Ed is getting SO LOUD

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Brave, Jul 8, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Brave

    Brave Member

    I was diagnosed with Anorexia in the Fall of 2009 (at age 29). I had an accident at work that caused me to injure the nerves in my spine and since it happened at work it was workcomp and I just felt like everything was out of control and that I especially no longer had control of my body but I quickly learned that I could control my weight (at first I lost weight because the pain pills made me feel sick and so I wouldn't eat but then it got worse). I ended up going Inpatient for 60 days (luckily we found a great place in California that dealt with Chronic Pain, Depression, and Eating Disorders- so I was able to address everything). I continued to work with a dietician, therapist, and psychiatrist when I came home (and I still work with all of them as it's been a long complicated road). I got to a point with Ed that I was doing so much better- maintaining weight, gave my treadmill key to my therapist so I couldn't use it to overexercise (I had gotten really bad before I went IP), and turned in my scale so that I couldn't see my weight.
    But Ed has been working his way back in and is getting stronger lately. I had another accident at work, therefore I am dealing with workcomp again so things have been really rough again and I know it's all the uncertainty causing fear that is bringing Ed back. But I am also injured to the point where exercise is not an option (completely torn ligament in my ankle and injured L4/L5 in my spine) and so I am fearing that my weight is going up. My body image has still been something I battle with but it has gotten a lot worse- getting dressed in the morning is so hard, it takes forever to find a shirt I feel hides everything.
    The worst of it is that tonight I gave in to Ed. I just couldn't take him screaming at me about how much weight I am gaining and so I bought a scale. I haven't seen my weight for awhile so my fears of having gained weight came true and now I am FREAKING out. The thoughts of restriction are already in my head after seeing my weight. I don't see my dietician for a week and know that when I do see her I need to be honest and tell her what I've done but the more I weigh the harder it will be. I have got to get that number down and fast.
    Looking for encouragement to stay healthy and not fall back into the Ed trap.
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hello brave welcome to SF, I am sorry your ED is causing you so much pain and I wanted to say I think it's fantastic that you recognise it's an issue and want to stay healthy I hope you do so and can hold on this week until you see your dietician and yes please be honest with them.

    Given your accident it is so important you look after your body, and also your mind mentally so please be gentle on you and take care of yourself.

  3. Brave

    Brave Member

    Thanks, you are right about needing to look after my body especially because of my injuries. My dietician has mentioned that many times, especially as lately yes I've been eating but not very balanced and so she has really been working on that with me. My therapist is working with me on learning to take care of myself and allow myself "me time". It's like you read their minds.
    I have been really good about being honest with my professional team for a long time but right now Ed is just so loud that I feel like I need to know my weight constantly and that I need to restrict to get that weight down. I kind of had a mixed day. I fell into the usual trap when one starts to restrict- I didn't eat much early in the day but then late in the day I was so hungry I didn't make well balanced choices- more like foods I really truly should avoid.
    Thanks for your supportive message!
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.