Feel like screaming

[Chipetele]

How much darkness and emotional discomfort can one person take? How can any person mentally survive living in an actual nightmare world for so long, deprived of any sense of normalcy unless you shut the world out, shut down emotionally, and just play games or watch youtube videos all alone to feel somewhat okay?

On top of EVERY FUCKING THING, while socially isolated, I found out in this ADDITIONAL FUCKING TRAUMA a few years ago that large sways of people think it's okay to CHEAT! That people have a right to cheat on their romantic partner if they hadn't agreed to be "exclusive"! And they go around telling people that they have a "right" to do this and that their victims don't have a right to be mad at them because they didn't say they COULDN'T. You have no idea how that felt. You have no idea of the actual physical sensation in my stomach as I learned that, the indescribable, physical, painful burning sensation in my stomach as I read that, the shock and the hollow feeling.
And I thought this shit was maybe just an american phenomenon, I'd gotten indications that it might be, but in this ADDITIONAL TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE I found out it's a thing here, too. I DIDN'T NEED MORE TRAUMAS. You have no idea what a horrific, traumatizing experience that is, and it comes on top of so much suffering and isolation and loneliness.

To live in an actual nightmare for so long, where other people aren't people. They aren't recognizable as people. They are nightmare creatures. And my soul is screaming out for belonging, love, friendship, safety, trust, but it doesn't exist in this world. It's an unreal, dark and horrible nightmare.

I'm so uncomfortable with my age. I've been trying to feel better about it lately, but tonight, for the past 20 minutes or so, I just want it OFF ME. 32 is not my age, and 2023 isn't my year. And the reason I feel like this, and the reason parts of me don't feel ready to be an adult, is there were SO MANY dark years when I wasn't safe, when I didn't get to be young, when I had to shut the world out because it's not the world, it's a horror movie, it's a nightmare, it's a dystopian satire. The only way I felt safe is if I played videogames by myself, or watched videos or movies. And I was never happy when I did that.

I was starting to feel better the last couple of days but tonight I just want to scream. So consider this post my scream. I wonder if energy drinks have something to do with it, some days when I drink those, traumas tend to come back harder and I get more agitated and feel more trapped. I'll stop drinking those again. But my age is horrific, and I see no way of living in a world where cheating is now accepted and encouraged, where it's now considered okay to do horrible things to people if they "didn't say you couldn't". There's no way of living in such a nightmare world. There's no love, there's no safety, there's no trust, there's no beauty, there's no light, there's no seeing other people as human beings like me and being able to relate to them and feel like I belong.

Please do not add to my traumas. Don't make me feel worse. If you support this stuff, just don't reply to this thread.

 

[Greyghost]

Hi @Chipetele
It is never acceptable in any society, to treat people in the way you have described, nor to do things to them against their will, and my heart goes out to you reading that you are in so much mental pain because of this.

The energy drinks may be exacerbating the agitated feelings you are experiencing, so perhaps if you stopped them for a few days and see if it makes any difference to how you feel.

There are good people out there, and love and safety; but that won't mean anything to you if it hasn't been your experience. It can take a long time to build trust with people, especially when you have been betrayed before.

It sounds as though you are very isolated, as you mention playing games or watching videos on your own, in order to shut the world out. Sometimes although being on our own and not interacting with others can feel safer, it isn't really doing us any good. We lose the ability to be able to communicate effectively, to get used to being comfortable around people. It becomes a viscious circle. The less you go out, the less you want to go out. I get that.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do; but remember that you do have choices, about how you move forward in order to start to feel better.

Take care.
Greyghost

 

[Paul1963]

How much darkness and emotional discomfort can one person take? How can any person mentally survive living in an actual nightmare world for so long, deprived of any sense of normalcy unless you shut the world out, shut down emotionally, and just play games or watch youtube videos all alone to feel somewhat okay?

On top of EVERY FUCKING THING, while socially isolated, I found out in this ADDITIONAL FUCKING TRAUMA a few years ago that large sways of people think it's okay to CHEAT! That people have a right to cheat on their romantic partner if they hadn't agreed to be "exclusive"! And they go around telling people that they have a "right" to do this and that their victims don't have a right to be mad at them because they didn't say they COULDN'T. You have no idea how that felt. You have no idea of the actual physical sensation in my stomach as I learned that, the indescribable, physical, painful burning sensation in my stomach as I read that, the shock and the hollow feeling.
And I thought this shit was maybe just an american phenomenon, I'd gotten indications that it might be, but in this ADDITIONAL TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE I found out it's a thing here, too. I DIDN'T NEED MORE TRAUMAS. You have no idea what a horrific, traumatizing experience that is, and it comes on top of so much suffering and isolation and loneliness.

To live in an actual nightmare for so long, where other people aren't people. They aren't recognizable as people. They are nightmare creatures. And my soul is screaming out for belonging, love, friendship, safety, trust, but it doesn't exist in this world. It's an unreal, dark and horrible nightmare.

I'm so uncomfortable with my age. I've been trying to feel better about it lately, but tonight, for the past 20 minutes or so, I just want it OFF ME. 32 is not my age, and 2023 isn't my year. And the reason I feel like this, and the reason parts of me don't feel ready to be an adult, is there were SO MANY dark years when I wasn't safe, when I didn't get to be young, when I had to shut the world out because it's not the world, it's a horror movie, it's a nightmare, it's a dystopian satire. The only way I felt safe is if I played videogames by myself, or watched videos or movies. And I was never happy when I did that.

I was starting to feel better the last couple of days but tonight I just want to scream. So consider this post my scream. I wonder if energy drinks have something to do with it, some days when I drink those, traumas tend to come back harder and I get more agitated and feel more trapped. I'll stop drinking those again. But my age is horrific, and I see no way of living in a world where cheating is now accepted and encouraged, where it's now considered okay to do horrible things to people if they "didn't say you couldn't". There's no way of living in such a nightmare world. There's no love, there's no safety, there's no trust, there's no beauty, there's no light, there's no seeing other people as human beings like me and being able to relate to them and feel like I belong.

Please do not add to my traumas. Don't make me feel worse. If you support this stuff, just don't reply to this thread.

How much darkness and emotional discomfort can one person take? How can any person mentally survive living in an actual nightmare world for so long, deprived of any sense of normalcy unless you shut the world out, shut down emotionally, and just play games or watch youtube videos all alone to feel somewhat okay?

On top of EVERY FUCKING THING, while socially isolated, I found out in this ADDITIONAL FUCKING TRAUMA a few years ago that large sways of people think it's okay to CHEAT! That people have a right to cheat on their romantic partner if they hadn't agreed to be "exclusive"! And they go around telling people that they have a "right" to do this and that their victims don't have a right to be mad at them because they didn't say they COULDN'T. You have no idea how that felt. You have no idea of the actual physical sensation in my stomach as I learned that, the indescribable, physical, painful burning sensation in my stomach as I read that, the shock and the hollow feeling.
And I thought this shit was maybe just an american phenomenon, I'd gotten indications that it might be, but in this ADDITIONAL TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE I found out it's a thing here, too. I DIDN'T NEED MORE TRAUMAS. You have no idea what a horrific, traumatizing experience that is, and it comes on top of so much suffering and isolation and loneliness.

To live in an actual nightmare for so long, where other people aren't people. They aren't recognizable as people. They are nightmare creatures. And my soul is screaming out for belonging, love, friendship, safety, trust, but it doesn't exist in this world. It's an unreal, dark and horrible nightmare.

I'm so uncomfortable with my age. I've been trying to feel better about it lately, but tonight, for the past 20 minutes or so, I just want it OFF ME. 32 is not my age, and 2023 isn't my year. And the reason I feel like this, and the reason parts of me don't feel ready to be an adult, is there were SO MANY dark years when I wasn't safe, when I didn't get to be young, when I had to shut the world out because it's not the world, it's a horror movie, it's a nightmare, it's a dystopian satire. The only way I felt safe is if I played videogames by myself, or watched videos or movies. And I was never happy when I did that.

I was starting to feel better the last couple of days but tonight I just want to scream. So consider this post my scream. I wonder if energy drinks have something to do with it, some days when I drink those, traumas tend to come back harder and I get more agitated and feel more trapped. I'll stop drinking those again. But my age is horrific, and I see no way of living in a world where cheating is now accepted and encouraged, where it's now considered okay to do horrible things to people if they "didn't say you couldn't". There's no way of living in such a nightmare world. There's no love, there's no safety, there's no trust, there's no beauty, there's no light, there's no seeing other people as human beings like me and being able to relate to them and feel like I belong.

Please do not add to my traumas. Don't make me feel worse. If you support this stuff, just don't reply to this thread.

So sorry you are suffering. It's obvious that you are in a great deal of emotional pain. I can relate to everything you are saying because your experiences mirror a lot of the same things I have been through, or are currently going through myself. It really is a nightmare to say the least. Those energy drinks and things like coffee just make anxiety etc worse by making you hyper, and affecting your sleep quality. I used to spend up to 15 hours a day gaming etc but had to quit when I became homeless. As far as people are concerned I think that the vast majority of people are selfish and untrustworthy, but there are definitely some good people left in the world. The problem though is finding these people, because they are something of a rare commodity these days. I sincerely hope that life improves for you soon. I don't know what else to say. 🤗

 

[AvidFan]

I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much @Chipetele . I can't add much useful beyond what others have said, just to say there is light, you just have to look very hard for it. I have been let down a lot by people over the years but have survived it somehow and still try to see the good around me. I hope you can find a way forward through the darkness. Sending you love.

 

[nicktheundoer]

How much darkness and emotional discomfort can one person take? How can any person mentally survive living in an actual nightmare world for so long, deprived of any sense of normalcy unless you shut the world out, shut down emotionally, and just play games or watch youtube videos all alone to feel somewhat okay?

On top of EVERY FUCKING THING, while socially isolated, I found out in this ADDITIONAL FUCKING TRAUMA a few years ago that large sways of people think it's okay to CHEAT! That people have a right to cheat on their romantic partner if they hadn't agreed to be "exclusive"! And they go around telling people that they have a "right" to do this and that their victims don't have a right to be mad at them because they didn't say they COULDN'T. You have no idea how that felt. You have no idea of the actual physical sensation in my stomach as I learned that, the indescribable, physical, painful burning sensation in my stomach as I read that, the shock and the hollow feeling.
And I thought this shit was maybe just an american phenomenon, I'd gotten indications that it might be, but in this ADDITIONAL TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE I found out it's a thing here, too. I DIDN'T NEED MORE TRAUMAS. You have no idea what a horrific, traumatizing experience that is, and it comes on top of so much suffering and isolation and loneliness.

To live in an actual nightmare for so long, where other people aren't people. They aren't recognizable as people. They are nightmare creatures. And my soul is screaming out for belonging, love, friendship, safety, trust, but it doesn't exist in this world. It's an unreal, dark and horrible nightmare.

I'm so uncomfortable with my age. I've been trying to feel better about it lately, but tonight, for the past 20 minutes or so, I just want it OFF ME. 32 is not my age, and 2023 isn't my year. And the reason I feel like this, and the reason parts of me don't feel ready to be an adult, is there were SO MANY dark years when I wasn't safe, when I didn't get to be young, when I had to shut the world out because it's not the world, it's a horror movie, it's a nightmare, it's a dystopian satire. The only way I felt safe is if I played videogames by myself, or watched videos or movies. And I was never happy when I did that.

I was starting to feel better the last couple of days but tonight I just want to scream. So consider this post my scream. I wonder if energy drinks have something to do with it, some days when I drink those, traumas tend to come back harder and I get more agitated and feel more trapped. I'll stop drinking those again. But my age is horrific, and I see no way of living in a world where cheating is now accepted and encouraged, where it's now considered okay to do horrible things to people if they "didn't say you couldn't". There's no way of living in such a nightmare world. There's no love, there's no safety, there's no trust, there's no beauty, there's no light, there's no seeing other people as human beings like me and being able to relate to them and feel like I belong.

Please do not add to my traumas. Don't make me feel worse. If you support this stuff, just don't reply to this thread.

I'm so sorry..I don't know how it feels to be cheated..but I'm sorry for the suffering you're going through rn..I hope things pass very soon..and you find some hope..hugssssssssssss

 

[Chipetele]

t is never acceptable in any society, to treat people in the way you have described, nor to do things to them against their will

I agree it's never acceptable, and it's good to hear someone else say it. The problem is that so many people, and it looks like it's a majority (at least among people my age and younger) like it is with so many things that make it hard to keep living in this world, THINK it's acceptable and go around telling people they have a right to do these things to other people, without their knowledge or consent.
I was shocked when I opened the Jodel app and saw people in my own country supporting and encouraging this as if it was a given (after having put my mind to rest by telling myself it was probably *just* an american trend), and when I freaked out and replied with shock and horror no one supported me, and everyone took turns saying that of course you have a right to cheat "if you haven't discussed 'exclusivity'.
And all those american websites where people encourage it. Where people ask if they have a right to do it, and so many people reply with yes, you have a right to do it, and your partner/victim doesn't have a right to get mad, and they don't have to consent. And the one person who replies that NO, of course you don't have a right to do that, of course it's not okay...gets their post collapsed due to the amount of downvotes.
I want to know that I was just very unlucky every time it appeared a majority of people supported this, but after all these years I have no reason to expect anything other than the worst from other people, and I don't want to live in this nightmare world anymore

 

[BarryW]

There are many lifestyles I have observed in others which, despite my best attempts at times, I cannot wrap my mind around. I am unable to force my brain to think the way they must in order to make their behavior rational or necessary. I feel my brain twisting and turning but it can't reach the place where they live. Many facets of "relationships" fall into this category for me. You are not the only one who is so boggled that you find your last bastion of sanity is a temporary escape which is often unsatisfying but you are desperate to hide from the world so you have to keep doing something.

It also upsets me when, like you, I see someone who is behaving reasonably get shutdown by the masses who are busy trolling, demanding ridiculous things, etc.

I think that humans are good are finding ways to rationalize anything that they want.. whether or not it is actually good or makes any sense. So yeah, I also expect to see a lot of self-serving behavior and leaps of logic when I do peek out from my hidey hole to check.

 

[Chipetele]

You are not the only one who is so boggled that you find your last bastion of sanity is a temporary escape which is often unsatisfying but you are desperate to hide from the world so you have to keep doing something.

It also upsets me when, like you, I see someone who is behaving reasonably get shutdown by the masses who are busy trolling

You described it better than I've been able to, thank you

 

[may71]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad.

large sways of people think it's okay to CHEAT! That people have a right to cheat on their romantic partner if they hadn't agreed to be "exclusive"!

There might be a segment of people, mostly young people that may not see cheating as something serious. I think mostly though the notion that cheating is ok unless you specify that you don't want to be cheated on is mostly a way for someone who cheats to gaslight their victim. I think for the most part people actually know that doing this is wrong.

no one supported me, and everyone took turns saying that of course you have a right to cheat "if you haven't discussed 'exclusivity'.

Online communities are often concentrations of certain types of views, so I'm not sure this view is as common as it seems.

To live in an actual nightmare for so long, where other people aren't people. They aren't recognizable as people. They are nightmare creatures.

That sounds so awful, I'm sorry it's like that.

I was starting to feel better the last couple of days but tonight I just want to scream. So consider this post my scream. I wonder if energy drinks have something to do with it, some days when I drink those, traumas tend to come back harder and I get more agitated and feel more trapped.

They might. I remember there used to be an ad for decaf coffee where someone said, "My doctor says caffeine makes me tense", so I think that's a known side effect.

And my soul is screaming out for belonging, love, friendship, safety, trust, but it doesn't exist in this world.

I feel the absence of those things in the world too. I think SF is kind of an exception though, it has a lot of the good things that are absent elsewhere.

Sending safe hugs

 

[Chipetele]

I appreciate the replies. I do however notice that none of those who say that this stuff isn't okay is in their 20s or 30s. It's that age group I need assurances from, but I guess there's a reason why they've been quiet.

 

[BarryW]

I personally know folks in that age group who share your concerns/perspective. They may not be SF members or may not see your thread, but I guarantee you that you are not alone. Keep in mind also, some folks hide their age or use a fake birthday on this site to help stay anonymous. There may be more or fewer people in your age group than it appears.
Sending positive waves your direction

 

[may71]

I do however notice that none of those who say that this stuff isn't okay is in their 20s or 30s. It's that age group I need assurances from

The feedback that you're getting from certain sites isn't necessarily going to give you an accurate picture of how people are. Sites tend to be echo chambers because they attract people with a certain point of view, and then that often gets reinforced because few people are willing to fight against the majority. I'm sure if you went on a Christian dating site for example, you wouldn't encounter so many people agreeing that it's ok to cheat.

 

[Chipetele]

bump