Father's Day

I'm the third of my siblings, 2 older brothers and 1 younger sister. We each have different fathers, but that never bothers us. Except, around this time of the year it bothers me a lot, I never tell them, but I get jealous. Just this year I wanted to know who my father was and if I could meet or at least find out more about him. I'm 20 now, so I figured I could handle any truth now.
All of my siblings have met their fathers (we were all raised by the same mother), and they have each made their own opinions about their fathers. I have always wanted to meet my father, especially since I've only heard great things about him. However, through my research, I've found out that it's impossible for me to meet my father. He had died 6 years ago. So my little happy ending will never come true.
The reminder of "Father's Day", usually just gets brushed off for me, but now knowing I can never even experience it just once, hurts a lot more than usual. So now that "jealousy" I feel towards my siblings is mixed with envy and longing to be in their place and hatred because I usually hear about how they hate their fathers. I understand if their dads do a horrible job at being a parent, but I want just that one opprotunity to be able to say I "could" spend the day with my dad if I just reached out more than usual.
Also hearing that my brother wants to break up with his girlfriend, that he has a 2 year old daughter with, just because things aren't going the way he wants it to. It just pisses me off that he's only thinking of how inconvenient the relationship is for him, and not of how it will affect their daughter in the future. I love how she has something I'll never have, both parents living under the same roof and a very supportive family. I don't get how 2 people can create a child together and when things get tough, they split up instead of working things out. If they could get together in the first place to make a child, they should know that their actions from then on isn't only going to affect just them. It's not high school, where you can get together and break up whenever.
I get why my mom never stayed with any of our fathers, she was an addict for about 30 years and had each of us during that time period, plus there was a lot of racism and a black woman having children with light skin men was hard at that time. My father's parents were also really racist and he was a drunk so they pretty much controlled his life easily. I get that times were under different circumstances then. But in today's society there isn't much excuses that could work. I just hope everyone else enjoys their Father's Day and that I can find something to distract everything for me (that won't affect my health in a negative way)


Safety and Support
SF Artist
SF Supporter
Hey Panda, I'm sorry you never had a chance to meet your Dad. I miss my Dad too, especially today. I wish I had some words to comfort you......just know that I feel some of the pain you feel too. Hang in there my friend.

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