Hello, I'm new here (obviously) and these past three or so months have been, interesting. I'm even more mute than I used to be, my best friend seems to be getting more and more distant, I'm constantly thinking about my other close friend who now hates my guts (and for a good reason), I've lost my passion for the physical sciences, I've strangely become more musically literate and my taste for music has gone from fast-pace alternative rock to mellow, slow classical music. I can't concentrate at school, I've become less modest and more irritable, I have random crying spells when I'm having flash backs (because I'm weak and fortunately only when I'm alone), I've lost my love of bike riding (though I still do it sometimes intensely just to make my legs burn), I'm a fiction fan (before I only read nonfiction), I no longer have a sexual orientation, I not only don't try to make friends now but I avoid it because I know I'll hurt them, I daydream about suicide sometimes, not realizing I'm smiling or even laughing, I hurt myself sometimes because it takes my mind off of things, I haven't been answering my phone (a friend just tried to call), I stay awake until morning even if it's a Friday or Saturday (that's when I don't do homework), and I've become a ***** (bet you can't guess what that is). Other than that, life's great and I've found this one vitamin called 5-HTP which increases serotonin levels and creates miracles! (taking one too many gave me this weird emotion called self pride for about ten minutes) Anyway, I just thought it would be a good idea to put that somewhere where no knew who I was, I don't care if you read any of it, it's just a little relieving to have it somewhere where someone might look at it (the inanimate spiral falsely named "biology" wasn't quite enough). Not sure if I'll look back at this to see if there's any responses. I honestly believe the only thing keeping me from death is the fact that my parents would probably blame themselves (such loving parents, I feel weak for having them and still feeling like this) and the fact that I will be remembered incorrectly (if at all). Really, if this is how life is (and I know it's only getting tougher) why bother? Am I right? God that was hard to write, I've never told anyone any of that.
'Ello
- Thread starter jeg
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Welcome to the forum jeg. Please don't consider yourself weak for having flashbacks. You are strong in that you survived whatever it was that caused them and your mind is trying to make sense of things. Experiences can cause a major shift in who we are and it sounds like this has happened to you. I am glad you you have joined us and have started to share. I hope you find comfort and understanding here. :hug:
Hi jeg, pleased that you are here. 5 htp did miracles for me too - I would encourage you to keep on with it. it helped my sleep patterns and sorted out my serotonin I reckon. God was forward thinking when he made griffonia (and the seeds they use in the making of 5htp), eh? It's awesome that you have such loving and caring parents. Please try to talk to them about how you're feeling - and please don't do this because you don't want to uspet them. If you don't try - and keep everything bottled up inside, they won't ever be able to come alongside you like they would want to if they knew. I know how my best friend's son's suicide came like a bolt out of the blue for her and all she thought about was "If only.........." wanting the time with him again before it turned out to be too late........ please don't put them through that... I don't write this to put you under pressure, and yes, life is getting tougher you're very perceptive - so that is all the more reason to reach out to your folks and to SF and concentrate on the positives you have in your life and the people who care. Blessings and strength, there is purpose in it all.
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