disappointed in myself

[sadhart]

Last night, I decided to take a walk to the movies. It had been awhile since I did so as I guess I have gotten used to driving to where I needed to go. I was glad I went to the movies for the most part, but it was the walk back that I regretted. In the past, the downtown in my area was more or less deserted on Christmas Eve. I suppose I forgot how much growth has taken place over the last several years as that wasn't really the case last night. I know I talk about it too much but it really sucks being reminded of how inadequate I feel around people, whether it be groups, or families or (wait for it) couples. I held my head down with just about every couple I saw. On the walk to the movies i reflected a bit and tried to tell myself how much I appreciated the journey over the destination when it came to doing stuff like that. But I just lost that feeling once I was around other people. At once point I walked past a bar. The door was open and some familiar smells hit me. A part of me wanted to go in and throw away nearly six years of sobriety. But one reason I didn't was that it was loud and I just would have looked way out of place to the people I saw hanging out outside. So....guess inadequacy helped in some odd way.

Thought about going to a meeting then a drive around since the idea most people would be with family and stuff and so not many people on the road. But i'm not sure if I will do that now. Anyway, sorry for sounding so petty with this.

 

[Livelife]

Last night, I decided to take a walk to the movies. It had been awhile since I did so as I guess I have gotten used to driving to where I needed to go. I was glad I went to the movies for the most part, but it was the walk back that I regretted. In the past, the downtown in my area was more or less deserted on Christmas Eve. I suppose I forgot how much growth has taken place over the last several years as that wasn't really the case last night. I know I talk about it too much but it really sucks being reminded of how inadequate I feel around people, whether it be groups, or families or (wait for it) couples. I held my head down with just about every couple I saw. On the walk to the movies i reflected a bit and tried to tell myself how much I appreciated the journey over the destination when it came to doing stuff like that. But I just lost that feeling once I was around other people. At once point I walked past a bar. The door was open and some familiar smells hit me. A part of me wanted to go in and throw away nearly six years of sobriety. But one reason I didn't was that it was loud and I just would have looked way out of place to the people I saw hanging out outside. So....guess inadequacy helped in some odd way.

Thought about going to a meeting then a drive around since the idea most people would be with family and stuff and so not many people on the road. But i'm not sure if I will do that now. Anyway, sorry for sounding so petty with this.

I'm sorry you had such a mixed experience. I'm glad you remain sober whether you go to a meeting or not. I hope we achieve some needed peace today. Sending a Hug.

 

[may71]

Anyway, sorry for sounding so petty with this.

I don't think you sound petty, you're just telling people about how you feel, and it's good that you're doing that.

At once point I walked past a bar. The door was open and some familiar smells hit me.

One of the things that strikes me about this is that just like with your reaction to couples, there are some things that trigger some automatic responses.

Maybe there's a way to stay away from bars to avoid that response, but staying away from couples is a harder thing to do. The way I see it, maybe there's a way to use something like CBT to change the way you respond to the same stimulus.

It sounds like you might imagine the couples are happy, and then you feel inadequate about being single. If instead you imagined the couples being miserable together, or headed for a disaster, maybe seeing couples wouldn't create a negative reaction in you.

Anyway, just a thougth about that.

 

[sadhart]

I don't think you sound petty, you're just telling people about how you feel, and it's good that you're doing that.

One of the things that strikes me about this is that just like with your reaction to couples, there are some things that trigger some automatic responses.

Maybe there's a way to stay away from bars to avoid that response, but staying away from couples is a harder thing to do. The way I see it, maybe there's a way to use something like CBT to change the way you respond to the same stimulus.

It sounds like you might imagine the couples are happy, and then you feel inadequate about being single. If instead you imagined the couples being miserable together, or headed for a disaster, maybe seeing couples wouldn't create a negative reaction in you.

Anyway, just a thougth about that.

I'm not really that triggered by going by bars, because alcohol is more or less everywhere. As is the case last night, the loud music and crowds inside would not have made for a pleasant drinking experience for me.

The thing with couples though is a little harder. I recall a couple who clearly had a toxic relationship and were not good for each other, but that was just it...they stayed together or one of them just didn't want to leave the other or something. In that case, it hurts because it's like the way I've been rejected for things like being "too good" (whatever the hell that means) and yet, here's someone being as awful as they can be but somehow still manages to be worth staying with. And it's not that I'm so desperate that I would want to be in a terrible relationship. But not being worth that chance while others are feels like some kind of twisted joke that is not funny to me.

 

[sadhart]

I'm sorry you had such a mixed experience. I'm glad you remain sober whether you go to a meeting or not. I hope we achieve some needed peace today. Sending a Hug.

Didn't go to a meeting but did randomly drive. Some unnerving moments, but it was nice to wander and explore a bit. I hope you some peace today.

 

[Livelife]

Didn't go to a meeting but did randomly drive. Some unnerving moments, but it was nice to wander and explore a bit. I hope you some peace today.

We are alike in that way I’m seeing….drives on roads, empty ones, soothe and calm me and even better with the windows open🚙🚲and glad you are sober period. Thank you for hopes for peace, the day is 3/4 done. So we did it!🎯

 

[may71]

But not being worth that chance while others are feels like some kind of twisted joke

I'm sorry that it makes you feel that way. I don't think it has to be that way though. I guess you'd have to develop a new kind of mental association that's triggered when you see couples.

 

[sadhart]

I'm sorry that it makes you feel that way. I don't think it has to be that way though. I guess you'd have to develop a new kind of mental association that's triggered when you see couples.

It doesn't always make me feel that way. There are times where it doesn't bother me. But I'm not sure if there is any kind of way to completely not be bothered by it. As much as I try to avoid saying this outright, I'm lonely, and being so is hard at times.

 

[iloverachel]

It doesn't always make me feel that way. There are times where it doesn't bother me. But I'm not sure if there is any kind of way to completely not be bothered by it. As much as I try to avoid saying this outright, I'm lonely, and being so is hard at times.

I'm sorry you feel so alone my friend
I hope the next year is much better for you

 

[may71]

But I'm not sure if there is any kind of way to completely not be bothered by it. As much as I try to avoid saying this outright, I'm lonely, and being so is hard at times.

Feeling lonely doesn't mean you have to be triggered by couples. There are other people who are lonely, but who aren't triggered by couples.

 

[sadhart]

Feeling lonely doesn't mean you have to be triggered by couples. There are other people who are lonely, but who aren't triggered by couples.

Okay, when I say triggered, I don't mean like I'm going off on the couples I see or something. I for the most part internalize the pain I feel. And I'm sorry, but with all due respect, good for those who aren't bothered by such things. But I'm sorry because I don't think saying that is really helpful.

 

[sadhart]

I'm sorry you feel so alone my friend
I hope the next year is much better for you

Thank you. I am not sure I am looking forward to next year despite it being less than a week away.

 

[may71]

when I say triggered, I don't mean like I'm going off on the couples I see or something.

Yes, I know.

I don't think saying that is really helpful.

Sorry.

 

[sadhart]

Yes, I know.

Sorry.

No, don't be because you're right. Happened again today, being triggered I guess. I called myself mustering up the courage to drive to this area where I knew it would be crowded and would be my first time driving to during the day. I was so proud of myself getting there. I had this one awkward interaction in the store I went to but I tried ( and still am trying to) tel myself that it wasn't a big deal.

You know what turned out to be a big deal though? This couple that was coming out of this restaurant and I found myself walking behind them. I tried crossing the street but guess what? They did the same thing and holding hands and walking as slow as shit!

I want to try describing what's going on in my head when stuff like this happens. I feel angry at God because it just feels like this messed up thing he does to remind me of my worth or lack thereof. Then I find myself angry at some of the rejections I experienced because seeing that couple just makes me realize how I wasn't worth any of that. But above all else, I am angry at myself because at the end of the day I should have known better than to walk our of the house during the day,knowing full well I would run into stuff like that or be an awkward mess in a store.

So, again, don't apologize because you are right. I am a pathetic, triggered loser who has nothing but some dumbass comics and video games in my life.

 

[may71]

I am a pathetic, triggered loser

I wasn't try to say those things about you and I don't think they are true. You just have a problem that you haven't found a good solution for yet.

 

[Widowedvegan]

No, don't be because you're right. Happened again today, being triggered I guess. I called myself mustering up the courage to drive to this area where I knew it would be crowded and would be my first time driving to during the day. I was so proud of myself getting there. I had this one awkward interaction in the store I went to but I tried ( and still am trying to) tel myself that it wasn't a big deal.

You know what turned out to be a big deal though? This couple that was coming out of this restaurant and I found myself walking behind them. I tried crossing the street but guess what? They did the same thing and holding hands and walking as slow as shit!

I want to try describing what's going on in my head when stuff like this happens. I feel angry at God because it just feels like this messed up thing he does to remind me of my worth or lack thereof. Then I find myself angry at some of the rejections I experienced because seeing that couple just makes me realize how I wasn't worth any of that. But above all else, I am angry at myself because at the end of the day I should have known better than to walk our of the house during the day,knowing full well I would run into stuff like that or be an awkward mess in a store.

So, again, don't apologize because you are right. I am a pathetic, triggered loser who has nothing but some dumbass comics and video games in my life.

Please don’t say the negative things you said about yourself in your last paragraph @sadhart …
You are Not pathetic, or a loser and the comics and video games are something that Many people enjoy - everyone Needs something to be interested in…
Finding a meaningful relationship is Not easy and I think that it’s natural to be triggered by seeing couples when you’re not in a relationship…
I wish that I could say something that would help you to not feel so bad about yourself…

 

[sadhart]

I wasn't try to say those things about you and I don't think they are true. You just have a problem that you haven't found a good solution for yet.

I know. you are for the most part, have been encouraging. But it's hard for me to see things the way you do. I'm not sure there is a good solution to this problem I have.

 

[sadhart]

Please don’t say the negative things you said about yourself in your last paragraph @sadhart …
You are Not pathetic, or a loser and the comics and video games are something that Many people enjoy - everyone Needs something to be interested in…
Finding a meaningful relationship is Not easy and I think that it’s natural to be triggered by seeing couples when you’re not in a relationship…
I wish that I could say something that would help you to not feel so bad about yourself…

There are times where I really appreciate my game and comic collection. When I was drinking my game collection was nearly wiped out because of it, so I try to remind myself to appreciate it. But then when I realize that these things don't exactly feel certain voids in me, that's when I just feel all the negative things I said.

I appreciate you for reaching out. I wish I could be more willing to not think so bad of myself, but right now, that is kind of hard.

 

[ElleisForLisa]

I'm not really that triggered by going by bars, because alcohol is more or less everywhere. As is the case last night, the loud music and crowds inside would not have made for a pleasant drinking experience for me.

The thing with couples though is a little harder. I recall a couple who clearly had a toxic relationship and were not good for each other, but that was just it...they stayed together or one of them just didn't want to leave the other or something. In that case, it hurts because it's like the way I've been rejected for things like being "too good" (whatever the hell that means) and yet, here's someone being as awful as they can be but somehow still manages to be worth staying with. And it's not that I'm so desperate that I would want to be in a terrible relationship. But not being worth that chance while others are feels like some kind of twisted joke that is not funny to me.

I get that’s it’s not the alcohol it’s the place.. the people.. what you say about staying in a relationship that’s toxic.. I accidentally said aloud once I’d end up that way just because static’s said I would. I don’t know you at all but I want to say I that I still have to think we all will have or had this once in our lives. And if you haven’t yet than your chance is still there somewhere. Someone who will see you and take every bit that comes with it. Good or bad, happy or sad. Congrats on sticking to your 6 years and going on 7

 

[sadhart]

Thank you for reaching out. It's hard but a part of me wants to believe it can maybe still happen. And I'm not quite at six years yet. If I continue with sobriety February will mark six for me.