every breath

If I could do it, I'd do it. I do, however, have a counseling appointment on Thursday. So every breath I have is dedicated to "don't do something you'll regret later". I took some tests in my Assessment Skills class, and they showed that I was at a high risk for becoming an alcoholic. I was scared, and I talked to my boyfriend. He and I agree that neither of us would drink (except for him & social situations), but last night ... last night, he said "beer > suicide". So I had a beer. It helped. I was laughing...but then the laughter faded and I wanted another one but my parents were still awake downstairs so I didn't have the guts to get one so I just went to sleep. Naturally, I wake up this morning with emails from my boyfriend telling me that he's got a busy time ahead of him for school. This bothers me. Like, I'm almost angry. He's my happy-thing. He makes me not want to kill myself...and now he's taken away from me when I need him the most? Grr. Worse, his mum is coming into town on Monday, and I think he's not sure how long she's staying. She doesn't know we're dating (and she hates me, so that's why).

So I guess what I'm trying to say is ... does anyone understand? is anyone there listening to me? because shouting at the top of my lungs "I hurt inside" isn't socially acceptable .

[I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone in saying all this.]

 

I can hear you screaming Monica. I'm listening so please keep posting. I know exactly how hard you are struggling right now. It takes a lot of courage to share but I think you're off to a great start. I'm a pm away if you want to share and know that someone cares and is listening to all you have to say :arms: