Dwelling on the Past

[NorthSouth]

Tried to reply to Freya's home page article about obsessing on the past. Maybe the site renovation is preventing it from being posted, so I'll try here. This is what I wrote:

Thank you very much for sharing your knowledge and your heart, Freya. I can tell myself over and over again that I logically under stand dwelling on the past does no good. But I still find myself doing so. It revolves around two things: releasing the one person I probably truly loved the most in my life, and my obvious wrong choice in career path. As you said, I'm probably romanticizing the past and looking at it through rose-colored glasses. I'm also looking at it from an adult's point of view, rather than a naive teenager's. Still, I seemed to be less mature and realistic than my classmates, but I can't go into the reasons that may be so -- not right now. Of course, because of God d___ Facebook, I've seen how successful my classmates have become with careers and family. Yes, I know it didn't just fall into their lap. It's come from hard work and continual life struggles. But that's just it. It's my laziness and lack of assertiveness over 30 years that has left me at the edge of the rolling brook while others jumped in and have taken the challenge to keep their heads above water. Yes, I do dwell on this. I may use this as an excuse to not have to try hard. Whatever the case, I blew it and still won't try. That makes myself feel pointless, useless, and just want to end it now before I find myself this way at 60. I know I won't try in spite of the opportunities living in an advanced country, so what does therapy do? I deserve to be wiped off the face of the earth. It only takes one assertive action. Help.

Though as I now see what I wrote, I see I'm spending this off-day of mine doing nothing, staying in bed, because I tell myself "I'm depressed, and this is what depressed people do. What a way to give myself an out. People on the outside don't see this one (of many) devious sides to me. Just one moment where I can catch myself to do it... Plus I probably make these entries way too long for people to care. Can't be succinct...

 

[may71]

Sorry that you are feeling this way NorthSouth

Plus I probably make these entries way too long for people to care. Can't be succinct

Please don't worry. It's not too long. Also, it's ok to post as much or as little as you want to

I'm spending this off-day of mine doing nothing, staying in bed, because I tell myself "I'm depressed, and this is what depressed people do. What a way to give myself an out

It's ok to be gentle with yourself. If you really feel like doing an activity would make you feel better, then I hope you would be able to do that, but sometimes the motivation just isn't there. The best thing you can do in that situation, imho, is to not torment yourself. It's ok to give yourself an out if it makes you feel better. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

Of course, because of God d___ Facebook, I've seen how successful my classmates have become with careers and family

They call it Fakebook for a reason.

Happiness has become a field of competition in contemporary life, and Facebook is one of the things that turned happiness into a field of competition. If people were so damned happy, why would they spend so much time putting up pictures and making posts to try to convince other people about how damned happy they are?

Facebook people typically post pictures of their wedding, not their divorce. They post about their new job, not the one they got fired from. They post about their vacation, not their addiction to drugs or alcohol. Above all, they post what they think other people will give them approval for posting, not about what they are really experiencing.

Beyond simply the fakeness of Facebook, in a world that is full of suffering, what kind of a monster is obsessed only with their own happiness, and of making others think they are happy?

so what does therapy do?

I don't know if therapy would help you or not. It's possible though that with the right therapist, you could gain some insight that would change your perspective.

I deserve to be wiped off the face of the earth

No you don't. You have inherent worth as a human being.

I hope that you will be able to find a way to feel better soon

 

[NorthSouth]

Okay, so this post was moved here because they don't believe that I don't feel safe. Maybe not at this second, but soon I hope to catch that moment where I have the nerve to do it.

As for the reply, I appreciate your words. I could argue and debate you, but that doesn't get me anywhere. I could berate myself or feel sorry for myself, but what good does that do? I don't know what help I wanted, if any. I guess I just won't listen, though I wrote here for some reason. What else can I say?

 

[NorthSouth]

And as I said, I understand about Facebook. People open their curtain to what they want others to see. But it doesn't change the fact that they WORKED HARD 30 years ago to have a career and family. I understand that they're continually struggling through life issues. But they left their proverbial fetal positions to go out and subject themselves to this world and be involved with life's difficulties, perhaps just for a few minutes of happiness. When I still had my account, I first shared photos, but then hinted that I wanted to die. Had discussions like this with some, but of course you see how stubborn I am.
I continue not to try and not be social and find hobbies and just want to be left for dead, except that requires the one and only one assertive thing on my part to make it happen. I half-tried in 2017, just to see what would happen, but I didn't <mod edit - method>. I wound up in the psychiatric ward for two weeks just trying to get out because I was afraid I'd lose my job and I wanted iced coffee with real caffeine. This time I'll <mod edit - method>

Just heard some soccer moms lamenting how they have to attend their kids' playoff game this cold early Sunday morning. Just one example of hiding from real life on my part.

So goes another chapter of wanting pity.

Funny how someone "liked" this not even a minute after I posted it. C'mon, that can't be for real...

 

[may71]

I don't know what help I wanted, if any. I guess I just won't listen, though I wrote here for some reason.

It's ok to ask for whatever kind of response you want, or even to ask for no response. It's also ok to post without really knowing if you want a response or not.

So goes another chapter of wanting pity

It's natural to want others to understand and be sympathetic when you are suffering. There's no shame in that.

 

[NorthSouth]

Don't know if you can call it suffering if you cause your own misery. It's like getting a rash from scratching yourself in the same place. It's not chemical like alcoholism. In any case, I feel closer to getting to that one moment of nerve to do it. It IS unfortunate, but I in spite of everyone saying it's not too late to change things now, I didn't work towards opportunities that I'll never have again. Poor me. Poor me. Maybe I'll write again if I'm still here...

 

[may71]

Don't know if you can call it suffering if you cause your own misery

It's still suffering no matter what the cause

in spite of everyone saying it's not too late to change things now, I didn't work towards opportunities that I'll never have again

There are other people who have gone through similar experiences, and have found a way to get better, have been really glad that they didn't kill themselves.

If you want to, maybe you could be one of those people.

 

[Walker]

Okay, so this post was moved here because they don't believe that I don't feel safe.

Hi. Your post was only moved because that section is exclusive to creating safety plans. It's not an area for regular threads. No one is likely to find your thread there (no visibility) so I moved it for you so people would find it and reply.

 

[NorthSouth]

Okay, so, hypothetically, if I asked someone about suicide and they came right out and said "go ahead and do it," then what? Would I do it, or be disappointed that I didn't get the negative attention that I crave? (so much so that I have to provide it for myself most of the time...) Either way it shows that I'm pathetic and a fake and I'm just afraid I'm going to be like this the rest of my biological life...

 

[Were all together]

So, what are you going to do to change it?

 

[NorthSouth]

I don't know.

 

[Were all together]

I don't know.

Well, that's your answer. First, forget Facebook. It's old news. Young people today don't even use it anymore. FB is the electronic version of high school. See who is better. See me, look at me, etc. . If you want too change, you need to want to change. And, yes it sucks. Because it's easier to have pity on myself. There's a saying, " life is 10% of what happens to you. And, 90% how you deal with it". And, you cant change the past. But, you can change the future. Same goes for your life. You can stay in a horrible rut. Or, one day wake up, and say today is going to be different from now on. I refuse to let my mind keep me captive. Changing ways of thinking is 95% of what people need to do. If you can do it for just 48 hrs. You may look at things in a different way.

 

[NorthSouth]

Well, I've already said twice that I dropped my Facebook account because I know people are only showing what they choose to want to -- their creativity, their sensitivity to current issues, etc. They filter their lives. I understand that. STILL, to see that they had the courage and commitment to get where they are, and continue to deal with complicated issues and career challenges is very evident. They're involved in life, whether being able to enjoy a social engagement or deal with a family crisis. I chose and continually choose to not have a life. Yes, I can go out and try to actively change things, but I increasingly feel inept and just don't care anymore. I'm not living a life NOW, so what's the difference if am biologically not living one? I understand, and for the most part agree, with what you've written. But I'm trying to keep this subject in my psyche until I can find the nerve and that random moment where I have no reservations to --- and you can block this out each time, I don't care -- <mod edit - method> And enough this time to do it. At this point, No one really has to reply, because you can see that I'll continue to argue your points and stay in my own little world miles away from reality. Sorry, but it's true.

 

[Were all together]

NorthSouth, I'm not going to suggest anything. Because, you probably heard it all before and yes, you'll most likely argue it. You've been through the therapy and meds. So, what I say will just be insignificant. But, I will say. You've been with us for a long time. This isn't Facebook. I don't care about people's status in life. Only that your here, part of our family. I don't want you or anyone on here to leave. Not in that manner anyway. You have alot to offer. You may not realize it. There's a reason you came here. Maybe, in time you'll realize that. I'm not gonna say doing it is right or not. That's not my choice. But, even though you may think things are ending. What's to say tommorow, next week, next month. Things will change. You don't know, I don't know, nobody knows. Even for me. I don't know what tomorrow brings. None of us do. But, I'll never give up. So, whatever you decide. That's up to you. I hope to still see you around. I'll still be here to talk with you.

 

[NorthSouth]

...and just not dressing neatly and keeping up hygenically and not cleaning up and going out to do anything like most people -- I'm lazy and just don't care anymore. And not just former Facebook "friends" but most adults. Writing this to psyche myself more to leave. Okay, that's it. Really no more to say, for negative attention or otherwise. Sorry.

 

[NorthSouth]

Sorry, I wrote that just as I got your reply... but while I'm here, it's people's assertiveness and courage, not their "status." There is a difference. Sorry, again I just got another reply as I wrote this...

 

[Were all together]

...and just not dressing neatly and keeping up hygenically and not cleaning up and going out to do anything like most people -- I'm lazy and just don't care anymore. And not just former Facebook "friends" but most adults. Writing this to psyche myself more to leave. Okay, that's it. Really no more to say, for negative attention or otherwise. Sorry.

No need to be sorry. You're more than welcome here. No need to get dressed up even. And, it's not negative attention. You are here to talk. And, that's what we're doing.

 

[NorthSouth]

Yes, I know. Push through the difficulty. Get out of the comfort zone. Try SOME THING different. Change a little bit at a time. Like yourself. Trying and saying is not doing. I know. It all makes sense. I have no excuses. I don't deserve attention that I'm obviously fishing for. Eat healthier. Wall and bike more. Get a hobby. It all is true. I can't even say anything here to argue it. So, that's it then.

 

[Were all together]

All we can do is suggest. You control your life as well as everyone else on here. What may work for us, may not work for you or others. It's all up to the individual. Nothing more to say.

 

[NorthSouth]

Yes. Nothing else to say. Time to end the madness and be assertive for the first and last time.

Again, as a legal disclaimer, this goes for me and not necessarily everybody else.

See, I'm empathetic. I know pain and regret as others. But they're willing to change. I'm not so angry or desperate, just realistic. Just have to focus each day on building up nerve, which is natural.

A lot of people jump off Golden Gate Bridge, but it's more the impact on the water at 75mph that kills people than drowning. So it's hard to find a painless method without putting others in physical jeopardy or scarring someone, like a train conductor, for life.

I know you'll probably block all this. But I felt I had to remind myself of reality and not get lost in a fantasy world. Again, I'm sorry I'm not being as empathetic to others here as I could. Maybe in the meantime I could try to be a friend to someone here.