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Don't know what's wrong with me.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Downpour, May 25, 2013.

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  1. Downpour

    Downpour Well-Known Member

    I don't think I'm technically depressed. I can feel normal. But I have some crazy mood swings. It sometimes only takes a nudge to make me feel very depressed. A misplaced thought or word can make me start crying. And once I'm in this depressed mood, I can't snap out of it easily. I feel anxious all the time. I worry about everything. And it doesn't help that I have all these weird health things going on. Headaches, stomach pains, heartburn, chest pain and tightness, lightheadedness. I don't know if any of these things are worth going to the doctor for. Sometimes I feel like I'm seriously ill and sometimes I feel like I'm majorly overreacting. I'm incredibly irritable, and I don't know if my annoyance at certain things is justified or not. I feel like a horrible person. I blame myself for the things that make me sad, for being sad. I feel trapped and worthless. I am not considering suicide because thinking about it makes me feel guilty, but I wish it were an option. I do want to hurt myself sometimes. And I know that many of these things are consistent with depression, but I don't think they're constant. It's been like this on and off for weeks, and I am capable of feeling completely normal. But when it's bad, it's very bad. I don't know what to do.

    I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just needed to tell someone how I'm feeling because there's no one I can talk to here.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It really sounds a lot like typical depression to me. I would even add that those physical symptoms sound like the type often caused by depression and anxiety. Please do not take it to mean not a big deal when I say "typical depression" - it is and it can have a huge effect on every facet of your life. Go to see a Dr about the physical to relieve some worry from other possibilities on that - also explain to them the other about worry, sadness and mood swings, etc. Maybe they can give you some insight or let you consider medication support as an option if you chose.

    So many of us have had the same feelings- it may not help you to know others feel the same but know you are not alone and no need to be shy about talking about it here.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too hope you talk to your doctor ok so you can get some help some relief all the sadness It does sound like depression but a check up with doctor can rule out if it is medical or physical blood work ect need to be taken hugs
  4. Downpour

    Downpour Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the responses. On the one hand, I wish I could go to the doctor because I desperately want some help. On the other hand, I don't think the doctor would be able to help. I've had episodes in the past of what I would call depression. I've done the drugs and the therapy before, and I think waiting it out would work just as well. I'm so frustrated with my life. Maybe if I could just get rid of a certain stress- and problem-causing factor, it would get better. But, now that I'm in this state, I don't know if it would be that easy. Maybe if that factor hadn't come around to begin with. Actually, I'm almost positive that I would not be feeling like this if it had not been triggered. You have no idea (or probably you do know) how much I want some help. But I know what's on the other end. I know if I go to the doctor, I'll get the speech about drugs and therapy. Then I get to tell him that I don't want the drugs right now (for some legitimate reasons, not because I'm arbitrarily against them) and that I think the therapy would be a waste of time (they can't fix my problems), not to mention the extra stress that either would cause. And then I'm back at the beginning. Plus, I feel like an idiot going back to the doctor: "Hi, I was here last fall with my depression issues, I disappeared for months because I felt better, but here I am again with the same problems knowing that you can't tell me anything new." I have no friends or family I would feel comfortable discussing this with. I have no so-called "support system" for any emotional issue. But I so want to talk to someone. (And here's where a logical person would say, "you could talk to a therapist, maybe they can't solve your problems, but at least it would be someone to talk to.") I was even looking for that suicide chat line that I used last fall, but maybe it doesn't exist anymore. I don't want to kill myself, but as far as I know, there are no "I feel like crap" helplines. But then, part of me thinks that I'm just making it all up and that I should be able to tell myself to knock it off, snap out of it, and then everything would be better. I'm pretty sure I go through this thought process every time I've felt like this. Except for twice when I was a hair's breadth away from killing myself, I never fully believed that there was anything abnormal going on. Anyway, for tonight at least, this forum has allowed me to voice my thoughts and feelings.
  5. Downpour

    Downpour Well-Known Member

    Tonight is a bad night. Tonight is a very bad night and probably the first of a few very bad days. It's the first time in months that suicide was more than a fleeting thought or wish. Everything is wrong. And I guess I can abandon the debate about whether I'm depressed or not. Wanting to kill myself is usually a fairly reliable sign that I am once again experiencing depression.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi downpour. I am sorry things are so painful for you at this time. I gotta say I agree with NYJmpMaster and Total eclipse. You have tried some medications. But it is a process to find the right medication. Do you think you could try again? Or maybe just try therapy again? Because no one deserves to suffer as you do and be untreated. Doctors do not judge people for showing up 8 months later with the same symptoms. But I do hope that you will give therapy and medication another chance. I wish psychiatric prescribing was more precise than it is. But once the right med is found it can help tremendously. :hug:
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