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Don't know how much longer I can live for others..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by randomguy9, Apr 27, 2012.

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  1. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I just pulled myself out of the most triggered I have been in recent memory... and I am pretty sure I am not allowed to say how. (any forum mod willing to get a pm so i can ask please let me know).

    The only thing that stopped me... was seeing how far reaching the emotional wave would go... I got to thinking about the the things I wanted to say to people...

    The things I wanted to say to those I loved... people who cared about me no matter how fucked up I was. People who were there for me through many things.

    On the flip side... someone I wish I could find and tell him "Fuck you go to hell, burn with Hitler where you belong" for what he did to me... and the authorities who let him d o what he did to make my life a living hell.

    but... the group of people, many who I have not thought about in quite a while hit me harder... the good people in my life.

    I really don't want to hurt them... but I don't know how I can deal with one piece of life crippleing news after another after another... no matter how much I would hate for those people to wish they had seen thesigns which I surely am dropping without knowing it...

    I don't know what to do... I need something in MY life to be happy about... and career was the last hope I had and that has been dead for longer than I realized...
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi random - sorry to hear you've been through the mill and someone did something awful to you. I promise you, there is a way through it.

    It's taken me a long time, because I wasn't willing to "let go" (because I didn't know how, so it didn't seem possible) - but the old cliches do still pack some weight, because they do, in fact, eventually work. Such as - time is a great healer.
    I found, time + distance + making the choice to choose to forgive, even when I certainly did not want to - the ppl responsible for my damage I now see in a different light.

    List the things you would like in your life. I know career is important, I am sorry it's not there for you right now. List the things that you do have going for you, like your family and friends who love you and who you love. Being on here is a great way to get support and as a place to vent your feelings. I wish it had been around 15 years ago.

    It is possible to get through these times, random. We might not feel like it is, or see how it can be, but there is a ladder out, we just have to find the first rung.
  3. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I have tried to let go... but it is hard when I am as sure as I am how evil those people were. When someone makes it their life goal to make your life hell... you tend to remember that for a while.
    Family and freinds... yes I have a great family that is well intending even if lousy acting... and a few freinds who I care about.

    As far as what I want in life... I can't list that because of how depressing all the things that I know I will never have are.
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