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Embracing Anorexia

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Ladybugaboo, Feb 25, 2013.

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  1. Ladybugaboo

    Ladybugaboo Well-Known Member

    For a friend, I gradually began eating normal meals for awhile... I gained 2 pounds then lost 4 pounds a few weeks later (probably the side effects of wellbutrin). My aching bones have begun to jut out more prominently. They're my source of comfort/stability...whenever I feel that my soul had separated from my body, my bones reassure me that I am real...

    Backtracking to January 29, I experienced a crushing pressure around my ribcage.... it was like the air was being squeezed out of my lungs. That physical pain happened again last night... This morning I decided not to recover. I'll be plunging further down the rabbit hole until I hit rock bottom: Near death; not dead – just hovering in-between.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun time to reach out for help hun there is support for you and you should not be suffering hun Please reach out for help
  3. f5j23jk2

    f5j23jk2 Well-Known Member

    Eat something, take your time, even if you're not hungry. Have at least fresh fruit around, drink some juice and eat a fruit salad.
  4. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    Your post makes me sad and I want to hug you. Bones and all. *squish*
    I'm on Wellbutrin too. I noticed it says you're not supposed to be on it if you have an eating disorder. -? Are your doctors clueless?
    I hope things get better for you.
  5. Ladybugaboo

    Ladybugaboo Well-Known Member

    My psychiatrist is unaware of my ED. Wellbutrin doesn't help me at all. I only take these meds to keep me at a low weight.
    Thanks guys; but I don't ever want to be on the cusp of health. Like I said in my post, I'll simply be hovering in-between, and I intend to stay there..
  6. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    Can I ask why you want to stay in-between? :hug: I hope you're doing ok today.
  7. Ladybugaboo

    Ladybugaboo Well-Known Member

    ...because it's the only place I feel safe; I 'shutdown' and escape to an internal world – maybe I'll even disappear forever if I stay here too long.
  8. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    The sight of looking so thin might be a source of constant reassurance to yourself, yet that is only a means to masking your emotional pain and is a far cry from anything truly positive, as the pain you are beginning to feel is that of your body begging to crack under the constant strain you are putting on it and telling you that unless you change not only your eating habits but also your mental habits (indeed, that is also a habit), then you will dead before you see June.
    I know how difficult being anorexic can be, having gone through it myself, where at my lowest, I had dropped to only 49 kilograms (dangerously underweight for me at the time) and while it has been a long while since I fought back, there are still times when I feel like slipping back into it, even knowing the dangers. If, right now, the last thing you want to do is see a proper health nutritionist, then at the very least, have a gander (look) at these links (below) and read up on not only the symptoms but everything that comes with putting your body through such punishment and then, hopefully, you will reconsider and seek to change.


    We are all cheering for you :bubbles:
  9. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    Why do you think you feel safe in the in-between state? What things in your life are making you want to disappear? I can relate to escaping from the real world... I think a lot of people do that in their own ways. I think when I was really struggling with my eating disorder, it was easier to be occupied with thoughts about that instead of other problems in my life. Is that how it is for you?
  10. Eat well, body gets healthy and strong and you have the strength to fight off any devils. Take care T.S.
  11. Ladybugaboo

    Ladybugaboo Well-Known Member

    7 years after recovering, I relapsed on August 22, 2012... If I can somehow keep this up without dying – highwire balancing psychological and personal issues – then I hope to finally be free, unbound from my phantasmal shackles by risking everything to overcome my paralyzing fears and hindering limitations. I must not stop or I'll slip backwards into failure. I'm aware of the repercussions but none of it matters to me, even if I do end up dead.

    @lumina: Yes, you are right. You seem to understand what I'm going through.

    Kind folks, I'm using anorexia as a crutch for emotional and mental stability: "Whereas other issues and decisions might seem overwhelming and unconquerable, food is manageable and can be manipulated by the sufferer. Anorexia moves life into a restricted pattern of behavior based solely around food and exercise. It means a regression into a simple, straight, black or white way of living." – which makes my life a bit more tolerable.

    I'll have to apologize because I'm unable to explain all my reasons :( but I hope each of you understand why I had to choose this detrimental coping mechanism. Thank you for all your support. xxx
  12. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    I hope you are doing well by now : )
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