gain. You think you are a pathetic woman because of not being able to change things for the better. But there is no gain without some sort of pain, I hope you can see that.
    Can you try saying to him "in order to get some things sorted in my life, I need for us to be separate for a while"? Because it's true. If you make this your plan, and then give yourself time for YOU, putting him in the shadows for a while, you will be getting the priorities where they need to be to develop faith in your worth and value as the unique person that you are :)
     
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