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feeling hopeless

DouglasW

SF Supporter
#1
I had a rough childhood. Parents split when I was a baby, I had no siblings and did not grow up near extended family, all of whom are gone now anyway.

I struggled over years with relationships falling apart, collapses where I could not work, mental health struggles. Hospitalizations for severe depression.

When the Boston bombings impacted me in 2013, costing me my job and career, I really fell apart. My wife left me. My dad had died with dementia in 2011, and my mom soon got dementia then died in 2016, leaving me with no family at all. I felt so much abandonment on top of childhood abandonment wounds.

Because I had moved around so much growing up, the only "roots" I had at this point were co-workers and friends from my adult years, all of whom evaporated as I was facing such loss and trauma. More abandonment, more traumatic abandonment wounds.

I got diagnosed finally through all that as having CPTSD from childhood, which finally shed some light on all the years of instability and failed relationships, but unfortunately I've been trying in vain to rebuild any sort of support network since, and I just cannot seem to meet stable people and whoever I do meet I think gives up on me because I'm so unresourced, not working, no family.

My relationship this last year was giving me so much hope, of a future, of loved ones. Then she dumped me suddenly and cruelly a month ago and I found myself standing completely alone. I'd lost all the friends I'd made in the previous year. I can't form ties, I can't form supports, and I'm so crippled by depression now that I can't handle self-care. 'm terrified about my future, feels like I will be forever alone, forever trying to just barely scrape by with dealing with things like car insurance and dentist and cleaning my apartment, all alone.

I'm reaching out wishing for anyone who has dealt with the isolation of complex trauma, specifically relationship traumas, to offer me some hope. Any other empathy is also welcome. Thank you for reading.
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#2
It sounds like you've suffered much in your life, Douglas. There's a lot of pain and sadness in what you wrote there & you sound very isolated. How are you managing to get through your days at present? Are you living somewhere decent?
 

DouglasW

SF Supporter
#3
I have an apartment that is decent. I can drive 20 min into town and walk around with people, play guitar. Yes, I've had so much trauma in my life and feel so isolated. It's so hard.
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#4
I have an apartment that is decent. I can drive 20 min into town and walk around with people, play guitar. Yes, I've had so much trauma in my life and feel so isolated. It's so hard.
It does indeed sound very hard. Are there any support groups around you? Being able to talk with others who've had similar experiences may help you feel a little less isolated. Is any sort of one-to-one therapy an option for you at the moment?
 

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