Failed Life

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Druidblue, Sep 25, 2013.

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  1. Druidblue

    Druidblue Member

    Hiya! :eyebrows:

    First post here, and it won't be short. It's a rant, yes, but it's also a question, so if you feel able to respond, great. I may not agree with your take, but I will still appreciate it. Also, please keep in mind that what I'm about to say is solely how I feel about MY OWN life and not how I view matters for other people, who I believe are welcome to form their own standards, goals and measures. Lastly, this is appropriately in the depression forum, because while the focus of my issues is my anxiety disorder, the brunt of what I'm feeling is from the severe depression caused from circumstances of the anxiety disorder.

    So, firstly, I've had generalized anxiety disorder and depression since 1991. I've studied it all along, learning everything there is to know about it, with nothing helping in overcoming it. I did have a professional career from 1995-2002, but I have been entirely unemployed, without any source of income, since 2002. I am stuck living in "mom's basement" at (almost) 42. I have access to community health for medicine, but it's been a circle of attempts at keeping me "functional", but no better. I'm actually back on Prozac, the first thing I took ~21 years ago.

    I can not find a means to make income. Due to this, I'm penniless and unable to function in society- everything costs money that I do, and things such as groups, volunteering, etc. are out for me due to my anxiety disorder, which makes them impossible. I am a "maestro" personality type. That is 25% of the population. Maestros identify by their career. What that means is, when someone meets you, and (inevitably) the first question asked is, "What do you do?" A non-Maestro would answer, "I am a bag-boy at Kroger's Supermarket." A maestro personality type like myself answers, "I am a virtual reality developer." There is no identification *where* you work, or the title of your position... instead, you ARE your career. Maestros consider their career as identity, and when we settle on a new career, we imagine a bookshelf sitting to our side full of books on our career topic.

    Now that I've explained that, it helps you understand the impact it's had not having an identity since 2002. Now, combine the fact I have had no identity with the fact than I have no income and no hint of any way to make money in the foreseeable future, as well as the other problem I've faced due to my work and subsequent lack thereof: Chronic loneliness.

    I've been entirely alone since 1997. Not a single hug, let alone a date. The problem is, I am now almost 42. I have nothing to offer women my age. I have little relationship experience, only one relationship at high school/college age. I have not experienced all the "firsts" you should experience in your 20s or early 30s- living with someone the first time, sharing a bed, compromising as a couple, any amount of sexual experience beyond the most basic (bad) experiences. Also, I do not hold the same interest and mindset scheme most women my age do. I am a (computer) gamer. Many women around 40 believe games are for kids. (The average gamer age is 39.) I have no interest -or ability- regarding travel. I don't care about upkeeping a house (I'd rather not... hire gardeners and handymen to do the work, I don't enjoy it and my anxiety prevents me from using power tools anyways!) I don't party. I don't socialize. I have no friends- I don't get along with many guys I meet, who act overly macho, and I love women but simply don't meet any anywhere that have interest in me. I go to Starbucks daily, but I live at a major university, so I'm surrounded by 20-somethings. I am entirely interested in them, but they see me as "creepy old guy", of course.

    So, now that I've established a crash course of my circumstances, let me summarize what I'm feeling.

    I'm almost 42. I have no career, and therefore no identity or purpose in life. I am only attracted to fit, young women but I am too old and overweight (but I don't have the finances necessary to lose weight- enough can't be done for free without proper gear, such as an iPod, tennis shoes, clothes). Even if I lost weight, I'd need to find someone 10+ years younger than me based on everything I've ever experienced, and in order to meet another important issue: I have always judged not having kids as failing at life (see my above comment on this applying only to myself). If I don't pass on my DNA and morals to kids of my own- not stepkids or adopted kids, who won't perpetuate my DNA- then when I die, it will be as if I never existed. That means I will have utterly failed at life.

    So, when I consider this (which is too often for my liking), I realize how bleak my future is. It is overwhelming being around attractive women, knowing I'll never get to touch one for whatever life I have left, based on my needs and circumstances. I have no career, and due to the nature of society, I can't find one I'm capable of performing with my anxiety disorder. I can't get any money, so I can't improve my circumstances even at a shallow or basic level. Looking to the future, I am facing a penniless life, alone, with no purpose, no love, no intimacy, no kids, no purpose, no hope.

    You can probably formulate your own ideas on how that puts a damper on all things. I have dabbled with future suicidal ideations, but have no desire to end my life currently. However, I sometimes wonder if I in five years or so I may not breakdown and give up when I know it's absolutely too late, in another ten years, when I'm too old for a true relationship with intimacy, and past the point I can have my own kids. Of course, I'm told not to have kids due to my anxiety disorder, which means in the end, nothing I can do will give me a successful life- when I die, alone, no one will be at my funeral, my wishes won't be met, and no one will ever know I lived. I will have made no impact on society, and that saps me to my very core.

    So... any offered insight? As long as you're civil, I will appreciate the response, even if I disagree. Again mind the fact I apply my standard for successful life only to myself. Others can decide how they feel they succeed at life, with or without kids. For me, unless I was a famous author, musician or actor, it won't work... but I'd love to know how to feel better about it.

    Thanks for reading, and hope you yourself are well. :encouragement:

    (Pardon me if there are chopped up sentences in the post, my silly laptop keeps jumping the cursor everywhere, inserting my typing into other areas. I need a new laptop, but might as well wish for a unicorn!)
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well first, finally I know I'm not alone. My 'puter keeps doing the same thing...but buying a new one with only hopes and a prayer, well, safe to say I'm not getting a new one anytime soon.

    You have many problems that are similar to mine and where I find myself right now. With the exception of the facts that I am a female and almost 50 years old I can relate to some of your problems. But to be honest, there are a few that if you worked at, I think you could get past them. And yes, I am a hypocrite. Do as I say not as I do. I know all the things to say, but for the life of me (and I mean that literally) I can't practice what I preach. So...

    I suffer from extreme social anxiety, panic attacks, am bipolar and by the professionals, categorized as a chronic suicidal personality. I have had and am suffering from several physical ailments. Sure, I take more than a handful of different meds each morning and evening, have seen the pdocs, therapists etc to keep drudging along day after day. Years of trying to learn all the coping techniques. Yet I find myself no better.

    I haven't been able to hold a job for well over 10 years now and during that time had to raise 3 children as a single mom. I have had more attempts at taking my live than I can honestly remember, with the one that finally saw me losing guardianship of my youngest to CFS.

    Guess what I'm trying to say is that I do and can relate with your issues quite well.

    First, in my opinion, work on changing your "maestro" personality. Your ability to hold a job or have a career does not define who you are. I know, in your eyes and mind it does. But to most of the rest of the world, it doesn't matter. While you are working on that, try to get on disability. Mental health issues are now recognized as a disability. Try to get on social assistance. Finding a way to get even a little income can go so far in helping your self esteem. Which I'd say you are also in short supply of. Have you checked into job situations where you can work off hours? Like cleaning offices in the evening. Stocking shelves in a store after it is closed. I know, not really a job to brag about, but still a job. It can help to build your self esteem and confidence in yourself and side step the issue of social anxiety.

    Like you, I am well aware that my opinions of myself are what I have created and believe to be true. And quite frankly I don't give a d*mn if others want to believe them or not. They are mine and they have become a real and huge part of what I am. But not who I am.

    When you die, you will affect others. We all seem to wear blinders when we are depressed and or overwhelmed. But those people are there. The ones that will be saddened by the loss. You're here, at the site. Who's to say that a post you make or a helpful word you pass along to another member, won't one day, make you appreciated and a success to others here.

    Getting a woman pregnant for the purpose of carrying on your linage, is over me. So your name carries on after you die. But if you can't be a parent to that child, then when you die, so still does your name. Okay, not even close to the same thing but, maybe think about being a "big brother" to a child who really needs some adult guidance in their life. You don't need money or some fancy job to impress that kid. Just quality time. Playing some video games at home in your parents basement. Taking him along to the Starbucks with you. You'd leave an impact on that child. Maybe even help yourself a little with the social anxieties issues.

    The overweight issue and working towards losing it...sorry, no money...poor excuse. You don't need anything fancy or extra to take a nice brisk walk each day. Maybe become a dog walker, make a little money with once again, not having to deal with other people (no, I'm not joking). Sit ups and push ups at money needed. If you think you need all the fancy things that you mentioned...that is the maestro personality speaking. Shut him up everyday for about an hour while you are doing these things for YOU not him or anyone else. Again, exercising and seeing results is a great self esteem and confidence builder.

    All righty...just went back and read what has now somehow turned into a mumble of my thoughts and suggestions that are really not making much sense to anyone but me. Just wanted to let you know that you're not as alone as you think you are. People here share a lot of the same problems and issues that you have. And the members are here to help with what they can offer. Read through some of the other threads and forums. Get familiar and comfortable being here and take life one post at a time.
  3. Druidblue

    Druidblue Member

    Thanks much for your excellent response. I will take your suggestions into consideration for certain.

    As an aside, I should mention I've applied twice for disability. It took 7 years to go through the process the first time... it's taken 5? this time. My next appeal hearing is in one month, but I don't believe I will be approved. They hew too close to the legal definition of disabled, and don't care if the work isn't enough to sustain yourself or if it's even in your area. (Like I could even possibly move across the country.)

    The first hearing they told me I could be a lumberjack. Not kidding. I can't work outdoors, do physical labor, or use power tools... but they found lumberjacking a valid choice. Also... no lumberjacks in my city. >_>

    Anyways, thanks again! Great response, and appreciated.
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