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Feeling so sad, unbearably alone.

U

UrbanRose

Well-Known Member
#1
#1
My boyfriend died 3 years ago. We had been a couple for 36 years. A few weeks after he died, I became suicidal and got admitted to a psych facility. It helped me. They let me out in a week. After a few months, I improved a lot. I was doing fairly ok, despite being very alone in the world. Lately I'm not doing too good.

I'm breaking down now. I recently traveled a long way to visit family. The trip was kind of a flop. I kind of wish I never went. I was with family and we'ld all been drinking and I got irritated with someone. Then someone else got irritated with me. Then someone had a major emotional meltdown. I was glad to get back to where I live.

That was my first opportunity to be with family, since my boyfriend died. I kinda thought this visit was going to be about family showing me some care and support. I believe they intended that, but things went a bit sideways. I'm back a few weeks now. At times, I'm feeling awful down. I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up. Twice, recently, I've dreamt of my boyfriend.

I feel really alone. Actually, I am alone almost all the time. I'm retired.

I tell myself this sorrowfulness will pass. This is not really about grief. I got past the worst of the acute grief already. This is about too much aloneness. I keep having episodes of feeling bad. I'm in the middle of one now. Any kind word would be a help.
 
U

UrbanRose

Well-Known Member
#2
#2
I not doing good at all. I was thinking of a thoughtful gift my boyfriend bought for me. One of the last things he got for me before he was not well enough to shop. He already had some dementia, but he put so much thought into picking this item out . . . a small thing . . . but it was a nice idea he had. He liked to please me with this kind of thoughtful act. Remembering that now is making me feel anew how much I've lost by losing him. I can see him in the store, sitting in a scooter because he couldn't walk anymore, and he was picking out this item he thought would be nice for me. And I want to die, rather than be here alone. I can't get him back, and right now I miss him too much to want my life anymore.

In the three years after he died, I don't think I dreamt of him. I grieved losing him, but I recovered to a healthy acceptance. Just in the past 2 weeks, I've dreamt of him twice. Now I'm feeling how I felt back 3 years ago, when I didn't want to live.

After he died, my distant family were concerned about me and called a lot and were very caring. It meant the world to me. I couldn't spend time with them because of COVID. Then I got sick and was hospitalized with a serious physical illness and took a while to recover. Finally I traveled to have a visit. It didn't go so well. That leaves me with a great sense of loss. They haven't called me since I've gotten back home. From one of them, I've gotten some texts. It feels like I've lost everyone that mattered to me.
 
nicktheundoer

nicktheundoer

Love love love
#3
#3
UrbanRose said:
I not doing good at all. I was thinking of a thoughtful gift my boyfriend bought for me. One of the last things he got for me before he was not well enough to shop. He already had some dementia, but he put so much thought into picking this item out . . . a small thing . . . but it was a nice idea he had. He liked to please me with this kind of thoughtful act. Remembering that now is making me feel anew how much I've lost by losing him. I can see him in the store, sitting in a scooter because he couldn't walk anymore, and he was picking out this item he thought would be nice for me. And I want to die, rather than be here alone. I can't get him back, and right now I miss him too much to want my life anymore.

In the three years after he died, I don't think I dreamt of him. I grieved losing him, but I recovered to a healthy acceptance. Just in the past 2 weeks, I've dreamt of him twice. Now I'm feeling how I felt back 3 years ago, when I didn't want to live.

After he died, my distant family were concerned about me and called a lot and were very caring. It meant the world to me. I couldn't spend time with them because of COVID. Then I got sick and was hospitalized with a serious physical illness and took a while to recover. Finally I traveled to have a visit. It didn't go so well. That leaves me with a great sense of loss. They haven't called me since I've gotten back home. From one of them, I've gotten some texts. It feels like I've lost everyone that mattered to me.
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I'm so sorry for your pain..I'm so sorry..hugs....*sadhugI wish you healing and Joy..may your significant other presence be with you..He is always with you..in your heart..I hope you love him and embrace him and be at peace with him not being with you....BIG HUGS from me..
 
U

UrbanRose

Well-Known Member
#4
#4
Usually, I've been happy remembering him. Most evenings, when it gets dark, I light a scented candle next to a picture of him. The first year I couldn't bear ti do that. After the first year, I could look at photos of him without crying. I put pictures of him here and there. It got to where I felt glad to look at pictures of him, especially ones where he looks so happy.

I feel like telling my family that I'm not okay, but I don't want to beg for compassion. Some of them don't bother with me much anymore. I was devastated at Christmas time when one sister never called. I got over that. But my visit to be around them didn't go too well. I'm devastated again.

From being depressed, my apartment became a mess. That makes me feel worse. If I could get it cleaned up, I would start to feel better. Maybe I will do better tomorrow. That's what I said last night.
 
Lady Wolfshead

Lady Wolfshead

wishes you well
#5
#5
I'm very sorry you are feeling lonely and lost your bf. Do you ever speak to him in your mind? Or think what he would advise you to do?

I think when we lose someone very dear, whom we know well, we carry a kind of representation of that person with us in our mind. We actually do know what the person would say to us.

I'm sad that things didn't go well with your family. Could you try to mend fences? Let them know you need them? Everyone has disagreements but it shouldn't need to result in long-term estrangement. And sometimes you have to ask for something in order to get it.

Sometimes I put on a timer for 10-15 minutes and just pick up/tidy in that time. It's amazing how much you can actually do in a short time, and sometimes I'll set that timer again or just keep cleaning for a while.

Take care and I hope tomorrow is better for you.
 
U

UrbanRose

Well-Known Member
#6
#6
Lady Wolfshead said:
I'm very sorry you are feeling lonely and lost your bf. Do you ever speak to him in your mind? Or think what he would advise you to do?

I think when we lose someone very dear, whom we know well, we carry a kind of representation of that person with us in our mind. We actually do know what the person would say to us.

I'm sad that things didn't go well with your family. Could you try to mend fences? Let them know you need them? Everyone has disagreements but it shouldn't need to result in long-term estrangement. And sometimes you have to ask for something in order to get it.

Sometimes I put on a timer for 10-15 minutes and just pick up/tidy in that time. It's amazing how much you can actually do in a short time, and sometimes I'll set that timer again or just keep cleaning for a while.

Take care and I hope tomorrow is better for you.
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Yes. I will do the timer approach tomorrow. It has helped me start stuff in the past.

I've done nice things for my sister who has ghosted me. I've done some very nice things. This should have been my turn. A niece yelled at me. A nephew totally ignored me. These are grown adults.

I guess it won't be longterm estrangement. Yeah, I guess I could try and sweet talk this sister into something. In January I flat out told her that I was having a tough time. I said, "Give me a call once in a while. Check up on me now and then. I've been having a hard time." 4 months went by, and not a word. So I fly 2000 miles. I wasted my savings on a miserable experience. When her husband was in a coma, I flew out to be there with her. She seemed so glad. When my nice was lonely, living on an army base, I flew out to her. Gave nice presents. This was supposed to be my turn. How some people can be so much better at taking than at giving . . . I just have to get over it. I'm alone and that's that.
 
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