Eating Disorders... A sad rant

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by ThePhantomLady, Mar 22, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I suck at just eating normally (doesn't help that I can't really cook)... And I guess that doesn't help this part of my issues...

    I have a mix of eating disorders... since I was a pre-teen I have been binge eating... It really started when I walked home from school and passed a small grocery shop... I was bullied in school, and was on my way home to a physically and abusive mother... I'd go into the store and use my allowance to buy at least one bag of candy... they always had sales of 3 bags though... so that's what I got. When I got home I would hide in my room and eat them... I even had a stash.
    One of my mum's punishments would be to not allow me dinner... or I'd storm off after a bad fight and refuse to eat her cooking (sometimes I honestly thought she'd poison my food since she obviously hated me so much)... but I'd be hungry still... so I had candy for dinner.

    I was a big girl already... I had to hide my evidence, sometimes I'd even eat the candy hidden in bed, so I could quickly hide it if my mother barged into my room... she once found a candy tin and slapped me so hard and called me all sorts of names... and I think having to hide it like that only made the BE Disorder worse... I got good at hiding it, and I could eat and eat...

    I still, at 26 have an 'emergency' stash of sweets and biscuits if I have bad days... I have this weird 'symbiotic' relationship between my BED and SH... I'll eat so I won't SH... and if I'm working on getting out of the BED behaviour I've self-harmed to handle the urges to over eat...

    Since I was around 13 I wanted to become anorexic. I naively thought that would be the way to lose weight... It turns out I have some enzyme mutation that makes me get stomach cramps if I don't eat after a few hours (I discovered that while working at a childhood obesity clinic some years ago and lending my body to a doctor investigating that as a cause of obesity)... so that never went too well. I even studied it. We had to write a school paper on severe tenage issues and I wrote it on Anorexia. I read so many books... I tried all the 'tips' I found... but I couldn't... and I felt like a fat idiot for always failing.

    I still try sometimes... I know better... I know what to do to lose weight, I know the science... but I just can't stick to a normal diet... it seems like it would be easier to stick to not eating... (also because I'd know it was bad for my body...)

    I got rid of my scales several years ago. Seeing any number only made me feel bad... and punish myself with a binge... if I had gained a gram I'd feel fat... if I had lost some, it wouldn't be enough... I figured it would be healthier to not do it at all. I have been on scales a few times... it's difficult not to when you've worked at a obesity clinic... and my weight has stagnated the last couple of years.

    Some years ago I started to become bulimic... It was one of the most humiliating times of my life... I had to constantly eat, and still try to keep some food in my stomach or else I'd get really ill... it started when I had a psychosomatic condition brought on by stress... at the time I was working at a call-center at a jobcenter... getting death-threats, not being able to take breaks really as the phone kept ringing... During a lunch break, the 3rd time I had to put down my food and run to the phone I got really ill. I got such a sharp pain just below my breast and was about to pass out. I ended up at the hospital... and after months of tests I got told it was psychosomatic... and I am now not allowed to get stressed. lol. Those months nothing seemed to help... I'd get hour long painful attacks of stomach cramps... one of those lasted for 18 hours. One of the times I got sick and threw up... and I felt some relief. After that, any time I had an attack I made myself sick... and I'd continue until the cramps stopped.

    So... when I again became upset about my weight (more than normally) it was a far too easy step to start throwing up the food I ate that made me feel bad. And it quickly became any food. But it was such a weird thing... I still needed food in me or I'd get stomach cramps... I had actual conversations with myself about what food to 'keep in'...

    The most shameful thing is that my sick back has made my bladder weak... which basically means when I'd throw up I'd wet myself in the process. At home I had to sit on my toilet and throw up into a bucket. When I visited my mother and she served me bad food I couldn't find a bag or anything to throw up in time... so I thought 'maybe it won't happen this time...' and I wet my pants really bad... I had no clean clothes with me... and had to stay the night in those leggins... I couldn't tell my mum what happened.

    I told my boyfriend about it... finally... (not that I pissed myself though. Ugh. Ew). And he vowed to help me... He likes my body how it is... and he really helped me. He still checks up on what I eat sometimes... I got out of it... but I'm still tempted. For some reason I still have the bucket.

    The thing is... since I started therapy a month ago I've been nauseous. I try to have 3 meals a day... but it's get harder and harder to get myself to eat anything. Today my nausea got really bad, and I had to actually force myself to eat lunch... breakfast went okay... and by dinner I couldn't. I took a ginger health shot someone gave me for my Birthday and made a huge cup of herbal tea... I know ginger should help with nausea...

    I have these stupid thoughts... if I fill my stomach with coffee and tea... do I actually need to eat... like... what if that could fool the enzyme thing.

    I know it's so wrong... this is not how you lose weight. In fact... I know that if you completely stop eating the body starts burning all the wrong stuff and you don't lose fat, but muscle mass...

    I just wish I could be normal...
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2016
  2. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Hugs I struggled with an eating disorder off and on for 22 years. Mine has mostly been the anorexia. I had bulimia too. I struggle at times with food. It's hard thing to break. You aren't alone. I'm glad your boyfriend is there helping you. Know I'm here too. Hugs
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you hun; I'm sorry though that you struggle as well. *hugs*
  4. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Sad to say, I secretly bought candy yesterday and hidden it in my drawer. I skipped breakfast this morning and been nauseous. I had that appointment this morning to get food help from WIC. I even requested to see a dietitian. They put the request in for me and will get a call later for an appointment I told them my past struggle with an eating disorder. Being hospitalized once when the anorexia got bad. I'm scared to gain weight. I gained some already for the pregnancy but not likely it.

    I heard the longer you struggle the longer and harder it is to stop. I know recovery is possible. I just wish I was there.

    Here for you if you ever want to talk about it. We can beat this together.
  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    *hugs* hun. You're taking some very healthy steps asking for help! I am proud of you!! I do wish I had a magic wand to make both of us okay... but yeah. I am happy you're doing the right things!
  6. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Hugs There is an eating disorder recovery app called Recovery Record. Have you heard of it? I love the app but haven't gotten into it lately
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'll have a look at it sometime, thanks hun!
    brknsilence likes this.
  8. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    I hope you're able to get it and it helps. Always here to to listen
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  9. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about having to suffer with eating disorders. Life is tough enough without dealing with that issue. Try to eat as healthy as you can.
    brknsilence and ThePhantomLady like this.
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