Don't want to live without self respect...

[losergirl]

Hi,
Well this is really embarrassing as I am too old -52 years to be precise! But hope you won't laugh at least? It all began in 2013 when I quit my job in India(i am an Indian woman) and went to another country for supposedly brighter prospects. 4 months and nothing came up, got to know that they were cutting up on expats at higher level in order to make space for their own; so i returned.
The worst decision on my part was to sell off/give away almost all my belongings including car,furniture, appliances while leaving India though several of my well wishers advised me against it. I did have ample cash with me but for how long! Strange thing is that since coming back i found 3 jobs but 2 of the companies closed down while one wouldn't give salary forcing me to quit.
It is 4 long years struggling, though my brother does help financially and sister emotionally but I have always been very independent in spirit and it kills me to accept doles from my bro, oh I cant describe the pain I go through every time he sends money.BTW I am single and my siblings stay in other countries-all 3 of us separated by geographical boundaries! Last year I meticulously planned to end my life but it turned out to be impractical.
So here i am looking for some advice as to what to do with myself? I just can't go on living on bro's money and am too old to wait and bide my time for opportunities or to start a business, right? Even if I tried, no one will give me loan for business at my age you know!
Thanks for those who read it and million thanks and best wishes to those who plan to respond...

 

[Rebreb]

Hey @losergirl - I don't agree with your name!

You're never too old. And I can relate - I had a successful business and rental home and I made some unfortunate choices too and also gave away most of my precious things. If you are healthy in body and mind you are better off than me right now.

Have you looked into peer-to-peer lending or micro-finance? There are websites that will show you what your options are and you don't have to go through a bank.

Pull on that independence that you had for so long. Keep applying for jobs. Keep brainstorming. Can you clean people's houses? Watch kids? Teach something? If you have lots of time there should be something you can figure out to do. Sometimes volunteering somewhere opens up another opportunity.

Whatever you do, stick around, things can change in an instant.

 

[Unknown_111]

Welcome to the forum and the SF family. Please take care and most importantly be safe.

 

[Shannew]

Hi welcome to SF,
The only thing that holds us back from achieving what we want are the excuses we make, so please don't think its too late to start a business. If you want to you have to try and keep trying, even when you've established a business you will run into things you think are impossible to overcome but you will find a way!
Harland Sanders, better known as Colonel Sanders, was 62 when he franchised Kentucky Fried Chicken in 1952. He sold the franchise business for $2 million 12 years later so why can't you start at 52?
All the best my friend x

 

[losergirl]

Hi & thanks all of you for your words of encouragement, didnt expect such prompt replies, I am grateful, friends! Dear Rebreb, i acted on yr suggestion without delay but sadly all these peer-to-peer & micro finance lending are no more than eyewash as their lending criteria are more or less same to the banks meaning that an unemployed, no- income person doesnt stand a chance believe me i have brainstormed like crazy for 4 yrs till thr was no brain left, there is so much prejudice against age u know all of them whether lenders or employers want young n fresh as if talking about chickens instead of people:rolleyes:
May be time has run out on me & i need to revise my suicide plan half of it already done in my mind...actually i want it to be flawless, being caught while attempting would leave me with such a lot of humiliation and disgrace even escaping the jail(may be my bro will bail me out or watevr - though that wd b little comfort as he wd also despise me) that i dont want to think about it thats why it is taking so long...
I AM too grateful to you and wish sincerely that all of you out there come out unscathed from your troubles n live a happy life.

 

[Rebreb]

Ah I think your family would rather help you out than suffer your loss. Please let them know how you feel. Losing a sister this way would leave them in deep sorrow and regret. Please don't think this is the end.

 

[losergirl]

i dare not share with them, i know they do luv me very much n wd be oh so affected by my death may be damaged for life i dunno. but actually both of them are different from me in the sense that they would think i am just being melodramatic to garner their support/sympathy, they aren't too sensitive to 'feelings' despite being very good human beings no doubt...

 

[Rebreb]

Perhaps you could share with them these exact words and the ones above. I think they would take you pretty seriously.

 

[JmpMster]

Isn't it at least as much your siblings choice about how they choose to spend/share their money as yours? It would seem a little one sided of you to decide for your brother that you are too much of a burden that seems like his choice to me, not yours. That leaves the issue of your pride- so I would be very proud that you have been a kind enough and good enough sister to warrant that type of help from your brother- clearly he believes you are worth it. Further,, I would seriously consider opening up more to your brother and being forthright about how accepting thta money makes you feel and ask him for advice on what ideas he might have to help you find more independence or ways you could perhaps do work for him directly in compensation for for the subsistence he has provided. If you choose to continue to keep the issue to yourself or worse do decide to commit suicide, it will leave your brother believing that the issue was he did not provide adequate support for you or adequate reassurance that the support was not something he was angry about. A very deep feeling of guilt for the rest of his life would be poor way to repay him for past help. If you have run out of ideas and resources please discuss this very openly with your siblings and see if their ideas and resources could help you get to a place where you have not only your pride again but also the opportunity to repay them financially in the future as opposed to just giving them a guilt trip for your decision and your pride. Pride is very important and i understand your feelings more than you might be able to believe- but do not let your pride also be shortsighted in looking for solutions.

Take Care and Be Safe- You are worth it

- Ben

 

[PaladinofKnights]

Listen keep us posted on how ur doin don't do anything drastic. We can help you all right we're all more than willing to do that.

 

[losergirl]

All of u are really too kind, sparing your time n thoughts for me. actually m numb all over or rather dead-no feelings, no will power even no regret at the state i have reached...

 

[Rebreb]

This breaks my heart. Your siblings would surely prefer you alive and needing help. I don't believe that there are no more options. Is there no government assistance? Training programs?

Is it possible that you have become depressed which would then affect your ability to find work? Have you discussed these thoughts with your doctor?

Please realize that things do change and opportunities do arrive. My mom was able to start selling crafts online in her 60s and now in her 70s is very busy with it still.

 

[losergirl]

i have explored everything - no there s no hope from government & as far as training prgs are concerned i dont know because as it is i am supposed to be qualified enough with a Masters & a diploma in journalism etc. I am a writer & editor with around 10 yrs of experience in the line but as i said earlier employers don't seem to want experience or skills even, they just want beginners whom they could pay peanuts and exploit for as much time as possible & when they start demanding better package, shove them out...believe me thats what s happening.
as for opening up to my brother, you see while willing to help with money, he doesn't want to be involved in my problems, he likes to remain emotionally detached its more like "take money & shut up" kind of thing he only messages, never talks, never visits tho he easily can & i cant remember when was the last time we talked! Years earlier when our dear parents were alive, they asked him to find a job for me near him so that we could be together but he didnt make the effort.
Yes, there might be some deep-seated depression in me since my dear mom left us in 2008 but i am sure that it hasnt affected my work performance or mental abilities because all my test assignments (with the 3 jobs i got since 2014) were greatly appreciated. So, its just bad luck i would say which refuses to go away...
thank you all for being on my side in this difficult time!

 

[Paco]

Hey girl, thank you for opening up, I know it hard, I'm 49, gonna be 50, it's terrifying to think of being alone and no j on going forward for me made complicated by my disorders that I have because of what has happened to me in past without support to overcome. I have been reaching out yo God, because He created me and He says He cares for me in His word by sending His son to take my place on the cross...so I am holding fast to Him, but the waves of depression and intrusive thoughts are still so strong in my mind and heart that it is a battle right now for my soul. There are moments that I feel rest and then it's gone and I'm drowning again. I have been stripped of all my dignity with my current situation and having grown up Catholic and quite proud of it, the respect that I have lost has been devastating to me. I am having to let go of my perception of myself and learn to walk all over again, so to speak. Ride out the emotions you will land on dry land just like I will, I believe this and it is kind of exciting because I don't know who I will be after or what my life will look like...hmmm, I hadn't thought about that so seriously before. I struggle with suicide, but i dont believe in my heart that it is my only answer left, i still have choices they just arent the ones i want or the best for me but I must see that they are baby steps in the right direction...baby steps girl and if you can volunteer somewhere, it will brighten your spirit by giving. Love you, please don't give up on the future new you, I want to hear about her because I can feel you have the strength and ability to do far greater things than me...

 

[Paco]

And I agree, I know you feel like a losergirl but at some point you have to make the choice to see yourself different regardless of how you are feeling , you are not a losergirl and neither am i!..this is a fact in my life right now

 

[losergirl]

thanks so much for taking time to respond. yeah i know my name is not smthng to be thrilled about but couldnt think of anythng else in my situation! i also agree tht one step at a time is the 'thing' to do but i dont know which direction to move really as all doors are shut tight at the moment n im surrounded by darkness so deep that nthng is visible...

 

[Paco]

Hey how are You? Sending

 

[Rebreb]

If you were to start a business, what would it be?

 

[Paco]

Exactly! Your growing

 

[Grok]

I struggle with having to accept money from my siblings. I don't have a choice, I simply don't make enough money to support myself and child. It's hard, despite knowing I've always given freely to my family, whatever they needed. And I know I'd do the same for them. But it does hurts self respect to live from someone else, and the depressive thoughts will use those feelings of 'hating to rely on someone' and really stick it to you emotionally.

Have you thought about fiver.com and similar writing for cash sites, content mills and the like. They wont pay well (though US Dollar to India Rupee should help with that) and not worth what a Master's in Jouralism should be getting you, but you may feel better getting some income independently. And might help confidence to look for a better job.