eh

[noplacetogo]

I know there's no reason for me to feel this way...I know i shouldn't want to die. Life isn't so bad, I have a home, clothes, food, job, etc...I have my health. Everyday I get up and i just feel empty. I keep buying things i can't afford. i keep doing things that mean nothing to me. My will is weak. the thing inside me that crys out to live doesn't cry anymore. it's just a memory of what it was. i'm just a memory of who i was. I used to be happy. i remember...i think...i used to laugh anyway. life was funny. it's still funny, but in the wrong way. there doesnt seem to be anything left for me. the only thing stopping me is her...it'll hurt her too much. how could i do that to her. leave her that way... if only i could put that aside.
i think sometimes this isn't me talking, that i'm sick, have depression or any of the other illnesses. i think maybe i should get seen, and then i see myself and know this has nothing to do with any mental illness...this is just me. i'm not sad all the time, and even on those days, i want it, im not afraid of it. i tell myself lies sometimes to make it hard..."unfinished business" and whatnot. ooo "true love", that's a good one. what about money, that motivates... some. tonight i'm gonna lie in my warm comfy bed, dream of sugarplums i'm sure, and tommorow, i'll wake, have breakfast..french toast, yum....and go about my daily life and maybe something mildy interesting will happen, maybe not. no one knows or cares. we're all just bodies thrown in with the heap of other bodies waiting, just waiting. how some people make the wait worthwhile is beyond me. i suppose they have a way of making the lies be truth. wish i had the blueprints.
i think sometimes this is my past talking to my future...trying to remind me she's been hurt, trying to warn me of what will come. but then i look at myself and know my past is me. memories of what i am and was. the heap of bodies just waiting. there's nothing left for me in this life. either i wait with them, or i go....there's never been an easier choice...

 

[allfu***dup]

I think I understand. I dont want to be here at all. But yet I dont want to leave my 3 year old w/my husband. He wont take care of her the way she should be. And so Im stuck. Every morning driving home I fantasize about being in a car reck, but I cant because my little baby will be left w/no one. I feel stuck. My type 2 diabetes is progressing because I dont care enough to take care of myself. My teeth are deteriorating secondary to the diabetes. I understand your feelings of emptiness, I feel that way right now. Its like someone sucked your soul out of your body and all thats left is the shell.

How long has this been going on with you? Almost 10 years for me, but its really getting worse the past 6 months or so.

 

[luso]

I understand what you said and... I kinda feel the same way....
I wish I was a child again...life was easy, and I was happy, at least happier than now.
No problems in life, or at least, I can´t remember them...and at least if there were maybe I could solve them other way.
...

 

[noplacetogo]

allfu**dup, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. And im sorry you've been feeling so bad for so long. It's been almost 8 years for me...but i think i've been sad most of my life. I don't know what it will take for me to get better, and i'm afraid there isn't anything. I hope for your daughter's sake that maybe you can find a way to work out the pain in your life. Have you ever seen a doctor about it?

luso, thanks for the reply. it is sad that the joys of childhood dies before we're aware enough to understand it. for me though, i don't want to be a child again. it's just not possible. if it was, i supposed we'd never die:S i just want peace, or something like that. just a little happiness here and now...