I need to write this down. For four years, I’ve been deeply depressed, wishing I was dead because I married a narcissistic man with a sick addiction. During our marriage he made me believe he loved me unconditionally. But it was lies, all lies and manipulation. His sickness cost me my job, my friends, my trust in humanity and my self-respect. But I felt guilty that our marriage ended. I felt like it was my fault, that there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t stay with him. I’ve punished myself and isolated myself. I’ve blamed myself and felt like a horrible person for not staying with him and helping him through his “recovery.” Even though he’s the one who destroyed our relationship. I couldn’t see it but now I’m starting to understand. I’ve been reading about the affects a narcissist can have on another person. He wasn’t abusive to me until after he was caught and arrested and the truth about who he is was exposed. I cried everyday for a year, I’d lost my husband, my job and shortly after his arrest I had to put my beloved cat down. In just two weeks everything I loved, believed in and worked for was gone. My whole world was turned upside down, and he was angry at me for being upset. He told me I was terrible wife, he belittled me and verbally attacked me. He was disgusted with me for going on anti-depressant medication, claiming he didn’t think it was good for my health. It was so confusing. I didn’t understand that this was the narcissist trying to gain control. I didn’t see him as the wonderful man he wanted me think he was anymore. I knew it was unhealthy for me to stay and eventually filed for divorce, left him and never contacted him again. But I still felt guilt and shame and failure. He continued to contact me. He came by place, broke into my apartment, called me on the phone and continued to live in the same apartment complex after we split up. It was torture, but I made excuses for his behavior. I knew he was a narcissist and a manipulator, the psycho sexual evaluation identified these character traits in him, which he denied, denied, denied. But I couldn’t see it. I was shell-shocked. He would come home from group therapy and complain that the other sex offenders were “calling him out” and that they were wrong about him. He never showed remorse for his crime, though he acknowledged what he did was wrong, he never showed remorse. Even after I left him I cried almost everyday. I’ve spent years locked away in my apartment crying and feeling guilty, feeling like I didn’t deserve love and that no one could ever love me again because I’d failed my marriage. I feel stupid for letting this man haunt me. I feel like I’ve wasted my life but I think I finally understand why. It’s not my fault, I’m not a terrible person, I think I’m ready to forgive myself and I hope I’m ready to heal. This realization is only a beginning but maybe I can finally start to recover and start taking better care of myself and stop punishing myself or blaming myself and thinking death is my only escape from the pain.
Done Letting a Narcissist Control My Life
- Thread starter Sunday16
- Start date
Oh @Sunday16 ...
I'm so sorry that you married a narcacist. I seriously think there should be some sort of support group for us. It's not just a "bad" marriage. It's twisted, evil and demonic. It's all mind games and manipulation. Unfortunately, I had a child with my narcacist husband and that has bonded us forever. My father and brother are both full blown narcacistic, misogynistic, sadists. I don't say that lightly either. I have zero trust in men. I have a 14 yr old son and he knows those traits are evil. He has a gentle soul so I don't think he has it in him - thank God.
My story is a long one but I truly understand (more than you realize) It was NOT your fault. It was NOT my fault. Some people are sick and twisted. Full stop.
Good on you for moving on and realizing that you are not to blame. I'm sure you were not perfect but no one is. I've been single since the separation (13.5 years ago) and that's never going to change. I know not all men are bad. But my wall is so high and thick that no one will ever knock it down. I know it's a defense mechanism but it's the only way I can survive.
Sorry I ranted but these types of "men" disgust me. I didn't fully realize what he was until DHS (child protection services) told me. He reported me a few times. Lying and saying that the house was filthy and I was too mentally unwell to look after our son. They saw though his lies. They were the ones that told me that he was a narcacist!! He called the police out to my house one night to check on the safety of our son telling them that I was not taking my meds. and that he was in danger. Midnight in the middle of winter I had to pull my son out of bed to show the police that he was ok. How demoralizing. When they first knocked, I thought it was my ex. He'd often threaten to come over after work. He's a policeman so I was freaking out that he was going to shoot me. I always worried that he was going to kill me. Lots of narcacists in the Police Force. It's the power, you know. I've got to stop ranting on your thread. Sorry, I've just got so many examples I could go on forever. Anyway, I plucked up the courage to go to court 2 years ago so all this controlling shit could finally stop once and for all. He got a restraining order and if he breaks it, he'll lose his job. For the record, he got a restraining order against me too! Had me charged with assult! What a joke!! Little me who was physically and mentally abused gets charged with assulting him?!? 'Cause I could hurt a 6"3' guy with a black belt in karate!
Sorry... I'm just venting
But please, please don't look back. He's out of your life and good riddance! Don't feel bad. Don't feel sorry for him. Please. I did that too and it's rubbish.
Take care ox
I'm so sorry that you married a narcacist. I seriously think there should be some sort of support group for us. It's not just a "bad" marriage. It's twisted, evil and demonic. It's all mind games and manipulation. Unfortunately, I had a child with my narcacist husband and that has bonded us forever. My father and brother are both full blown narcacistic, misogynistic, sadists. I don't say that lightly either. I have zero trust in men. I have a 14 yr old son and he knows those traits are evil. He has a gentle soul so I don't think he has it in him - thank God.
My story is a long one but I truly understand (more than you realize) It was NOT your fault. It was NOT my fault. Some people are sick and twisted. Full stop.
Good on you for moving on and realizing that you are not to blame. I'm sure you were not perfect but no one is. I've been single since the separation (13.5 years ago) and that's never going to change. I know not all men are bad. But my wall is so high and thick that no one will ever knock it down. I know it's a defense mechanism but it's the only way I can survive.
Sorry I ranted but these types of "men" disgust me. I didn't fully realize what he was until DHS (child protection services) told me. He reported me a few times. Lying and saying that the house was filthy and I was too mentally unwell to look after our son. They saw though his lies. They were the ones that told me that he was a narcacist!! He called the police out to my house one night to check on the safety of our son telling them that I was not taking my meds. and that he was in danger. Midnight in the middle of winter I had to pull my son out of bed to show the police that he was ok. How demoralizing. When they first knocked, I thought it was my ex. He'd often threaten to come over after work. He's a policeman so I was freaking out that he was going to shoot me. I always worried that he was going to kill me. Lots of narcacists in the Police Force. It's the power, you know. I've got to stop ranting on your thread. Sorry, I've just got so many examples I could go on forever. Anyway, I plucked up the courage to go to court 2 years ago so all this controlling shit could finally stop once and for all. He got a restraining order and if he breaks it, he'll lose his job. For the record, he got a restraining order against me too! Had me charged with assult! What a joke!! Little me who was physically and mentally abused gets charged with assulting him?!? 'Cause I could hurt a 6"3' guy with a black belt in karate!
Sorry... I'm just venting
But please, please don't look back. He's out of your life and good riddance! Don't feel bad. Don't feel sorry for him. Please. I did that too and it's rubbish.
Take care ox
@Kira75 Thank you for sharing your story with me. I could never wish anyone to come under the spell of a narcissist, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone. I think the hardest part is that I fell for it, he fooled me. I think I'm an intelligent, compassionate person and I thought I was smarter than to fall for someone like this. Letting him have control over me the past three years makes me angry with myself. But I had only two months of therapy after his arrest and not very good therapy. She never talked to me about how his narcissist and manipulative character traits may have affected me and would continue to affect me. I had to learn by doing my own research. I too have built a wall and have no interest in men. I hold them at a distance and may never date again, because I don't trust myself, or them. I'm glad to hear your son is a gentle soul. Though it's a connection with your ex you can never break you are blessed to have him. Family is everything. I am childless and while that makes my ability to move on without my ex easier, I will never had a child and am heartbroken about that. I wish you all the happiness you deserve and having gone through a narcissist relationship, you most definitely deserve it! Thank you for your support.
@may71 Thank you for you kind words of support. It's taken me far too long to stop blaming myself, but now that I have it feels like I've unloaded a 200 pound self-centered, heartless weight. I hope my post will help others understand that no matter how long it takes, we can find the light at the end of the tunnel. :rolleyes: