Do I deserve to die? I lied about rape

[Ella]

i lied about rape. That sentence makes me feel sick and makes me wanna kill myself

Everything happened. He locked me up and he made me pee on him. He also forced sex. But I got angry while reporting it to the police and said he forced sex more times than he did. I guess I just thought no one could hear how bad it was for me and I didn’t wanna speak about being forced to pee on him so I spoke more about the forced sex. and he forced sex many times before this date too but i was only speaking about the days he locked me up and forced this stuff but they couldn’t hear how bad it was for me on those days. It wasn’t an intentional lie and he did force sex. But I over exaggerated about those days. Not like I’m justifying my sick behaviour. I still lied in some way which makes me feel sick.

I really hate myself and this is eating me up. I cant even carrying on with the report incase find out then I look like a sicko. I’m twice as sick as him. Now deserve to be dead

 

[sinking_ship]

No, you are not sick, and you don’t deserve to die. That is an awful thing that happened to you, I’m so sorry you went through that. You are hurting and confused and ashamed and so the details weren’t perfect. So what? Good for you for reporting him. All you deserve is some peace and forgiveness for yourself. This is on him, not you.

 

[Fairlady300zx]

No you DON'T it was not you're fault what happened and you shouldn't blame yourself I know that sounds easy.

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

Shaunie, you deserve to live so you can move beyond this terrible experience and see that there are good people in this world, too. Never blame yourself for the evil of others. Please talk to someone, a therapist or a counselor of some kind while you're dealing with this. And keep talking to us, too. A lot of those good people are right here.

 

[kangaroo2]

I don't see how you could be judged negatively for lying about one incident, when he had done it to you numerous times before. You were angry and embarrassed about the one incident. I don't know why you are being so hard on yourself.

 

[Diesional]

Shaunie, please don't think harshly about yourself for not giving an exact report. I don't think anyone who has gone through something that traumatic should be expected to just recount it all in completely accurate detail. The fact of the matter is that you were horribly assaulted, and you rightly reported that. Whatever comes of that, you deserve to heal and be instantly forgiven for whatever technical mistake, and your oppressor should be greatly punished. You haven't hurt anyone in all this.

 

[Sunspots]

Shaunie, what you went through was horrific. You didn't ask for any of thay. None of this is your fault and you do not deserve to feel like this. You definitely do NOT deserve to die.

It's totally understandable that when people who have been through such an awful trauma will make mistakes if they have the strength to report it. You were angry, ashamed, afraid. Tell them you made a mistake, they'll understand. But try to tell them the whole truth, they need to know.

Are you getting any support with all of this? Family? Legal? Counselling? There is a lot of support out there for victims of rape.

Keep safe and keep talking to us here ok?

 

[bobbob]

i lied about rape. That sentence makes me feel sick and makes me wanna kill myself

Everything happened. He locked me up and he made me pee on him. He also forced sex. But I got angry while reporting it to the police and said he forced sex more times than he did. I guess I just thought no one could hear how bad it was for me and I didn’t wanna speak about being forced to pee on him so I spoke more about the forced sex. and he forced sex many times before this date too but i was only speaking about the days he locked me up and forced this stuff but they couldn’t hear how bad it was for me on those days. It wasn’t an intentional lie and he did force sex. But I over exaggerated about those days. Not like I’m justifying my sick behaviour. I still lied in some way which makes me feel sick.

I really hate myself and this is eating me up. I cant even carrying on with the report incase find out then I look like a sicko. I’m twice as sick as him. Now deserve to be dead

He put you through hell. You dont deserve to die. You deserve to be gentle to yourself and start healing. With what happened to you, its understandable that you werent thinking straight. Maybe you should set record straight now. Maybe u should not. idk. What you need to do is speak to your lawyer immediately and get legal advice. That is essential. Also be careful what you write on this website about teh case, just to be on the safe side.
Folk here can offer support but are not in a psoition to offer you legal advice and that is what you need.
SO FIRST OF ALL, SPEAK TO YOUR LAWYER.
and tc

 

[Butterfly]

I don’t think you should beating yourself up over this. What he did to you was wrong and he deserves all he gets. You’re not a bad person for exaggerating the incident slightly; if you weren’t in that position in the first place then there’d be nothing to exaggerate.

My only advice would be to talk to your solicitor/lawyer about it. Because in court if it comes out you’ve exaggerated a little the defence barrister will rip you to shreds, which isn’t fair at all but he/she will not be sympathetic, unfortunately. It’s not right or fair but they have a job to do.

 

[Walker]

No one "deserves to die" for anything. what happened with you, happened. The days and times and are mixed up but they're there. I hope you can straighten this out.

 

[Talk if U Want]

You are not wrong stop blaming your self and you don't deserve to die.Make your self calm.

 

[Lightsout]

i lied about rape. That sentence makes me feel sick and makes me wanna kill myself

Everything happened. He locked me up and he made me pee on him. He also forced sex. But I got angry while reporting it to the police and said he forced sex more times than he did. I guess I just thought no one could hear how bad it was for me and I didn’t wanna speak about being forced to pee on him so I spoke more about the forced sex. and he forced sex many times before this date too but i was only speaking about the days he locked me up and forced this stuff but they couldn’t hear how bad it was for me on those days. It wasn’t an intentional lie and he did force sex. But I over exaggerated about those days. Not like I’m justifying my sick behaviour. I still lied in some way which makes me feel sick.

I really hate myself and this is eating me up. I cant even carrying on with the report incase find out then I look like a sicko. I’m twice as sick as him. Now deserve to be dead

No victim ever deserves to die..

 

[KG654]

There is no way an exaggeration on the number of times he raped while you were locked in can compare in any way with being locked in and raped and forced to pee on him! Plus as you said, it happened before too. What he did is awful!! You are not the evil one, he is. You need healing and extra tender care to yourself, not punishment. Do you have a good support team with you? If not, get one somehow, this site is great, but in person support is important too. I am so sorry that happened to you, yes he needs to be reported and sentenced! Even if it happened one time, he should be reported. That is awful to do to you or anyone. If he gets away with it, he will get worse with the next girl! Let go of your guilt, pray about it or confess it to a preacher or priest, but this needs to go thru the procedure and he needs to be stopped. Do you have a lawyer? Talk to him about it, what you say to him is confidential, he will guide you. Praying for you in this, it is hard, I have been there, but it needs to be done for your sake, and sanity and for other's sake too. You are strong, you can do it, you've got this!

 

[Ella]

Thank you all very much <3 but feel like even if I didn’t ‘lie’ I am still dirty, I feel disgusting and don’t wanna be in my body much longer. I shower a lot but my skin still feels like actual dirt so clearly just a horrible person and not wat out. and just want to be dead,only way out. I keep thinking about ways to die and the sooner I die, I will win as I won’t be feedin into what he wanted. Cause he wanted me to feel disgusting

 

[sinking_ship]

Oh Shaunie, I hope you don’t. I can’t imagine the pain you’re in, but there is so much more out there for you. s*

 

[Freya]

The number of times something happened or didn't happen isn't the pertinent point here. Once or 1000 times - it doesn't matter. If you were forced, you were forced. It's rape and he should be held accountable.

Talk to us - I am sorry that you feel so bad. If you are going to imminently hurt yourself please call a crisis line and talk to someone who can talk you through getting some help. We are here and we are listening.

 

[Ella]

Thanks. But should say somewhere the chat rules are different to these rules. Or should tell someone they cant speak about how the feel in chat.

Instead of support just felt targeted because i am disgusting and use any excuse to target me. Now feel really shit. “No heavy topics” this is suicide forum? Does it get anymore heavy? Clesrly is cause im disgusting.

 

[Innocent Forever]

The rules are safety for everyone. And in chat that means something different every moment of every day because depends on what is going on...

I understand feeling that no one is listening. I usually feel like that so don't reach out. However, I know that it's my issue. That some of it isn't, and that some of it is. That I'm transferring whatever I feel about myself onto others - believing that it's what they feel about me. So if someone doesn't reply to my message it means I don't deserve it. Which, it doesn't mean that at all. It means they didn't reply for any number of reasons the primary one being that it wouldn't be healthy for either of us. Yet to me it means whatever I translate it to mean and not always do I have a choice. Not sure if that makes sense.

Either way, just sending bear hugs your way. You are special and worth it. I hope that one day you'll know it for yourself.... ((((((hugs)))))

 

[Freya]

Thanks. But should say somewhere the chat rules are different to these rules. Or should tell someone they cant speak about how the feel in chat.

Instead of support just felt targeted because i am disgusting and use any excuse to target me. Now feel really shit. “No heavy topics” this is suicide forum? Does it get anymore heavy? Clesrly is cause im disgusting.

The difficulty is that on the forum people stay out of the areas of the forum they find triggering - or they click off a post the second something on there is dangerous to them. In chat it's not that easy - so it has to be a little lighter in the main room. The support room is generally quieter and a lot better for serious topics. I am sorry that you feel shit - your forum posts to people are really supportive and kind - thank you for giving that to people. There is a reason a lot of people stick to the forums - chat is great for some people and for some people it doesn't work at all.

 

[Ella]

I really want to die today. Hate myself to much