Do you ever want to die because it's easier than recovery?

I've had an eating disorder for 3 years. From bulimia, to binge eating, to anorexia, to EDNOS. I went from being normal weight, to overweight, to underweight. Now I'm at a normal weight again and I feel like a failure. If I reach my goal weight, I would consider recovering, but I have 40 pounds to lose before I reach that weight, and it feels so far away.
I feel like I don't deserve recovery because I'm still fat, but I hate the daily battle of "to eat or not to eat". I have so many other things bothering me and this is just another thing that makes me want to try to kill myself again.

 

hey there. i note you added me..
weight is something i use to ignore entirely. also was underweight, then overweight. normal weight now and not even sure what weight i should be. and same battle. undereat, overeat.
hang in there

 

I don't know whether it is eating disorder, but sometimes I won't eat at all for day, sometimes 2 days, just drinking. Only once every 2 days. But some days I can't stop eating. Good thing for me is, I can't get fat no matter how much food I ate.

 

Hi, I too have an ed. have been underweight overweight binge starve.... The whole thing except not bulimia. I think the only way out of the cycle is to work on the roots of it. To work on the pain that caused the need to control food. the pain that causes someone to medicate with food. The pain that causes someone to feel they do not deserve to eat. or they do not deserve to... recover, whatever it is.

Food can be about power and control. So it may be about working hard in therapy to take back that power so starving or medicating through food is not needed. I do not know if this makes sense. If I was more recovered myself I am sure I would have an easier time saying what i mean to say. I wish for you that you will find recovery. For the root of the ed. So you can be free from the terrible pain of this disorder.

 

Yes, because I feel that I'll never be able to look the way I want to. Dying seems easier to me because I won't keep failing. So I can relate to how you're feeling and hope you don't give up, because you deserve to feel good about yourself.

 

Yeah, I do. Especially because I'm fat and I've always been fat, and if I try to recover, I gain loads of weight. The last time I gained so much and now I can't get rid of it, and I know the same will happen again :/ when I don't manage to do anything about my weight either way and don't manage to stop due to it, dying seems easier...