dont know what to do anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KMS, Jan 23, 2007.

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  1. KMS

    KMS Well-Known Member

    In all honesty I tried to get help once with therapy but it didn’t work. Actually made things much worse. That was a few years ago. Since then I've spiraled down hill. I have gotten to the point where I don’t give a crap about anyone or anything anymore. I have burned bridges and severed contact with the people in my life. Of the few remaining I have been pushing them away but a few are resilient in not going away.

    I have many regrets in my life. And I relive them every day. I cant let things go and the haunt me all the time. I can’t stand to look at happy people and looking at happy couples is 100x worse. I'm 24 and have only had 1 gf and that was not real because I was a replacement for her ex bf.

    I lack confidence, finesse, self esteem, self worth, happiness, a feeling that I’m loved, feeling in general except numbness. I am depressed, I am sad; I am crazy in the head. I don’t love myself, hell I don’t like myself. Physically or mentally. I’m told I can’t love anyone until I love myself. Well I guess I’m fucked. I see 13 yr olds who r better than me. I wish I was dead.

    I’ve sorta latched onto the following quote from the matrix because as I see it it is my greatest weakness.

    "Hope, It is the quintessential Human delusion, simultaneously
    the source for our greatest strength and our greatest weakness."

    I truly believe this quote as well:

    "...I felt sad, because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something that nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened." I AM one of those broken people

    I go out driving late at night in hopes that someone will hit my car and kill me in an accident. I really don't want to hurt anyone or take anyone with me but sometimes it seems like the only way. Driving over bridges to work it seems so easy to just jerk the wheel to the right and go off the side of the bridge. Sometimes seems almost too easy

    I’m in the process of possibly buying a gun as well, although not legally of course. I would only need 1 bullet.

    I even went as far as researching assisted suicide but I would need to be diagnosed with a terminal illness first and be a resident of Oregon.

    I toyed with the idea of joining the army and going to Iraq. I figure I could just run at them in a battle (sounds stupid I know but I think it would work) and get picked off.

    I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t want help either no therapy no pills. Nothing I am just waiting for death to take me

    Thanks for letting me vent
  2. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    Forgive me if I am incorrect, but it seems you are judging your self-worth on whether or not you have a girlfriend. I am 49 years old, single after 3 failed relationships, let me tell you, being single can be pure joy. You don't have anyone telling you what to do, you don't argue about what to watch on tv, the list goes on and on. I am not saying there is anything wrong with being in love and giving relationships "a go" but hey most of them don't work out these days, so why pound yourself over the head about them? My oldest son is 28, still single, and he works with 5 or 6 guys who are about his same age, married with a nagging wife and a couple of screaming kids at home. On payday, they turn the check over to big momma. But my son does exactly what he wants to with his. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, it just looks that way.
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    You seem lonely like myself, I do not know if you were like me long ago and tried to convince yourself that you do not need others.

    If it is any consolation to you I have never had a girlfriend, not even a fake one, and I am 21. I do not know what else I can say that can help you. Maybe instead of pushing away the resilient people you embrace them. Just last night I found out that the only friend I have would be more than willing to help me tackle problems in my life on top of his.

    I have found that people who do not want to go away are great. They will give you support and hope. So if anything just stop pushing. As hard as it is to do that you should stop pushing.

    I don't know what else to say. The quotes you have are great and I really admire them. I hope that I can be of some help to you.
  4. KMS

    KMS Well-Known Member

    it isnt just the gf thing but it is definately a part of it i wont lie. i am very apathetic towards people and life, especially when it coems to my own. i have spent my life sacraficing myself to help others and get nothing in return. i dont know what it feels like to be loved or cared about. yes i may kno in my brain some peopel care about me but i cant FEEL it. if i cant feel something it isnt real to me. i dont have that unconditional lvoe feeling from anyone, parents included. i can go on and on about how i hate myself mentally, my personality, my face, my body ect ect. im beyond the point of repeating myself over and over about these things. i just wish i could wake up from this nightmare
  5. KMS

    KMS Well-Known Member

    i dont push the people away on purpose. i do it without knowing it till its too late. i dont want much out of life. my father tells me to get a good job so i can have hosues n boats and cars ect ect but none of that means anything to me. all i want is simple, a family. wife and kids. thats it. it burns deep inside of me. on the other hand as much as i want that it seems liek im the center of gods practial joke or its the devil waving what i want in front of me just out of reach. ive wanted it for so long i dont even know if i want it anymore.

    i jsut want someone to hold, to hold me, to want to spend time with me. all i got right now is my dog and my car.
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