Literally.. I try things but im just shit at everything. I want to draw so badly but no matter what I draw the same damn way ive always drawn. I cant see anything in my head, its just a jumble of feels and blurry undefined shit. I cant even imagine good. I was never good in school, I basically skipped everything. Even now I can't do anything well. It's so demoralizing to be nothing. I have nothing thats mine that i can say that's mine. i feel like i want to rage out but even that feeling is running low. I just want to do something good, but im believing i cant now. Like there is no way. Ive been on this forum for what 5 years? I cant even do this right. All i want to do is sleep but i never get enough. i have to deal with people i have to this i have to that. i just want to sleep in a corner and stay asleep. .. im sick of doing things from other people, i want to express and develop myself but ... im the same. im the same person 5 years ago, except more frustrated and demoralized. i dont want to snap out of this feeling when my gf comes back, but i will. it'll be a sharp yank and ill conveniently forget how i feel and just be on edge again. takes me so Long to get from that to this, no one understands i dont want them to understand theyll only tell me reasons why and what to do or how they feel or soemthing. dont they see.. i need to be left alone i need help to be left alone and back in school or some sort of program where it is possible i can develop my creative side. it's so dead i feel like a drone and all thats left of me is crying out but i dont let it be heard because theyll tell me what it means and start telling me what to do. even talking about them is making me snap away from how i feel.. i dont want that.. i want to feel all my agony.. i dont want feel nothing anymore .. i just want to do something that i am proud of and can build from but its all the same. why cant i see things in a new light anymore.. why do i look at things and it's the same way ive looked at them since forever. why do i forget how i feel!!!!!! why do i forget so much about everything. nothing i do matters im just nothing... i wish someone could hug me without it being a person. I just want to feel apart of something more than this life .. i dont understand it and its driving me nuts i dont understand anything and im with someone who basically vocalizes she understands everything by stating she doesnt understand everything but comes off as she understands everything its so fucking annoying . not sure where that came from but i just ug... Im fucking everywhere with my thinking its so erratic no wonder i cant hold a simple fucking image in my head, no wonder its undefined and undisciplined im a dissappointment to my parents , im seriously the biggest fucking waste of space and im sick of wasting my time. im sick of wasting this. im so angry ive let my brain become jelly im so angry i cant be who i want to be, im so fucking dissappointed in who i am and i get worse and worse everyday im so god damn lonely inside i feel no comfort i have NO real comfort i DONT build anything from day to day in myself I GET fucking Aggitated more often than i care to admit now. IM SO FUCKINF ASKFJASKL i dont even know why i post here anymore waste of fucking space i am here 2. even the way i post is like the black plague not that i dont agree. anything to distract.. but im sick of distractions.. but i suppose better to distract the feelings inside to dodgy the agitations around.. im still a waste of space.. almost 25 years.. i remember when i was 8.. now im 24.. theres nothing i can do ..