End it all

[Dinolaur]

Hi @Dinolaur pleased you are feeling a little better today. Sometimes it’s the tiny changes, little steps, noticing the small things, that can build together to make a difference. Nothing is a quick fix and the pull to the dark side is always there, but you have us here at SF. You are part of our family and we look after each other. Xx

Thank you, I appreciate that. I notice you’re from Kent! I’m in Essex lol

 

[Holding my breath]

Thank you, I appreciate that. I notice you’re from Kent! I’m in Essex lol

Yay! Not too far away. 🎉

 

[Dinolaur]

Yay! Not too far away. 🎉

Just the other side of that god awful bridge lol

 

[Holding my breath]

Just the other side of that god awful bridge lol

Absolutely. Drove that way yesterday and the queue to get over had backed up for miles. Fortunately I was traveling in the opposite direction. Just drove past poor people sitting in their cars waiting in the queue. 🙄

 

[Dinolaur]

Absolutely. Drove that way yesterday and the queue to get over had backed up for miles. Fortunately I was traveling in the opposite direction. Just drove past poor people sitting in their cars waiting in the queue. 🙄

I do not envy you! I avoid going that way like the plague 😂

 

[Holding my breath]

How are you doing? Xx

 

[mosaic hearts]

Sometimes, our suicidality & our depression, lies to us, or tells us lies...

Yes, because one's focus starts to narrow. Not good. This is why it's very important to talk to someone when feeling desperate.

 

[SamwiseTheBrave]

I think a mum who isn’t happy is only going to bring misery to their lives. I love them so much, but I can’t bring anymore happy memories to them. They deserve happy memories and a happy, healthy mum. I’m neither.

My mom was rarely happy. But she was there.
My dad left
I've suffered the consequenses of that rejection since (trust issues, low self esteem etc)
No matter how you feel you aren't good enough for them, you simply being there does more than you can imagine
I'm sorry to make your thread about me, but believe me .. You being there matters
I really hope everything will get better, I think it will!

 

[LumberJack]

@Dinolaur - I just noticed this thread. I wish I noticed when it was new. I wanted to say that I have enjoyed our conversations in chat. I am sorry it is so painful for you now. I would echo the sentiment of samwise above. My mom was not perfect, she did the best she could although she was only able to make minimum wage after my parents split. My dad stuck around for 6 years but then he abandoned us. I am in contact with my mom today. I am still bitter about my dad, though. The point being, that presence counts for a lot more in the eyes of a growing human.

No parent does a perfect job, and by what measure would we even determine that anyway? If you love them and do the best you can, they will feel that. Kids are especially sensitive to whether their caregivers are kind or not. That’s the most important thing, IMHO, based on my past experience of being the same age your kids are today. I hope you can find some comfort.

 

[SillyOldBear]

@Dinolaur Like Jack, I just found this thread. But I remember you well. You were a fixture in chat. I hope you will come back. You were liked there and you are missed now. I hope some brightness comes back into your life soon.

 

[I_waste_everything]

I don't know what this is worth coming from me, but my Mom - both my parents - were deeply miserable for decades after my brother died. It's true that I was upset to see them this way. However, they held on through it, and now they are well adjusted and find ease, productivity, and happiness together, each day. I've been with them all throughout. I'm glad I get to see them as they are now.

 

[Dinolaur]

@Dinolaur Like Jack, I just found this thread. But I remember you well. You were a fixture in chat. I hope you will come back. You were liked there and you are missed now. I hope some brightness comes back into your life soon.

I’m sorry I’ve just seen this, I haven’t been on here very much at all in the last 2y but I am doing okay for now. The girls are doing great. I got a new job and then another new job which I start a week Monday. Pain isn’t any better with my fibromyalgia but that’s to be expected. I hope you’re well my love

 

[Dinolaur]

@Dinolaur - I just noticed this thread. I wish I noticed when it was new. I wanted to say that I have enjoyed our conversations in chat. I am sorry it is so painful for you now. I would echo the sentiment of samwise above. My mom was not perfect, she did the best she could although she was only able to make minimum wage after my parents split. My dad stuck around for 6 years but then he abandoned us. I am in contact with my mom today. I am still bitter about my dad, though. The point being, that presence counts for a lot more in the eyes of a growing human.

No parent does a perfect job, and by what measure would we even determine that anyway? If you love them and do the best you can, they will feel that. Kids are especially sensitive to whether their caregivers are kind or not. That’s the most important thing, IMHO, based on my past experience of being the same age your kids are today. I hope you can find some comfort.

This was such a lovely comment to see even though it’s been sat here for some time without me reading it! Thank you. I appreciate your kind and gentle words

 

[SillyOldBear]

I’m sorry I’ve just seen this, I haven’t been on here very much at all in the last 2y but I am doing okay for now. The girls are doing great. I got a new job and then another new job which I start a week Monday. Pain isn’t any better with my fibromyalgia but that’s to be expected. I hope you’re well my love

Glad to hear you are doing so much better. You have been through so much. Hope you find time to drop into chat once in a while.
Its my turn to deal with health issues. Am heading to PT for my back soon, but that is improving. Am waiting on tests for another issue the results of which may not be good at all.
See you in chat?

 

[Dinolaur]

Glad to hear you are doing so much better. You have been through so much. Hope you find time to drop into chat once in a while.
Its my turn to deal with health issues. Am heading to PT for my back soon, but that is improving. Am waiting on tests for another issue the results of which may not be good at all.
See you in chat?

I will absolutely try to get into chat when others are there. Everytime I’ve been in recently no one’s been on it. It’s like a ghost town

 

[LumberJack]

I will absolutely try to get into chat when others are there. Everytime I’ve been in recently no one’s been on it. It’s like a ghost town

yah I know. There is some activity every so often but I'm not dropping by as frequently.

 

[Taylor M]

I just want the days to be gone. Done and dusted.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. Life is shit. I feel so selfish for even considering this when I brought 2 humans into the world. But I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t think I can wait another decade, until they’re old enough to get by without me. They have their dad and both sets of grandparents, that’s what matters right? I’m just going to bring a whole host of misery to their lives. No one wants a miserable mum, and I can’t keep pretending anymore.

I’m hurting physically and emotionally. I dread what my life in the future holds. I don’t see any future other than one that’s filled with loneliness. I don’t want that for me.

Hi @Dinolaur
I'm sorry your so hurting so much, I know the feeling. Believe me.
I don't have kids so I don't bare that big responsibility. Having kids is the biggest responsibility possible.
Losing their mum at that age (I'm assuming their very young) would tear a hole in their world would never heal. It would leave profound scar tissue that would stay with them forever.
I wish I could give you better advice. All I can say is keep fighting the good fight. For your kids and yourself.
No one knows what the future holds. Take it one at a time, one mental battle at a time, and eventually all those little victories add up over time, and hopefully you find yourself in a better place.
Wish you all the best.

 

[Dinolaur]

This was a beautiful message, thank you. This post is really old from me, but I appreciate it all the same because I do still have those down days, maybe I’m growing because I’ve not felt the need to end it all for quite a while now, but I know I can always come back to this message if I need to hear it. So thank you

 

[Dinolaur]

yah I know. There is some activity every so often but I'm not dropping by as frequently.

I get it, I haven’t been on in forever. I hope you’re well lumber jack

 

[KM76710]

I’m sorry I’ve just seen this, I haven’t been on here very much at all in the last 2y but I am doing okay for now. The girls are doing great. I got a new job and then another new job which I start a week Monday. Pain isn’t any better with my fibromyalgia but that’s to be expected. I hope you’re well my love

That is a fine update and I hope you keep having good news. You always have a spot to pop in here even if to just visit for a bit, always glad to have you with us.