dont want to lose my friend

[butterfly06]

first of all i have ptsd. relationships really scare me and i have to stay away from them. getting too close to someone as a friend really scares me as well.
well i have a great guy friend that i have know for about 4 years. i was pretty good at keeping it shallow for the most part, but this year we've been getting a lot closer. we talk every day. hes my best friend and i love him a lot, but lately, the longer we remain close like this, i had developed stronger feelings for him. since then for the past 4 months i have been trying to push him away every time i feel uncomfortable and freaked out. Ive told him whats going on, so he knows about my issue. but he says he couldn't stand to lose me. when i get freaked out i tell him that i cant talk to him anymore and i need him to leave me alone and i cant be his friend anymore. but he will be persistent and tell me that he needs me and that i can hurt him all i want and he will still be there for me.
im fortunate to have a friend like him, and when im calm about it i will be ok for a few weeks up until we start getting closer again, then i freak out and try and sabotage the friendship again. i dont want to disappoint him or hurt him any more. i feel sooooo terrible when i do, and he doesn't deserve me doing this to him. i dont know what to do, and i dont know how to stop myself when this happens. is there anyone whose been through this before and can give me some advice?

 

[Petal]

Hi there,

I've read all of your post. Do you think counselling would be beneficial? Perhaps you could go together?

 

[butterfly06]

im not really sure. i generally have no problem keeping myself under control. im not nearly as bad as i use to be either. and a lot of that, i have accomplished for myself. i know of a lot of people who try to help themselves and couldn't do it or found it very difficult. most opinions i have about medication or counseling are for me alone, for many people it does help. yet as for myself, i wanted to choose the freedom to be myself. ptsd shouldn't define me, but the issues i experience in life are very real. in fact the issues we all face in life are very real and can be traumatic. this life does not escape anyone and its troubles do not spare anyone. nor does the effects it has on us all. but we still have a choice as to how we deal with life, i have a choice as to how i deal with life. i simply found what works for me. i may have not solved everything or fixed everything for myself, as i am still dealing with a few issues that i hadn't had much opportunity to deal with or understand like this one. but i do know i will get there someday, as i have with many other issues i have had. Ive fought many other battles with this and won, and i know i will fight this one and eventually win someday. but as i fight it. i look forward to hearing the wisdom of those who have been through it too.
as for my friend, i have faith that for now he will always be there for me. but i do not want to abuse that privilege i have with him. i want him to be able to enjoy my friendship as well. i dont want him to have to wonder if hes done something wrong or what i am going through all the time. and really, for the most part its great. we spend most of our time talking about our interests or just random dumb stuff. we joke around a lot, help each other out, and even express how much we mean to each other. but unfortunately, every once in a while life happens and i am searching for the right tools to deal with it and still be there for him. he knows my problem. and that's a big start( i would normally not have trusted anyone with that information) as of right now he is still here for me, and i am for him. im just fighting to keep it that way.
counseling is a good tool to have, but here you must be medicated before you get counseling should i seek counseling through the mental heath, or be able to afford a counselor on your own, which i cannot afford.