Everything is back

[dying_inside]

I thought i had defeated the suicidal thoughts but they are back.
i hate everything, i cant stand a single thing of being alive.
im lonely, so lonely i cant bear it. im alone all day and do nothing all day when i dont work AND
i hate my job,
i hate my flat,
i hate this summer,
i hate my body,
i hate my feelings,
i hate my thoughts,
i hate myself,
i hate the world,
i hate life.

i cant think of myself without an "expiration date". i dont want to be here next year or grow old... lose everyone (parents and therapists) and do it all alone.
on the other side, i dont want to be part of a couple - i get tired/annoyed way too easily...
friends wont understand... not that i have any -
theres nothing that i am passionate about or that makes me happy. i just want to be dead.

my T is on vacation until september and i dont see my psych until friday. i dont know if i can wait that long...

what can i do? please help

 

[sadhart]

I'm sorry about the dilemma that you're in. Well, I know it isn't much, but you can post and chat here until friday. But I know that this isn't exactly the same as talking to a therapist or some other professional. I understand not wanting to deal with any of this anymore, but I do manage to find somewhat small things to keep going. It's not easy and I wish I knew the best way to give you hope to keep going. But know that you aren't alone for whatever it's worth.

 

[iloverachel]

I am sorry you feel so alone and depressed
Remember we are here for you my friend
You can message me whenever
Hope you feel better soon

 

[Windhover]

I'm so sorry @dying_inside . . All I can think of right now is to not allow any further negative self recrimination. And then to intentionally disrupt the "loop-of-hate."

 

[dying_inside]

I'm sorry about the dilemma that you're in. Well, I know it isn't much, but you can post and chat here until friday. But I know that this isn't exactly the same as talking to a therapist or some other professional. I understand not wanting to deal with any of this anymore, but I do manage to find somewhat small things to keep going. It's not easy and I wish I knew the best way to give you hope to keep going. But know that you aren't alone for whatever it's worth.

Thank you, i have contacted my GP to get an anti-depressant but im not sure he'll prescribe it to me...

I am sorry you feel so alone and depressed
Remember we are here for you my friend
You can message me whenever
Hope you feel better soon

Thank you my friend, im trying staying with my head above the water...

I'm so sorry @dying_inside . . All I can think of right now is to not allow any further negative self recrimination. And then to intentionally disrupt the "loop-of-hate."

Thank you, but how do i disrupt the loop of hate? its all i can feel for now. hate hate hate... for everything and everyone and especially myself. i wish i could tear off my own skin. its unbearable

 

[Windhover]

Thank you, but how do i disrupt the loop of hate? its all i can feel for now. hate hate hate... for everything and everyone and especially myself. i wish i could tear off my own skin. its unbearable

I'm hoping that being here, accepting care and support, and especially putting your thoughts on the present mosment might in time eventually start to disrupt the hate @dying_inside . I awlways sense a good person when reading your words, I mean despite how bad things are at times. You deserve peace and fulfillment. I'm sorry things are dark.

 

[iloverachel]

Hi how have you been?
Have not heard from you in a while
Hope you are okay

 

[dying_inside]

Hi my friend, sorry for disappraring, ive been doing very badly but not enough to go IP. I keep surviving one day at a time, one hour at a time. This time i dont see any light at the end of the tunnel, not even the end of the tunnel...
I Hope you're ok. Let me know. Hugs

 

[iloverachel]

Hi my friend, sorry for disappraring, ive been doing very badly but not enough to go IP. I keep surviving one day at a time, one hour at a time. This time i dont see any light at the end of the tunnel, not even the end of the tunnel...
I Hope you're ok. Let me know. Hugs

I am sorry you are still doing badly, I hope things get better my friend
Always here for you

I am also not so well. fighting one day at a time as well

 

[Saffypoiu]

I thought i had defeated the suicidal thoughts but they are back.
i hate everything, i cant stand a single thing of being alive.
im lonely, so lonely i cant bear it. im alone all day and do nothing all day when i dont work AND
i hate my job,
i hate my flat,
i hate this summer,
i hate my body,
i hate my feelings,
i hate my thoughts,
i hate myself,
i hate the world,
i hate life.

i cant think of myself without an "expiration date". i dont want to be here next year or grow old... lose everyone (parents and therapists) and do it all alone.
on the other side, i dont want to be part of a couple - i get tired/annoyed way too easily...
friends wont understand... not that i have any -
theres nothing that i am passionate about or that makes me happy. i just want to be dead.

my T is on vacation until september and i dont see my psych until friday. i dont know if i can wait that long...

what can i do? please help

I can relate to most of what you are going through.
I see no happy future for myself whatsoever and people in general just irritate me. I feel trapped in this flesh-prison body, while at the same time I am trapped in this sick and twisted thing called " society ".
There is a constant war inside my head and the battle is only worsening with the agonising passage of time.
I have a date set to meet the grim reaper and put myself out of my misery before Xmas this year.
I constantly fail to find any point or meaning to this existence and I am now of the mind that absolutely nothing matters anymore because virtually everything ends in suffering anyway.
Knowing I will finally be free from this nightmare existence in the near future brings me a sense of comfort and peace.
I view my self-deletion as an act of mercy upon myself as opposed to one of negative consequence.
I am sorry that you are suffering too and cannot offer any words of comfort because I don't believe in toxic positivity.
Yet at least Knowing that other people understand you, and can relate to you may bring a small amount of comfort.