Different stages of depression? Am I heading the right way?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by PaperFlame, Sep 15, 2013.

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  1. PaperFlame

    PaperFlame Active Member

    Recently I have felt better in regard to my suicidal thoughts and feelings, or rather thoughts of suicide have all but gone away. I'm still depressed, that is clear but I feel I am better, or am I deceiving myself?

    Just to explain: the last three years I have been down in the dumps. I worked alot, felt like shit and thought daily of offing myself, came close to doing the deed. I sought help and visited a cbt who forwarded me to a clinical psychiatrist. With this I also got meds, which helped a little. Mostly the meds that helped me sleep were a life saver since I was working 12 hour days, 7 days a week, and also taking care of my kids. Sleep was not forthcoming. I went from sleeping 3-5 hrs a night to 11-12 hours and it helped.

    My workload has lessened considerably now and I quit my meds (by my own volition) abt 3 months ago. Am feeling normal again for the first time in a while. BUT, like I said I still am depressed.

    Now, the thing that weirds me out is when I think of suicide like I did before, I don't feel any feelings towards the suicide. Before what has stoppedme is the thought of my kids growing up without their dad. Now, it does not matter, I feel numb about it. I am not contemplating on doing it, but still I should feel something, should I not? This all makes me wonder if I somehow am deceiving myself, lying to myself to feel better when in fact I am subconciously falling apart. I feel stronger, but is it an illusion.

    Does someone have any experience with this type of thing or any words of wisdom? I would greatly appreciate any input, good or bad :)
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think stopping your meds when you are still depressed could be a negative thing hun as the meds would keep that sadness at bay more. I think with time the depression does lessen some as we keep ourselves busy and move forward in our lives I don't think you are deceiving yourself just suicide is idea now and that is all it is nothing more hugs
  3. fransigne

    fransigne Active Member

    Ive had thoughts of suicide off and on for over 15 years. I dont see it the way I used to see it anymore because it is so common to think about.
  4. PaperFlame

    PaperFlame Active Member

    Thanks for taking the time to reply. That is what I am abit afraid: having gotten used to the thought of suicide, making it a commonplace thing...

    Yeah I stopped my meds because I felt I was getting nowhere with them so decided that I have to figure this out without them. I have come to the point that I will probably be depressed for the rest of my life and dont want to use meds that time, not if I can help it.
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