Do I need a title?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by firewater, May 30, 2014.

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  1. firewater

    firewater New Member

    I'm not really sure what I can say here...

    I suffer from anxiety... but lately it's been depression.

    I'm supposed to be moving in 2 weeks with my fiance... both my jobs let me go before my last day and I am now beyond strapped for money. I have no idea how I'm going to pay for things let alone afford to move.

    I asked my main job why I wasn't on the schedule and they gave me some bullshit excuse about not knowing my availability despite me putting it on the calendar for the scheduler that I was completely open and free...

    Honestly? I think it's because I'm slightly anti social...

    I don't have friends... I dislike just about everyone. I hate being in crowds. My other half is constantly on my ass about being more social with his friends. At work I'm not mean or anything... I generally eat lunch in my car and I'll sleep or just hang out there for the hour. I don't go out after work not that I get invited anyways.. Usually when I come around people stop talking about their plans so they don't awkwardly have to feel obligated to invite me... I just don't feel like I relate to anyone I work with.

    We live with in a house where his ex gf is... I am beginning to really hate her. They haven't dated in 10 years, but it's weird. She is obnoxious and volatile and constantly vies for his attention? Seriously? You broke up with him 10 years ago... now he has someone he wants to marry and you're gonna cling to him? She tried to get him to allow her to move with us, but I refuse.
    She is attention seeking and on my nerves.

    I refuse to talk to my other half... He's asking me whats wrong... If I do talk to him he just... he doesn't know how to talk to me... it becomes a fight.

    None of my 'friends' or family want to see me before moving... We are having a going away party and they have either attacked me because the location is 'too far' for them and I need to either have a seperate party specifically closer to them or they won't go. My family is too busy for me and again it's not convenient to see me...

    Let me just say we all live in a city... I am smack dab in the middle of it, no more than 20 minutes away from anyone... in most cases 10 minutes. The party location is definitely at least 20-30 minutes away...

    I've put it out there that I'm depressed... No one cares.

    I have no one to talk to that understands. It's come to me posting on an online forum to reach out. I feel so alone and I honestly feel like the only way out is to either disappear completely off the radar or end things for myself. It's become a pattern. I've never had friends. Never any good ones. At 24, almost 25, I still get bullied by adults hence my antisocialism. What's the point? I don't belong anywhere. If my own mom and dad don't want to waste their time on me, why would anyone else?

    I feel like theres something wrong with me. I've never made friends easily... and I mean I should... I'm not ugly by any means... I keep in shape... I do normal things like go to the gym, eat healthy, I ride horses... I do fun things... I think? Yet.... I'm completely alone. I have my animals. A dog who is a complete reflection of myself... My fiance gets jealous cause I'd rather hold my dog then be around him.

    I know the financial aspect of my problems are only temporary. I have a job when I move including a pay increase. My horse is out there waiting for me...

    I'm just beyond disappointed in the people I call friends or family... I guess I am let down and feel abandoned? I hate using the word abandoned.... I'm an adult. Why should I even care?

    My 'friends' I never see... they are mainly friends from high school.

    Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I have friends that enjoy being around me? Or family for that matter? I wish this feeling of disappointment and hopelessness would go away.

    A new move doesn't signify new beginnings... It equates to more disappointment. I want to try and start anew... Make friends. But I know how it will end. It will end how it always ends. People getting quiet when I walk in the room so they don't have to awkwardly invite me out. People bitching me out cause the plans I made are too far for them and I am merely a friend of convenience.

    I'm not really sure what I even expect out of writing this... I don't expect replies or comfort. I'm not even sure I'm worth it anyways.
     
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I don't care what you've done in your past.. where you've been.. what others think of you.. you ARE worth it..anyone that is hurting as much as you and yet still cares about others as you clearly do.. is worth it.

    I too have a family that doesn't care and no friends at all.. in fact my family tells me that they don't like me b/c I "disappear off the radar for long periods of time" yet.. when I became homeless, they refused to take me in... when I was in a coma they wouldn't even visit me in the hospital.. when I was too poor to afford a phone and my grandma died they didn't even write me to let me know... when I have had a phone, I have been the one to have to call if I want to talk to them and then they want to hang up after 10-15 min of talking and its like talking to an acquaintance, not someone who supposedly cares... so how is it me thats at fault for "going off the radar" .. I don't get it. I don't have real life friends because the people here all stab their "friends" in the back or go around lying about them and I don't see the point in being friends with people like that. I have had depression for the last 27 years, and most people think that I just use it to get attention .. most of my relationships have been abusive ones. I say all this not to take over your thread.. but to let you know I can definately relate to you.

    There is NOTHING wrong with you.. it has become my belief that there is something wrong with the society we live in... and that all people .. in their core have 3 things... greed, lust, and selfishness... we battle those things all the time... it is the result of those battles that makes us the person we are.. and some people just give in to those things and quit the battles.. I think most of society has quit. I also have a saying... we are all a bit "crazy" and those that won't admit it are the worst of all... so don't let it get you down if people tell you you're crazy or put you down in any way cuz chances are they don't want to face their own faults. As far as being "normal" .. I don't think any of us are "normal" .. we all fall short of that definition in some way.. be it the number of children we have, the house we live in, the amount of money we make, our mental or medical health, the attitude we have... the list goes on.. there is nobody that is COMPLETELY normal.. so don't beat yourself up for that either. I have recently adopted the attitude of "it is what it is" for those things which I cannot change.. which includes anything that does not involves changing only myself or my behaviors or my environment.. because I cannot change others or any other environment other than my own. Perhaps this could be something that would help you as well, I don't know. I hope that some of this has helped you...I don't want to take over your thread so I will leave it at this.. please take care and know that I am here to talk to if you wish...
     
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. May I just say you will find great support and friends here. Take care and keep posting.
     
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