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Eating me alive

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Petal, May 13, 2015.

  1. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    In Jan/Feb 2004 I became pregnant, my mom went crazy as you would imagine as I was only 14. She asked me was I raped, I said no (in my mind i was thinking... not this time). She made me go up to northern ireland to arrange an abortion for the uk, due to the stress of everything I took a big overdose and soon after on April the 3rd I miscarried. I WANTED the baby, I did not want an abortion, my cousin was very cruel calling me all sorts of names...slut tramp etc.... I believe and always have that the overdose killed the baby but obviously I will never know and that kills me.

    I feel so guilty and ashamed. The babys father was much older than me about 20 (my fault there, I told him I was older than I was). He still does to this day not know I miscarried his baby nor have I any contact with him. He just used me for sex. I went out with a lot of guys purely because I wanted a baby. I got a reputation, a really bad one to this day some people still use it against me but wouldn't say it to my face,cowards.

    I HAD to get this off my chest, I just have to. It is eating me up. I feel guilty.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 13, 2015
  2. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hug: Lynn
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thanks for the hug hun, I even feel embarrassed talking about this but I know for sure it is something I need to get out of my system. :hugs:
  4. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    :hug: its okay beautiful
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    You do not need to feel embarrassed. Regardless of your reputation or how you fell pregnant, at the end of the day, you lost YOUR baby. I don't think you should blame yourself for the miscarriage. Your baby may not have survived anyway. When I was 18 I fell pregnant and found out the month before I was about to start university. I was really confused, and it wasn't great timing so I arranged to have an abortion which would have been on New Years Eve 2008. During this time I was really confused about what I wanted to do, but realistically, I could not look after a baby at that time in my life. My head was all over the place, and I went out and got incredibly drunk. A few days later, I had a miscarriage and lost the baby when I was 8 weeks pregnant. At first I was incredibly numb, and I was in shock. And then I felt incredibly guilty and blamed myself for killing my baby. I have carried this guilt for some time, and I still feel guilty, even now. Realistically, I don't think a one night bender would have been enough to make me miscarry, and maybe your overdose would not have been enough to make you miscarry. I have learned to accept that what happened wasn't meant to be. I always light a candle for my baby on the due date and the date I lost it. I have never forgotten, and will never forget.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Wow Lexi, I had no idea, I am so sorry. Our situations are very similar, I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, keep lighting those candles and praying on those dates, it obviously helps you. I think I need to stop dwelling on the past and focus on the present, you seem to have a good handle on how to deal with this. I will say a prayer for your miscarried baby when I'm laying in bed tonight. I like you was so confused about what to do, what was happening, I was scared, very scared. All we can do now is look to the future, I cannot believe how much talking about this has helped, I should have talked sooner.

    Best of luck to you lexi and know I am always here for you :hugs:
  7. D.I.P.S.C.S

    D.I.P.S.C.S Member

  8. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    :hug: Lynn. You are right. Dwelling and living in the past does not change anything. It's painful, and we do carry our past with us, but we can learn from the past to change our future for the better. You are strong Lynn, and you can get through this :hug:
  9. Useless

    Useless Active Member

    Maybe he deserves to know... It might give him something to think about as a more real consequence of his involvement. Maybe he won't make the same mistake again and keep using people. But I think he needs to know a life he helped to create is gone, and he did nothing to help the situation. When he is 47, single and lonely he can look back to this moment.
  10. Koji

    Koji Well-Known Member

    i'm very sorry for your loss Petal. I hope you feel better soon.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry but I'm not contacting a guy who used me 11 years ago, he probably will not care about what happened anyway. He was a selfish prick. I have no way of contacting him anyway, even if I could...I wouldn't.
  12. Useless

    Useless Active Member

    Im sorry. Forget i said anything.
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hugs: for you my friend. Nothing to be sorry for. It's just I detest the guy, not your fault.
  14. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Was brave of you to come forward with this. :hug: it was not your fault, it was meant to be. If it helps, a lot miscarriages happen more than what people hear/think about. Making it full term is like winning a lottery when we were born ourselves.
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thank you! I have always told people about it but I never really went into detail like I did here and it has helped to know I am not alone and don't have to cope with it alone. I'm going to agree that perhaps it was just meant to be. That seems like the most cautious way of thinking about it.

    I know what you mean by us being like a lottery, I was born premature, I was 5lb 15oz. I struggled then and I am here still struggling on now. I have to talk to my inner self and say YOU CAN DO THIS.

    Thanks again :)
  16. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I'm wishing you the very best! For that's what you have been to me--& so many others on here... You deserve it so: Good luck; and just know that I am pulling for you!
  17. kylowhex

    kylowhex Member

    You remind me of my school m8 who got pregnant at 14. Probly the coolest freind i ever knew