Dizzy with despair

[FoundAndLost1]

I’m trapped, cornered, utterly defeated, dizzy with despair. God help me I’m so tired. Every morning I wake up with the same hopelessness and fear
I’m an alcoholic who’s terrified of quitting because I can’t take the pain and disappointment in my life. I’m so finished. I wake up at 4 in the morning everyday and have to get out of bed because my brains are spinning with stress. I’ve had Edema (extreme water retention and bloating) for a month and feel even more horrible - the drugs aren’t working but my doctor has no sympathy. In fact on I’m on so many drugs right now I feel like a walking ad for pharmaceutical companies… I’m also going through “The Change” which is wreaking havoc on my hormones. I’ve lived through hell can can’t recover from anything anymore.

I was thinking of (and investigated) a program for addictions but my doctor won’t give me any supplements for withdrawal and I swear to God I can’t take anymore pain and discomfort. I just can’t! My nerves are so bad that I throw up several times a day, especially in the morning. I have no hope. I feel trapped in my apartment, in my life, in my circumstances. I have no plans, no dreams. I haven’t worked in 5 and a half years – and I hate this world for not letting me in again after my life was hijacked by turmoil and chaos and tragedy. I was accepted for Disability which would have helped (severe depression and PTSD), but because I have savings I’m now disqualified. I had to work 2 months to get all the paperwork together when I was already completely stressed. And I’ve lost everything except my savings, after being FORCED to sell my house - but I’m going through them like blazes. My days are numbered one way or the other…

I think I will end up on the street some time so I’d like to tell my story before then. All I have to look forward to (I’ll never be free till then) is my mom dying and releasing me (I’ve been her caregiver for the last nine years of unbelievable hell) – but first I’ll have to take care of her estate --- and I had enough horrible trouble moving and downsizing MY stuff.

I was already very weak after my nervous breakdown in March. Never had a chance to recover. I’ll never recover. I can’t take the pain and stress anymore. I want to die just for the relief. I sleep as much as possible. I haven’t dressed in 3 - 4 days. I can’t stand this life anymore. I can’t stand this world. I think we’re all doomed as a race. I have no hope for this place. After a life of having found joy in so many things, seeking good energy, I’m desperately and thoroughly exhausted and saw myself going down that road for a while, the slippery slope – but nothing I did helped and it feels like all my years have been useless. Do you know what it is to feel utterly futile? My words do not suffice. I can’t even cry anymore and wish to God that I could find some release. I’m so fucking tired going through these continuous circles of hell in my life, in my mind, in my dying soul. I was born intelligent, insightful, creative and resourceful – I was grateful for wise lessons, and I worked with and used my gifts the best way I knew how but nothing makes sense to me anymore.

I’ve been trying to think of a plan to end it. There were already 2 suicides in my family – but this is about me. I’ve had to understand the pain of others, but no one understands mine and I simply can’t live with it anymore. No one can help me… I want to die – there’s no other way to bear anymore. I used to love life… This has been going on so long - it's endless hell and i'm broken. Shattered. Damned...


FAL1

 

[Jenny]

Hi

I'm so sorry to hear all that you're going through. It sounds so difficult and completely understandably, impossible to cope with alone. I'm glad that you reached out here.. it means we can be with you and understand the pain and torment you are going through. I hear you.

Your doctor doesn't sound the most supportive of people. How would you feel telling this doctor how desperate you are really feeling. Tell him you NEED help and without it your days are numbered. Print out this thread and show him. If that doesn't wake the bastard up, how about getting a second opinion?

I can relate to the problem of disabilities. When i was unemployed i received pennies, just because i have some savings. It seems that the government doesn't want to help if you've worked hard and saved money in the past.

I wish i could help somehow.. please keep talking here if it helps. I am listening and genuinely care, please don't give up.

:arms:

 

[bombeni]

I can identify with much of what you said. It sounds like we are near the same age and have had some of the same dissappointments in life, and I know about the pain. Please, if you would like to PM me I would appreciate getting to know you.

 

[FoundAndLost1]

Hi

I'm so sorry to hear all that you're going through. It sounds so difficult and completely understandably, impossible to cope with alone. I'm glad that you reached out here.. it means we can be with you and understand the pain and torment you are going through. I hear you.

Your doctor doesn't sound the most supportive of people. How would you feel telling this doctor how desperate you are really feeling. Tell him you NEED help and without it your days are numbered. Print out this thread and show him. If that doesn't wake the bastard up, how about getting a second opinion?

I can relate to the problem of disabilities. When i was unemployed i received pennies, just because i have some savings. It seems that the government doesn't want to help if you've worked hard and saved money in the past.

I wish i could help somehow.. please keep talking here if it helps. I am listening and genuinely care, please don't give up.

:arms:

Thanks for replying. Thanks for the arms. Thanks for reading my post. I feel very fragile. I have a "sticky thread" in the poets corner called Dancing with Despair. It's a lot to ask, but would you read it? It explains a good part of my journey. I write a LOT of poetry, ner all of is sad lately. I've had a lot of shit happen that i just can't overcome, and now I drink way too much. My body is reacting betraying me but I can't live with the pain. As for a second opinion from a doctor, we have a shortage of doctors here in Ontario. I've been stuck with him for 14 years. He also knows my entire family's medical hsitory (whcih is f**king horrendous/continous) - I have PTSD - the asshole tells me to "put it out of my mind". I hate going to see him so much. I will have to because the drugs Im on are NOT working. Everytime I say I'm tired and I can't go on - I swear - things only get worse. I'm supposed to feel fortunate that I have savings to rely on, but I have not future, no prspects, no hope, and I know eventually I will run out. I'm terrfied of DAYS and NIGHTS cuz I worry through both of them. I'm losing my mind - and it's so hard to explain the terrror of that. I'm terrified of life now and there's no escape except alcohol - which is killing me. I joke sometimes and say "no one gets out of this life alive" - or ---- "I can't wait for all those healthy people to die - ain't tht gonna PISS THEM OFF". Obvioulsy I still ahev remaining moments of sarcasm - that's not much to live on...

Thanks for lisnteing - sorry my typing is so bad I have dyslexia on top of all else

FAL1

 

[theleastofthese]

Dear FAL1;

I'm sorry, so sorry, to hear how bad everything's become.:sad: I cannot change anything for you only to say that I would miss you if you were gone and would always wonder if I could have done something to help. Well, I can offer friendship and support, but just wish I could do something concrete... but I can't. I value your friendship and want it to continue.:smile: Please hit your doctor over the head with a two by four, and then, when you've got his attention, show him this thread and DEMAND "real" medical care... or turn him in to the Medical Association in your area for being an uncaring incompetant dunce!!!

lots of love and hugs,:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :flowers:

least