Ed nos

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by flowers, Oct 5, 2013.

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  1. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am not anorexic. Nor am i currently a compulsive eating disorder pattern. Therefore I fit in nowhere. I have looked all over for a good place for people who are ED NOS to post. Have not found one so far. Tried twice to register at something fishy. But they do not get back to me with a link or an acceptance. So I am posting here. Please do not judge me because i do not belong here. I am not anorexic. And I do not pretend to be.

    I have been having a huge amount of trouble restricting lately. I somehow gained a very small amout of weight. I do not know why I am not losing it. Becaise I have restricted the past few days. but it is clear that I will have to restrict even more. Not so easily done. For month upon month restricting was so simple. and my body showed it. I do not know if its the weather turning cold. Or that I ate trigger foods. But all of a sudden restricting has become very difficult. i ate the other day because a doctor told me to eat. She asked me my weight. so i told her. I lied by a poind or two making the weight higher. But she still didnt like it. I do not know why I listened. Was stupid. I ate 3 small snack size bags of chips low calories healthy option chips. Huge mistake.

    2 weeks ago I was eating apples. not smart. i found out they are loaded with carbs. they did cause me to gain a small bit. i think eating those things somehow reset my body. So now I am having a hard time losing even when I restrict more than usual. And doing it while I am even more depressed. of course I feel too fat to leave the house. I am trying my best to restrict even more today. But its hard. because I want to self medicate. Today I took something to sleep so I wold not be tempted to eat. the gain is only adding greatly to the depression and the isolation. I especially feel isolated because I do suffer with this. But it is NOS. So I do not fit in to the three forum areas at websites. I got chewed out by someone at a different website because i was not ano. Well, I am not ano. I just love losing and love the control of it. But I also love food. love it. Even though I do not partake in it. Thanks for reading. I feel so alone and isolated with this. Hopefully I can sleep. And just eat a teeny bit today. I am so worn out by this ed. too many decades of the pain and humilation
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    flowers hun an eating disorder is just that and it does not have to be anorexia or bulimia to be a disorder ok You should be able to post anything you need to post and have support for it I am sorry you are struggling hun hugs to you
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thank you for responding V. What should be, is not. I was chewed up on a different website for not being ano. I was not posting in the ano area. But the general ED area. Just that the person thought my words about my ed were not enough of a problem. Because I said being ill helps me to not be as tempted to eat more. She was very rude in the post.

    I do not belong in other ed areas that only have choices of ano, bulimia or binge eating. I do not currebtly fit in any one of those areas. I am officially ED NOS. I took twice the clonapin I normally take. And a dicyclamin on top of that which normally makes me sleepy. but it didnt work. I ended up eating 5 ounces of steamed chicken breast meat. I really am determined to get rid of that tiny bit I gained. I know its sick to feel big at my weight. But its the nature of the disorder. I found another ed website. I hope this one will be active and kind. I will be ultra careful though. Very triggery around the ed. I just have reset the old pattern i got away from three weeks ago. But I am doing it. Then I will feel better. thanks again
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know it is hard hun but you have to block those people who are rude and ignorant ok they have no right to talk to you or anyone that way just block them hugs
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    cannot block her from reading my words. Best to not post there. I am way too troggery to have felt safe after what she said. She said I sound like I am bragging because I admitted I am too sick to be eating a lot of foods right now. Bragging? Who in their right mind would brag about being so sick. How sick is that to think someone is bragging about being sick. As if starving becaue you are sick is something to boast about. I do not feel safe posting with someone like that around. And they do not have good management at this website.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    well at least you know you are safe here ok the person that is the sickest is the one that attacked you hugs
  7. Yoyogirl86

    Yoyogirl86 Well-Known Member

    Why don't you speak to your doctor about your pattern and see what he/she says and where to go from there?
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm sorry flowers, some people are just idiotic and mean. I can feel how painful this is for you, I don't have answers but know you are in my thoughts.
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Imsorry, both of my doctors are well aware of this challenge. I honestly do appreciate the idea though. Thanks

    Mo, thanks. I appreciate it........ as always :hug:
  10. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    Awww flowers I can relate to your pain. People are assholes. At least the person that got in my face about it at another website was polite, if blunt. I had thought EDNOS pretty much covered everything that didn't fit into the standard diagnoses... hence the "not otherwise specified" part -- but apparently there's some kind of hidden criteria we're not aware of? Or people just like feeling superior if they're "sicker" than you and they don't want you honing in on ~their~ turf.

    And I relate to the restricting difficulty too. I was trying to be less black & white in mine but black & white seems to be the only thing that works. I guess if our bodies adjust to getting fed less it won't matter much how I do it, it will level off even when I'm good... then I just try to remind myself that it's more about the control and sense of power than numbers on the scale. *hugs*
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Sadbk, I am so sorry you had this problem. :hug: I think that EDs can be such a huge trigger. I also thought that ED NOS was kinda the ED that didnt fit in to the other catogories. I too think that eds can really be about control. So maybe sometimes people will try to control what other people say or do, in hurtful ways. I am sorry you got slammed. Really sorry.

    I found a website that had an area that was not for specific eds. There was the ano and the bulimic and compulsive overeating area but then there was an area that was for other eds. What I would have considered to be NOS. I posted there. Great. But for my intro post, someone felt inspired to tell me what I had to do. Some of it in CAPS, lol. She seemed to think I had to see a nutritionist. even though I answered that I have learned what I can eat from naturopaths. There was quite a list of things I was strongly advised to do. Including local groups I was to join, therapy and of course the ever important nutritionist., Then another person piped in. confirming what the first person said. Even though I had said I was agoraphobic. She said there is always skype, lol.

    In terms of black and white, I have to be. I am not healed enough to eat most foods. They are triggers. Although I must say, I am not restricting in general as I used to many years ago. Needless to say, that website is way too triggering for me. Reading one thing I write as an intro and then insisting they know what is right for me is not going to work well. Apparanty the website is part of a treatment facility. But they did not say that. Someone at sf googled it for me and found out. So they are quite agressive on treatment.

    I sO agree with you that its more about the control and sense of power than numbers on the scale. But what I have noticed in people I love..... who have EDs is that the ed has the power. It is the most illusive disease. It gives the illusion that the person has power over eating. But the disease has the power over the person. I call it the disease of warped mirrors. Its harder to see in myself. And it scares me a lot to think of this as being myself. But they were purely anorexic. I am not. I am too thin. But I have many times been too heavy. And have referred to myself during those times as a culinary sociopath. I ate without conscience, lol. Both ways are self medicating in different ways. I know that the only true antidote is to heal the roots of the ed. The roots that cause me to do it. My brother says we are programmed to do this. He also has body dysmorphia. And has been vigilant about his weight. We both have the disease. but he never took it to extremes.

    I would like to hear more from you about your situation if you would like to talk more about it. Thanks for your post. And I am sending you lots of healing thoughts. :hug: :arms:
  12. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind words and healing thoughts!
    Probably any ED site you go on will be triggery, right? I can't imagine one that wouldn't be, unless people are only allowed to post when they're doing well, and really, don't people feel more inclined to reach out when they're NOT? Just speculating though. I haven't visited a lot of sites.
    Telling you about myself might be triggery too...? But I'm not secretive about stuff if you're curious :) (at least, not secretive under this anonymous name I use!) One thing I will say... I'm always in control. I've had long periods of near-normalcy. "It" has never controlled me. So I'm not sure whatever it is could even be considered EDNOS, truly. But... it's SOMEthing?
  13. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I would trust a professional to dx me. Or perhaps myself. But not someone who doesnt know me. You have lived with it all these years. A therapist who specializes in EDs dxed me. But I knew she was right.

    Who was this person to know that info that you do not qualify for ED NOS? If you know you have an ed then you do. Plain and simple. And yes, I agree that if NOS means not otherwise specifified ( and of course thats what it does stand for) and you do not fit in to the other catagories then it is logical. Trust yourself. Trust what you know. not what someone who is likely themselves hurting tells you about not qualifying. Not that you asked, lol. But thats my opinion,

    I do not trigger by people talking about themesleves. I do get triggered when people insist they know whats right for me and try to strong arm me into doing it.. Especially when they have no clue who I am. When I say that I know about nutrition for my body, and they assume I am incorrct about that, I get triggered. I do not like it when people who do not know me decide they know more about what I need. Thats a HUGE trigger. urgg.
  14. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    My therapist doesn't want to talk about my eating. She feels like it encourages me to be unhealthy, if she gives me an audience. She casually said I have an ED and I said no not really because blah blah blah... and she didn't want to argue with me. I don't really want to talk about it anyway because she doesn't understand (and we have plenty of other stuff to talk about!). And hey, you got a professional diagnosis, so PFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT to the bitches on that site!

    So you want to go against what they tell you to do? Seems to be a natural reaction sometimes. I am more likely to behave how someone wants me to behave if there's compassion behind it, and not annoyance. And in your case, just plain ignorance!

    I know I'm unhealthy. I haven't suffered for it physically though so I keep on. I feel like if I could just be good enough that I could put it to rest... like climbing a mountain and finally reaching the top, and then you know you never have to climb it again because you've DONE IT... only, I never quite am, so it goes on and on. I think that's because I'm not ready to let go of it as a coping mechanism.
  15. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    The question becomes when and how does one recognize they are good enough? Once the mountain is climbed, is there the next mountain that must be climbed to be good enough, in an attempt to validate? For me the answer is yes. I totally agree that it is a matter of it being a coping mechanism. I wonder though if its a matter of just letting go? or perhaps understanding the roots of it and then substituting healthier thought patterns. I do not know the answer. Because i have not done it.

    Perhaps feeling my body and I are good enough is the never attainable goal in my twisted realm of body dysmorphia. So perhaps the remedy is working on the roots of it. The reason I lost the power. And how I can get back that power. So I am not looking at things through warped mirrors, warped thinking. Other peoples warped sick judgements imposed on to me so long ago. Judgements I have long held to as if they were gospel
  16. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    Yeah, it's true that you can keep wanting to go further... I guess since I feel like I can't even make it from molehill to mountain, I don't feel like that would happen to me. I just know that until something magical happens to push me 100% towards life or towards death, that I'll just be in this awful limbo neither living or dying.

    I hope you find a way to accept your body the way it is and get past whatever unfair judgments were laid on you *hugs* I feel like I can see mine objectively (I know I'm not "fat" per se, only that I weigh more than I wish to), but even so, I was surprised when I saw a photo of myself taken at my lowest recent weight, a couple months ago. I looked super skinny. I never think I look quite that skinny when I look at my actual self, or in the mirror.
  17. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am SO glad you could see in the photo that you look super skinny. Thats a good sign. This diisease is a club I would not want anyone to join. the pain that goes along with it, no matter where someone is on the spectrum :hug:
  18. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    Thanks, flowers :) You're sweet
  19. LexiRN

    LexiRN Active Member

    I have a history of anorexia and currently am bulimic. I don't have any great pearls of wisdom other than to say it doesn't matter what name it has, they all bring suffering...and you are not alone!
  20. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I just saw this. I am so sorry you are dealing with bulimia. And yes, they all bring suffering. I wish I had words that could help. Just know I care. This is a club that I would not wish on anyone. It usually runs people's lives. All consuming
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