Everything bad right now.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by takiado, Jul 10, 2008.

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  1. takiado

    takiado Member

    Okay, well... I've been failing school for many years now because I'm too damn lazy to do the work. I get bored with classes and the only ones I like I pass. But this used to be the fact of life for everything. Until a few years ago. I've been failing high school and now I'm starting to go for My General Education Deploma (GED) so I can get into a Junior College. Anyway, I currently feel like complete shit and I've been feeling like this for a year now... maybe a year and a half. But I never get depressed, I mean I never used to. I thought depression was just an excuse to make people feel bad for you or its just a feeling "other people" get. But I've been getting it real bad for a while and it gets even worse. I have to worry about College and Work and my best friend whom I had thought was the one and only other person who was JUST like me who could understand me has become to my eyes as just another person, like everyone else. I was like the "cute" guy at school... (trust me I'm a loser, I'm a video game nerd, computer geek kinda guy. The ONLY thing going for me is my so called "Looks"). But even then I always think I look like shit so I just give up on even trying to look good. (on rare occasions I feel content with the mirror). Anyway, I am a very generous guy and I've never given myself the chance to ever put people down or somehow make myself look like I'm better than anyone else ,because I'm not. And anyway, I'll cut to the chase: My friend is a kinda nerdy , but he's more like an obnoxious guy who has to be cool for people in a way. This is when I realized we are much different. He gets really homophobic and its really not that big of a deal to me to wear certain clothes or act a certain way because people are people and in Japan clothes are just clothes... guys can wear dresses if thats their thing... I mean he may not have as many friends for it, but the fact is it doesn't matter about what the fuck people think about you; and this is his fault. Anyway, basically he's been doing this and it irritates the fuck out of me. (He's given me shit for years for trying out new things such as going for the whole emo punk goth, whatever you wanna call it, and now he's doing it... so basically I felt like shit for every single thing as he would criticize me and now he does it and he gets the friends that once hung out with me, the people who like him criticize me, and basically this was all I had in the "social" world and he's taken that away from me.

    Besides that.. I could go more into that if it is needed, but on another note, I've been in a band and I know we're really good... potentially. As we play together well when we Jam, but I know for a fact that I am a poetic writer and I've been embarrassed to show any of my songs to anyone because.. duh I've been criticized by the same friend who tells me "oh thats gay" or "oh thats too emo". And I put my heart and soul into these and I could swear these songs are "THE songs". Anyway, I am very good with musical tone, I cannot sing like a professional (I need lessons to be descent) but I can definately go for tone. I'm an artist in almost every subject, but I'm really good with music. This same friend wants to run the show, he wants to be the main guitarist and sing and make the songs and give us music sheets telling us "DO THIS!" It gives me no spot to say to the world "Hey! I'm somebody, not just anybody, I'm [Blank]!" Yeah and I play Bass guitar so thats not saying much is it? Although I wanted to play guitar he forced me on bass cause he was "already playing guitar" But as what used to be whatever I enjoyed I did well and I studied Japanese Rock style bass guitar and I'm extremely fast and I can use my skill of tone to play really well, but I just can't express myself in this band when he's doing this to me. My brother is a jerk just like him and everyone is telling me that I'm saying that I am right and everyone else is wrong... But I can't just say they are all wrong. My brother is almost as bad, but anyway, the fact about him is he's in a stage of trying to be cool, as he thinks he's "the shit" for having sex with his girlfriend in his not so sound proof room while I go on the computer and go on Youtube. Anyway, musicwise I think I will fail and the whole Idea about ALL of this is that a choice to me is that if I don't make it with music somehow or if I never become that "this is me! " person that I always wanted to be and show everyone for all of those years as a kid who would all would pick on me or make me feel stupid or make me take the blame for things , if I never become that person to show everyone that I am and always was somebody then I can always just kill myself. And this has been an option for me for a while. I've thought about it and I've thought about how my family would feel. The only person I'd be afraid of becoming messed up or hurt the most would be my little 9 year old brother. My mom, maybe. But I feel like life isn't even worth it. I'm just going to work all my life , think about dying, retire, then die. I may just be in a childish way of thinking right now, which is why I am really trying to just give myself a chance and wait to see if in the future if I have don't have a reason to live then, then I'd just go with plan B which is suicide. It seems like the easiest way out of everything. My parents are so fucking strict and they hurt me when they don't even know it. They get me almost nothing for holidays like christmas if I get bad grades which I guess is reasonable because its a way of teaching their kids to get better grades, but I never get good grades even if I try, and this last april I wanted to get something for my 18th birthday and they made me pay for the $200 door that I broke when I punched 2 holes in it during my month long fits that I'd get in. I break down a lot.. I know its WAAAYY too much to read and I'm sorry. You don't need to help, but please don't criticize.. please. Thank You for your time.. (I hope I don't sound pathetic. And I may have missed a BUNCH of things but the fact is that I'm really depressed and I'm thinking about near future suicide).
     
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Hey Takiado.

    I think you should try to assert yourself on the band abit more, don't be affriad to express yourself, you only live once. If your band mates and this guy in particular who criticizes you doesn't appreciate your ideas and input then you know that there not worth being around. I'm sure you can find another band and better friends if you really wanted to.
    It's good that you have all these ideas and that you have aims in life and goals. It gives you a direction in life and you seem to have faith and confidence in that
    direction. Don't ever give up on trying to achieve your goals.

    Whatever we find worthwhile in life, isn't it worth fighting for?
     
  3. takiado

    takiado Member

    You're right. Im sorry to everyone on here who see this and know that they have more serious things to be depressed about. I know that me being depressed is more than just this whole conflict with this guy and this whole band thing, but I do need to be assertive about this whole situation. I think writing music will help me feel better about myself... well hopefully it'll be a way to get my feelings out or something. But yeah, being assertive is easier said than done. I've never been good at it, but I'll try.
     
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    You have nothing to apologize about.
    Your music is your passion and it seems like it's a big part of your life.

    As for your parents, for now your under their roof but once you have the money and the means, you can move out and not have as much contact with them. It's definitely not uncommon for people to really fall out with their parents and rarely
    keep in close contact with them. Let your music and your future motivate you.
     
  5. takiado

    takiado Member

    thank you so much for talking to me. It means a lot.
     
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    No problem. Hope it all works out for you.
     
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