I think I made a mistake coming to this forum.I don't really fit in anywhere.Everyone's problems are alot worse than mine.I've been told I have severe depression.But I think I'm bipolar.I've been on so many meds and nothing works.I have thoughts of killing myself,but can't act on them because I don't have the guts.Or maybe it's because I don't want to put my kids through that.I'm all they have. I didn't date much when I was a teen.I was shy,still am,I guess.What few guys I did date wouldn't call back after the second date.I pretty much gave up of ever finding anyone to spend my life with and having a family.When I was 26,I met a man who accepted me for me.But I didn't realise he had a drinking problem.Chalk it up to wanting a family so bad,I guess I over looked the signs,even though my family tried to warn me.We've been married for 17 years and have two girls and triplet boys. His drinking was done on the weekends and wasn't that much of a problem until after the boys were born.Slowly it started to get worse.We tried counceling,but by that time he was just going through the motions.And because of his lies and the loss of trust I had in him it didn't help.We live in the same house like brother and sister.Anything we once had is gone.He's even given up on being a father.When he isn't working,he makes up every excuse not to be at home. The past two years have been the worst.He belittles me when he's drinking.He blames me for his drinking and all of the things that have gone wrong for us.He even says I'm making up the depression because I don't want to to admit everything is my fault. Because of the depression I stopped eating.My body went into starvation mode so anything I did eat turned to fat.I've gained alot of weight and that doesn't make me feel any better about myself.He likes to bring that up when he's drinking too.Telling me no one will ever want me cause I'm fat and ugly. He had a great job with great benefits.He was about to lose it,so he asked for help.His boss told him if he did rehab,it could keep his job.He agreed to it.But was kicked out of rehab one week before he would have completed it because he showed up at a meeting drunk.He also lost his job. I know I need to leave him.But I've never been on my own and it scares me to death.I have five people counting on me to take care of them.What if I let them down. All I ever wanted was to be married,have a family and be happy.Why is that so much to ask?Why does life have to always suck? Well,there's more but I think I've bitched enough about my troubles.Thanks for taking the time to read.