Tomorrow I will take back the stupidities that i am writing here now, but tomorrow is tomorrow... I have read in someone else's signature that "discipline is simply choosing between what you want now and what you want most". This person knows and we know that it is tremendously difficult, if not next to impossible. I was thinking, though, what does bring us to choose the latter between the two in a given moment? Suffering to me. What you want most has to do with a treatment of suffering of some sort for everybody, that goes from reduction to extinction, through different means of course. Many depressed people, myself included mostly live in a anesthetized, numbed-like state for which the desire for inactivity or lethargy is the function. Inactivity as "choosing what you want now" or, in some practical examples, simply perpetuating a state which numbs us from our bad feelings: videogames; being, half-lucid half-dreaming under a couple of warm sheets, listening to music, daydreaming. I think suffering makes people remember of its existence and wakes up in them their most wanted goals. So times ago i thought about procuring to myself a near-death experience in order to have a contact with it so direct i wouldn't forget anymore. That is when i began experimenting with psychedelics in high doses. It lasted three times: the last one i went on with so large a dose of <mod edit - specific name> that i had a pure agony experience for a few hours. It was that kind of experience in which you (a very simple version of you) would have wanted to die instead of continuing that torturous state, a common kind of experience if you use these substances like that, by the way. Despite this it didn't nearly give me any lasting result - it didn't "wake me up" or give me more energy, determination or anything - in fact the day after i already forgot about it. I am now at a click-distance to a second attempt (clearly, not a suicide attempt). Another thing I have considered is stabbing my left hand. For today, now it's 00:45, this night effort will be cleaning the mess in my room and the dishes before going to bed, something which i should have had been doing hours ago instead of staying at the PC losing time. Well this thread is stupid, I apologyze.