Drafted a note then deleted it

[Hoon]

I started to draft a note, then thought better of it, and deleted the damn thing. Right now, my wife is out dancing without me, and I'm having my usual fears of infidelity (her dancing is always, I now realize, a "trigger"). She's been going out every other night or so for about a month, and my mood always starts to slide as the hours progress.

Although I'm sure some might just suggest I go with her, dancing in public always causes me intolerable anxiety (hyperventilating and such), so that isn't an option (an old childhood humiliation seems to be the cause of this). Although we've talked about it, she tells me it's the only way she can relieve her own stress and that I have nothing to worry about.

Still, I'm feeling paranoid and pretty worthless. The thought of her dancing with other men, laughing at their jokes, probably flirting (she's a hopeless flirt), while I'm at home being a regular, pathetic bore, well . . . it isn't the picture of my life I'd always imagined. And it certainly isn't the picture of her life that she'd always imagined (she doesn't have to tell me that).

Still, I deleted the note. That's something.

 

[Butterfly]

Hello Hoon

I am sorry to hear you are feeling rubbish at the moment. I did read your other thread aswell so I wont insult you with the you need to see a doctor crap. But in relation to what you have said in this thread there are two issues. You start ruminating negative thoughts when your wife is out dancing thinking the worst but you have anxiety when you go out so it feels like you are in a lose lose situation. I have issues with ruminating thoughts and I have anxiety issues. Im doing something called mindfulness with my community psych nurse at the moment where you acknowledge that the thoughts you have are there but put them to one side. It sounds difficult and Im trying to get used to it at the moment but I wonder if it could be something you could research and do ar home while your wife is out. I hope this has helped a little. I also wanted to say welcome to the forums! Just signing up here and talking about what is bugging you is a step to feeling better and remember you can post anything here big or small we will be here to help or just listen. Take care hun and hope you feel better soon.

 

[Stranger1]

Hey Hoon,
I wish I had some words of comfort for you.. I don't because my ex use to do the same thing to me.. Then she started staying out all night..It didn't take me long to put two and two together..Look after yourself...You need to take care of you so you can rebuild your self esteem..Take Care!!

 

[Hoon]

Butterfly, thanks for responding. I've been doing something like meditation for years, as a means of coping (I say "like meditation" because I'm probably not doing it right), and that helps a little. The thoughts, of course, just strike me and I get tangled up in them for a while before I even realize that I'm just dancing the same old dance.

Also, reading back over my post above, I think I may have slanted my wife in a way I didn't mean to. She really is trying to deal with her grief over her sister's death. The dancing started after her sister died. It's just unfortunate that I have such a problem joining her. I would like to.

 

[Butterfly]

Bless you hun. I have a cd that Ive been listening to in relation to mindfulness and it sort od teaches you that its ok to get eaten up with your thoughts. Then when you realise you have lost focus you can start again. Im glad the meditation helps you a little though thats a good thing. Have you considered going to just watch your wife dance. Maybe if you can see her de stress and enjoy herself you might be able to feel it too. I dont know you may have already thought about that. Keep posting hun xxxx