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Ego State Disorder - just stumbled upon this and it so very much resonates

extraterrestrialone

phoned home, no one answered
SF Supporter
#1
http://www.fortrefuge.com/did-persecutory-alters.php
i saved this article must be a long time ago but apparently never read it or i totally forgot it. i am wondering if anyone has any knowledge about the subject. it describes hijacker so well. am i to believe hijacker about who hijacker says it is? i am apparently in danger as i’ve often stated. and i think hijacker will stop at nothing in leading me in wrong directions. hoping someone here knows something/anything.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#4
http://www.fortrefuge.com/did-persecutory-alters.php
i saved this article must be a long time ago but apparently never read it or i totally forgot it. i am wondering if anyone has any knowledge about the subject. it describes hijacker so well. am i to believe hijacker about who hijacker says it is? i am apparently in danger as i’ve often stated. and i think hijacker will stop at nothing in leading me in wrong directions. hoping someone here knows something/anything.
Very interesting article, thanks for posting.i will look into them links further,,I'm obsessed with understanding my self destructive nature ..first time ive heard of ESD ,ive known for a while ive deep a routed problematic EGO .
 
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extraterrestrialone

phoned home, no one answered
SF Supporter
#6
Can I get a basic summary on what these articles cover?
the qualities of persecutory alters. different “personalities” within a person’s mind. and how the persecutory alter assaults the individual. honestly i have not read that article since i posted it and what was most vivid in my mind was how similar what the author was describing is to what i call hijacker in me. it has been very cruel to me insisting that what it has cause i am worthy of. (at the same time, it also insisted that what it did to me was purely for its pleasure - and that it was just convenient that i deserved it too. hope this answer is helpful.
 

extraterrestrialone

phoned home, no one answered
SF Supporter
#8
Hi @extraterrestrialone ,was reading this ,hope its of use ,,light bulbs going off for myself ,,explains alot .
https://www.traumaawareness.net/working-with-ego-states
Cheers.
hey Lost, this is great. thanks. the more resources the better. seems to me as if the professional segment of mental healthcare is not really interested since most of what i’ve found dates back to the early 2000s like this one (‘08) and i think the one i posted about above is from around the same time and most of what i’ve found about dissociation is from long ago also. I really believe that one must delve into this in their own head along with professional help before relying on meds, but this idea seems to be extremely unpopular.

one might argue it is unpopular with reason but i don’t think so - or that is to say, i believe the reason is that giving meds is easier and does not require deep involvement by the provider. (meds are convenient and money making - professional deep involvement is stressful to the professional provider).

i do my best to speak up about this subject with people here, my therapist, in my facebook post about mental health and with anyone else i’m able to talk about it with. honestly i think meds are actually detrimental if used before exploring Ego States and their respective Disorders. look at me! i have no degree but aside from being a victim of a Persecutory Ego State, (hijacker) for most of my life, and observing as best i can other people around me and what i read, i think i do have valid opinions and ideas on the subject. i hope one day i’m able to get a truly positive response from a mental health professional.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#9
hey Lost, this is great. thanks. the more resources the better. seems to me as if the professional segment of mental healthcare is not really interested since most of what i’ve found dates back to the early 2000s like this one (‘08) and i think the one i posted about above is from around the same time and most of what i’ve found about dissociation is from long ago also. I really believe that one must delve into this in their own head along with professional help before relying on meds, but this idea seems to be extremely unpopular.

one might argue it is unpopular with reason but i don’t think so - or that is to say, i believe the reason is that giving meds is easier and does not require deep involvement by the provider. (meds are convenient and money making - professional deep involvement is stressful to the professional provider).

i do my best to speak up about this subject with people here, my therapist, in my facebook post about mental health and with anyone else i’m able to talk about it with. honestly i think meds are actually detrimental if used before exploring Ego States and their respective Disorders. look at me! i have no degree but aside from being a victim of a Persecutory Ego State, (hijacker) for most of my life, and observing as best i can other people around me and what i read, i think i do have valid opinions and ideas on the subject. i hope one day i’m able to get a truly positive response from a mental health professional.
I agree ,its complicated. Physciatrist, physcologists or therapist have to get good at evaluating there clients case and pass them on to an accredited professional that have the expertise.
What I know of myself now compared to years ago is night and day.
In that article ,what it says about needing to be in a relaxed state to do the work is correct.
I kept digging last year and my phsyci was too fragile to handle it ,,,ive been dealing with a break down since.
I have a similar opinion on meds and from personal experience.meds have there place but I can see why they didn't work for me personally. I didn't get out unscathed, they did me damage coming off them.
Everything I learned about myself since childhood all clicks into place .
Cheers ,take care.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#10
Hi @extraterrestrialone .
If someone is lucky enough to get a DID or EID diagnosis before anxiety or depression is medicated they can do the work to heal ,,,but this is all very new.
Its taken me years to figure myself out ,,the meds definitely stunted my understanding because my case is so complex ..I now see these EGO States that fight inside me ..(well ,so did the self medicating I did for years ).
That saying "becareful what you feed inside you is very true .to find a modicum of peace i have to find a way to tame the selfish superficial jealous,envious side to me ..it seems to of attacked me badly in the last year when I got very sick .like a wolf going for a wounded lamb.
Thanks ,hope your well .
 

extraterrestrialone

phoned home, no one answered
SF Supporter
#11
hi @LOSTINSIGHT ,

i just started with a new intensive program that i had been in a couple years ago. i will do my best to make my case about Ego States/Disorder there, but i believe that generally, those not actually studying this area just don’t take it as being valid. i have mentioned it to many and they look at me only acknowledging that i said something in the room, but remain unwavering in how they are treating me. i intend to do my best to pin down a psychiatrist and find out why or why not issues relating to Ego States as based on these articles here, are valid. i always feel as if my professional mental health help only wants to help in ways that they perceive as valid or appropriate and exclude everything else. yet i keep feeling that they are missing much of what i am saying to them. i realize that they are experts in their field and that they are approaching my treatment in accord with what research and study have arrived at, but i still wonder why what seems so evident to me apparently is without merit.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#12
Ye its so frustrating ,,in the age of the internet people like us are free to research ourselves ,,
I really wish my story and situation was as easy as picking a DSM diagnosis and the meds that they match for it .(meds work for some people).they didn't prevent my destructive behaviour and dissonance.
So much research is only new ,,people like us talking and being open will help progress .
My opinion is that the medical model of mental health is far too one sided in regards medicine.
We are beings with souls, the western world has it wrong in so many ways.
I'm confrontational in front of drs ,I will change this going further .I now see why ,,its an EGO state .
The article that you put up was the the final peice to my puzzle,,as far back as 4 years ago the EGO kept popping up in searching .
People like us on here are so valid to progress but we feel the opposite.
Validation is so needed for us and an open dialogue .
Ile get some links together and post them here .
My mam has a saying for me ,"i was such a happy little boy" some were that was lost and taken over.
I mite not like the answers but I deserve them .
Thank you and total respect @extraterrestrialone .
 

extraterrestrialone

phoned home, no one answered
SF Supporter
#15
Is your therapist the type to learn from your research.
my therapist is responsive to the things i talk about and seems to take me seriously but often i feel as if she thinks its ok for me to have my beliefs and opinions but when it comes to how things really are, she will not divulge that information because it infringes on my therapy.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#16
The obsession with medicating everything has hindered the exploration into trauma and its understanding( self medication aswell). In generations to come things will change.who knows maybe some things are better kept buried ,,it al bepends on circumstances and personality .I could never control my curiosity.
Cheers.
 

extraterrestrialone

phoned home, no one answered
SF Supporter
#17
Daniel macker has a nice YT channel .
The open dialogue and approach in this video can be triggering for us if we are met with a different approach ourselves but we are searching already .
HI Insight, i only just now got to watch the whole video. its very enlightening. so glad you posted it. i see it was made 9 or so years ago. do you know if theres been any follow ups? i’m going to send a link of this to my therapist and former therapist. i really love the idea of no meds! and it makes me feel so hopeful to see positive results like shown in this video. and to think in 2011, that was when i was first really trying to repair myself and hoping to do it without meds. no surprise though that i was put on meds. glad i quickly resisted though.
 

Dante

Git
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#18
Hi @extraterrestrialone ,was reading this ,hope its of use ,,light bulbs going off for myself ,,explains alot .
https://www.traumaawareness.net/working-with-ego-states
Cheers.
I read the above, and I also did some other reading, though I struggled to find more than stubs, one such stub is this blurb which seems to be the clearest explanation of what ESD is distinct from DID: Ego State Disorders: Dissociative but not multiple. If anyone can give something which is more than a blurb which clearly describes ESD distinctly from DID, then that would be great, unfortunately the second I started reading up on ESD the headache I have had for the last week exploded, so its difficult to read atm. (Coincidence?)

Ok, I'm gonna try to sum this up and if anyone is interested enough, let me know if I'm on the right track. I coloured the stuff from the Trauma Awareness article in blue, and the stuff interpreted from the blurb and other sources in yellow, things figured out from a mixture of both is in green (for ease of distinction)

So what I'm getting from this is that everyone has multiple egos (i.e. sets of behaviours/variations of self-identity) created and developed to best deal with specific situations like a work persona and a home persona, or a withdrawn persona to help deal with a difficult relationship, furthermore we instinctively inhabit those egos in the appropriate situations and those egos each develop individually by taking on the good or bad of the situation to better adapt and handle the situation in future (like we imagine we do as a whole person), and that whilst the boarders between these egos are fluid, adaptive and open and you can happily transfer between them without issue you are considered functional and healthy, but when one becomes wildly distinct or dysfunctional and dissociated from the others, memories may not pass between them, and in extreme cases they may even become distinct personalities, then you are considered to have a dissociative disorder like DID or ESD (depending on severity)

ESD seems to be when there are semi-rigid boarders between egos and they seem to process and function distinctly from one another, but are not developed or distinct enough to be their own personalities. These dysfunctional egos can cause conflicts between one another when processing input and put pressure on your mind causing issues you are not consciously aware of until you inhabit each ego at which point you become aware of it, like explosive rage that only comes out when you inhabit the specific ego in question, but the rest of the time just gives problems like anxiety, depression or even somatic symptoms like chest pains or headaches. In extreme cases memories may not transfer properly between these egos causing gaps, but you are still essentially one person.


DID is when one or more of the egos become distinct, developed and rigidly separated enough that when you "inhabit" one of these egos you become functionally a different person, one you are maybe even unaware of when you are in different, more open egos, causing gaps in memory from when you were in that ego. As a functionally different personality this ego can come to form a complex relationship with the other egos even becoming adversarial.

Effective therapies for ESD and DID involve trying to loosen the boundaries again and get all the egos functioning towards united goals whilst strengthening the primary ego so it has greater control.


If I am understanding this correctly (and I kind of hope I'm not) I may have screwed myself with childish self-programming when I was younger and combined with an abusive parent may have caused very mild ESD. I do so hope I'm wrong, but this idea of separate egos even in healthy people does explain a few things nicely, since my personality is wildly different depending on situation.
 

extraterrestrialone

phoned home, no one answered
SF Supporter
#19
So what I'm getting from this is
yeah, this is pretty much my take on it too. and as i mentioned above my hijacker definitely was out of control thus making me kind of dissociated and dysfunctional.
no one has ever diagnosed me as ESD but when mentioning it to some of the professionals dealing with me, i did get the grunt of acquiescence.
until you inhabit each ego at which point you become aware of it, like explosive rage that only comes out when you inhabit the specific ego in question,
i would followingly think (at this point in my life) that i do in fact at times ender the hijacker ego and during those times i became unable to prevent it from acting out its anger - on me!
this ego can come to form a complex relationship with the other egos even becoming adversarial.
i once read an article by the director of a new york mental healthcare facility who generally spoke about how DID does not really exist... that people with the help of naive providers use it as excuses for crimes committed. i think many people do subscribe to this closed minded theory. I myself have had considered it a fake disorder too however when reading the article i posted (in the hopes that discussion like this would eventually begin) it resonated so much. at least as far as ESG, the persecutory alter description was an exact description of hijacker and now - learning so much more about it does make a lot of sense to me.
If I am understanding this correctly (and I kind of hope I'm not) I may have screwed myself with childish self-programming when I was younger and combined with an abusive parent may have caused very mild ESD. I do so hope I'm wrong, but this idea of separate egos even in healthy people does explain a few things nicely, since my personality is wildly different depending on situation.
i hope you are not beating up on yourself for “childish self-programming” i clearly did the same and i do know it was hijacker’s work. i was aware of what was going on at the time but i just could not stop myself from doing it. specifically i’m talking about doing extremely negative self affirmations effectively brainwashing myself to greater self harm. but that is not childishness and not something easily dealt with. and with people in the field not really giving this subject the recognition and study it deserves it is a shame at the very least. It is so good to know that others do believe in it. i do think you have a good understanding of DID/ESD Dante. I really hope more in the MH healthcare field come to understand it.
 

Dante

Git
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#20
This topic has been very helpful to me, I have spent a long time trying to understand how my mind works (mainly because its not working properly with depression and anxiety and such) and this has turned it from an alien landscape I need to explore into something I understand and which makes sense, the idea of multiple egos existing even in healthy minds has made everything just fall nicely into place for me (as my egos are so wildly dissimilar), it also explains DID which I could never quite see as real before (though I never believed it was fake) because I couldn't understand the mechanic of how it works, now it seems as obvious and natural as any other mental dysfunction.

i hope you are not beating up on yourself for “childish self-programming” i clearly did the same and i do know it was hijacker’s work. i was aware of what was going on at the time but i just could not stop myself from doing it. specifically i’m talking about doing extremely negative self affirmations effectively brainwashing myself to greater self harm. but that is not childishness and not something easily dealt with. and with people in the field not really giving this subject the recognition and study it deserves it is a shame at the very least. It is so good to know that others do believe in it. i do think you have a good understanding of DID/ESD Dante. I really hope more in the MH healthcare field come to understand it.
Ah, what I did wasn't something so natural as that, I was a smart cookie when I was small, and I noticed I was bad with people, (in hindsight it was due to my Aspergers, which I wasn't diagnosed with until I was 20) I was almost entirely non-expressive, distant, and my natural reactions were simply different to normal people, so consciously and deliberately I generated a persona which I meticulously constructed and perfected over the last 20+ years, things I did to construct this (in order of when I started them):
1) Repetitively practiced conversations whenever I was alone to make them flow more naturally and program which responses I would naturally reach for
2) Repeated phrases over and over to myself with different intonations until I found the one I thought sounded good
3) Practiced facial expressions and body language in the mirror for different emotions, not the ones I felt, but the ones I "should be feeling" and trained with them to be more natural
4) Implemented the above together in real situations practicing feigning the "correct" social and emotional response to stimuli and trying to feel the corresponding emotions tweaking my responses based on people's reactions
5) Repeatedly exposing myself to "correct" stimuli and involved social situations to force myself to become comfortable with and derive enjoyment from them.

With the exception of stage 5 (which came at university) the groundwork was laid in the first 10 years, since then I just tweak and practice. That "persona" is now a fully developed ego, one of my 2 primary ones and the one I inhabit most often, and the problem exists in that it is in DIRECT conflict with my other primary ego, the one I see as the "real" me. If "The Persona" and the "Real Me" met as separate people, they would not be friends, they have almost nothing in common.

So in short, I think I screwed myself.
 

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