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Don’t know how to adult without her

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Gonz, Jun 25, 2018.

  1. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    I lost my wife one year and eight months ago. Before she was my wife, she was my girlfriend. Before she was my girlfriend, she was my best friend. And before she was my best friend, I was in high school. She’s been the most important person in my life for literally all of my adulthood.

    We both were fairly dysfunctional. We just understood each other though. We’d been through all the same shit. Childhood abuse and neglect, mental illness, drug abuse. All the things that made us each individually felt isolated us turned out to be things we had in common. When we were together, when it was just us, we could take off the masks and drop the act and just be the broken people that we were. Do you know what a relief that was? All the ugly scary parts of ourselves that we had to hide from the rest of the world, we never had to hide from each other. We could roll up our sleeves and show our scars (I mean that both literally and figuratively) and, instead of recoiling in horror, the other would smile in recognition and show their own.

    We used to joke that, between the two of us, we made one halfway-functional adult. It wasn’t really a joke though. We leaned on each other. We never had to learn how to stand on our own. Letting her cover for my weaknesses is the only coping mechanism I’ve ever learned. And covering for hers is the only responsibility I’ve ever embraced. We were each other’s crutch, only now she’s been pulled out from under me and I’ve fallen flat on my face. We knew perfectly well how unhealthy our dependence on each other was. We talked about it sometimes. Those talks always ended with “we’ll always have each other, so why should we care?”

    This. This is why we should care.

    Underneath the grief, under the pain and the sadness and the guilt and the regret, there’s a deep and intense anger at her for leaving me all alone like this. This wasn’t the fucking deal.

    The worst, cruelest, hardest part about losing her is that the world didn’t just end when she did. It keeps going. Time keeps passing. Life keeps beating me over the head, harder and harder, with shit I need to deal with and I keep asking myself how I’m supposed to do it without her and the only thing I can do is cry and say “I don’t know.”
    Thauoy likes this.
  2. I'm so fucking sorry, dude. I can't even imagine what you must be going through without her. It's not fair that she was taken from you, and my heart breaks for you just thinking about it. I sincerely hope that you're able to find peace one day.
    Thauoy, MarvelFan and Gonz like this.
  3. Woowoo

    Woowoo SF Pro SF Artist SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry for your loss @Gonz I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be without her. Life can be a bitch sometimes. I hope that, in time, things start to get a bit easier for you. Hugs
    Gonz likes this.
  4. MarvelFan

    MarvelFan Vanity of Vanities

    I am also so sorry as to the time keeps going and world keeps spinning one of the reasons why I am still here I hope is that I am giving a big finger to world as it spins on its way forgetting all the people like us and others that have suffered so much.
    Gonz likes this.
  5. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    Imagine you saw a man split in half. Perfectly bisected, right down the middle. Like that half-dog in Return of the Living Dead. Imagine you saw that half-man walking (or, rather, trying to hop) down the street. Imagine the horror you'd feel at the sight of him, his innards exposed and spilling out all over the sidewalk. "God please show some mercy and just let him die already" you'd say to yourself.

    That's me.
  6. Paisley

    Paisley * * * SF Artist SF Supporter

    I'm sorry. You've expressed emotion through analogy really vividly in this post, are you by any chance a writer? If not, I think you'd make a great author.
    Gonz likes this.
  7. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    Thanks for saying so, I used to want to be a writer.
    may71 and Paisley like this.
  8. Really sorry for your loss, of your wife and of the support she provided.

    Whether you call yourself a writer or not, you clearly are.

    If you were a friend I'd invite you to the park to have a drink and watch the sun go down.

    In the last 9 years I've lost both my parents and my best friend. Loss hurts so bad. The more it hurts, the more it reveals the depth of love you have for the ones you lost.

    I hope your burden can be lessened by sharing here.
    Gonz likes this.
  9. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    I’m sorry for your losses too, and I hope that sharing can help you as well. This is a good place for that.
    lonelycanadian likes this.
  10. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Gonz, I have no words that can ease your pain or take away your fears - I feel impotent, useless and am wondering why I am writing this when I don't have a clue what to say. I just want you to know you are in my heart - and always will be. Life is truly fucking crazy and always to those who least deserve it … who or what put us here to suffer these pains, this heartache - I cannot imagine - nor what's the point of it all. But you have some fantastic memories going back a long long time and I am sure that beautiful lady would want you to remember those - and not dwell on life's shit. Take care - remember your wife with love, affection, happiness, fun, overwhelming desire - let those beautiful thoughts fill up your heart and soul - tell us about the good moments Gonz = I'd love to hear them. xxxx
    Gonz likes this.
  11. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    You know, I was doing exactly that in the cafe when you posted this. I try to focus on that stuff. It still hurts like hell to think about the good parts. But it’s... I don’t know how to describe it exactly; a good pain, a clean pain. Even when I’m overwhelmed by it. Other kinds of pain, I’d shut them off if I could. But when I cry for her, I know it’s right. She earned every single one of those tears and, if they are the only way I have left to honor her and show her how much I love her, then I’ll keep crying them forever.
    Winter Blues likes this.
  12. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Sweetheart, she wouldn’t want you to cry forever, but her memory will be forever in your heart xxxx
  13. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    I was going through some of her old things today. I found a notebook labeled “places to see before I die.” She’d filled a couple pages. She never got to see a single place on that list. Fuck, she never had anything good in her life. Her family sucked. Her childhood was shit and, as an adult, she never experienced anything but poverty and mental illness and addiction.

    The fact that she could endure all that she endured and still be as sweet and gentle and kind as she was is nothing short of miraculous. But, goddamn, it’s so fucking unfair. I’m not a religious person. I can’t say I believe in any kind of afterlife. But I can hope for one because, if anyone deserves to be rewarded, it’s her.
  14. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Do you want to say what places were on the list?


    Do you feel like writing about your lives would be helpful?
    Gonz likes this.
  15. What if you visited those places for her?
  16. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    Mostly various cities. Plus stuff like the Grand Canyon, and Alaska to see the aurora borealis and these ice caves she read about, and a bioluminescent lake in Costa Rica. Pyramids; both Egyptian and Mayan. And the Great Wall. And Easter Island.

    I know it would hurt. Really bad. That doesn’t preclude it from being helpful, but still.
  17. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    I don’t think I could. It would seem too unfair, seeing them when she can’t. I mean, I can’t even eat the foods, or watch the TV shows, that she liked without feeling guilty about how she’s missing out. Going to these places would be too much, I think.

    I mean, just being alive at all feels like I’m betraying her.

    Plus there’s the practical considerations. I mean, I don’t really see myself going from poverty stricken shut-in to world traveller anytime soon.
  18. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    You said that between the two of you, you made a half functioning adult. If you visited these places, at least half of her would get to see them then.

    The closest she's going to get to seeing these places is if you see them for her with her in your mind
    Gonz and AsphyxiateOnWords like this.
  19. @may71 That was beautifully said. And I agree.
    may71 and Gonz like this.
  20. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    Bad couple of days. So much guilt.

    I was making lunch yesterday. And I was having a nice time. And I realized I was having a nice time. And this wave of guilt came crashing over me. How dare I enjoy anything without her here to share it. So I stood crying over the stove for a minute, then I put everything away and went to bed for the rest of the day. Been in a really low mood since.