I went underway on my ship for a day not too long ago. I got back and went right to bed. I woke up 6 hours later in more pain than ever. It is hard to sleep away your pain when you keep waking up with it. I am not excited by anything. I am not happy. I left my room to entertain myself out in town thinking I need to get out. The drive did not go well. I got lost in my "intrusive thoughts", my grounding techniques did not help. envisioning taking off my seat belt and swerving...........well you get the point. I ended up having a nervous break down in the KFC drive though listening to IRIS by goo goo dolls. after that passed I felt numb again. like I had no expectations for the world. As if it were just me, slowly making my way to the end of whatever it is I am doing here. i do not want to feel anymore. I do not want to be alone. I am so very tired. I am afraid this is getting worse. I am afraid to arm up for watch anymore. I don't want to have a break down while armed. I keep having the same phrase play in my head, I don't know where it came from. "I don't love you and I never have". just that phrase. multiple faces, exes, family, friends. all of them circling my mind. screaming at me. I am absolutely petrified of my own mind. I need an escape. I want to feel loved. I want to feel needed. If I can not make myself happy what am I supposed to do? I feel like a leech when I talk to people. As if I bring them down with me. I feed off of their happiness but as soon as I turn I am numb again. all the good memories in the world are worthless against this pain.