Feeling lost and empty

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Justzaph, Aug 2, 2013.

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  1. Justzaph

    Justzaph Member

    Its been 3 years since ive seen a doctor.. Im type II bi polar, its mostly minor depression with social or generalized anxiety..
    The last 3 years i have watched myself in a downward spiral.. I got off my meds 3 years ago mainly because I had no car, and i was living with a friend and no way to get there.. On top of it.. Im just tired of being fucked with my doctors.. Always changing my meds when a new doc rotates in.. even though what im taking worked really well..

    Fast forward to today.. back in February i thought i would reboot my life and move cross country to start over.. Hoping that the reboot would reboot my mind.. for a month or so i felt ok.. but i was full tilt manic for like 2 months.. Scared out of my mind. I havent talked about my feelings in such a long time due to the fact that it just never felt like it mattered.. Ive been in therapy and seeing doctors all my life, and im in my mid 30s now..

    Im extremely awkward around people.. due to the fact that im always feeling awkward about myself.. and people pick up on that.. Im either over talking and going on and on and on.. with out shutting up.. People feel very uncomfortable with me thus i have absolutely no friends here and after like 7 months out here I just seem to make matters worse.. Its so hard for me to do even the basic of things, and the people i do know really keep me at a distance because im always a mess.. So i developed a phobia of people.. knowing what and how i act.. i just avoid people completely..

    Im literally locked myself inside the hole in the wall to where i live.. my only contact are people i know online.. And i keep them at arms length.. I have developed SEVERE intimacy issues and im just afraid to get close to people or even trust them.

    in February i attempted suicide.. by drinking and taking pills..(in my stupor i texted a friend and she called 911) i really wish she didnt.. and she now thinks im a freak.. She used to be my best friend and the reason i came out here. I came here in February this year and i was on full fast forward trying to make up for lost time.. and i was well accepted at first by the people i met.. but im just so moody and unstable that people are very uncomfortable around me..

    I just hate myself.. i have the occasional day where i feel kind of normal.. but mainly I just hate myself.. im always on the verge of suicide... what keeps me together i dont know.. I just dont have the energy to go out and find a doctor.. start ALL over again..

    Now i know what i HAVE to do.. but the journey is a mother fucker....
    Im just lost.. sad.. and COMPLETELY numb.. void of any feeling.. I feel myself falling deeper and deeper.. worse and worse..
    I spent some time in the mental hospital here where i live.. and it did absolutely nothing.. this state is broke and even with medicaid.. they didnt do anything for me.. and let me go after a 7 day hold. I feel completely useless and stupid.. and im tired of even talking about it..
    this is my first time reaching out in a long long time.. I have nothing.. and i feel like nothing
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu are someone hun i am sorry you feel like nothing You need those meds hun you said you were on ones that worked the tell the gp or emerg doc what worked for you in the past and get back on them ok You just need help hun thats all tell the emerg doc that you need to get back on the meds that worked for you before

    YOu keep talking to us ok you keep reaching out here we hear you and we do understand the feeling of being lost hugs
  3. Justzaph

    Justzaph Member

    Yeah.. im all kinda of crap arent i..lol
    I just dont know how to handle it.. really.. I tend to over explain things..
    but all in all in a fucking mess and i usually ignore what bothers me, but it eats away..

    im having a somewhat decent day.. so rereading that it makes me feel really crazy...
    Im just easily overwhelmed.. and i LET EVERYTHING bother me.. and i burn out..
    I tend to overwhelm people and it ends up turning against me.. I was actually very suicidal at that time..
    I just have to many responsibilities that i have to maintain.. if i go to the hospital.. then im letting alot of people down..
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