Finding love again

[So so tired]

Hi
I have been told and do understand that we all grieve differently and there is not a timescale from loss to a sense of recovery or at least healing.
My husband passed 7 years ago this September.
I have been diagnosed with complicated grief reaction and depression ever since.
It's been a very tough time and I have often been asked the question about meeting a new love interest. This prospect is completely frightening and something that I have no interest in at all.
I can never imagine or even think it's possible to love someone in the same way. I miss everything about him, he was my best friend and soul mate.
I was invited to a meal with a friends family tonight. My friends mum lost her husband a long long time ago but she is now seeing a gentleman who also lost his wife but as recently as 1 year ago.
He had been with her for 60 years.
How can he move on so quickly?
I know that my husband would want me to move on and enjoy life but it's too hard.
What is wrong with me?
I think I will die having never loved or been loved again,
Maybe it's the price we pay - better to have been loved and lost rather than not loved at all.?
I often believe that the more you loved someone, the longer you grieve. In reality it's more likely that you do not allow yourself to reach any level of acceptance bc it feels so wrong and disrespectful - maybe falsely believing that if people see you still suffering it's highlights just how much you really did love them.
This is so counterproductive and stops us from moving forward and rebuilding a life.
I've not lost many people in my life and he was the the one person that I never wanted to leave, it's soul destroying and a heartache like no other.
Thanks for reading.

 

[KM76710]

Just take all the time and anything else you need to decide for your life and future. Your emotions belong to you, they are a part of you and you get to make the choices of how you feel and what you are going to do. I hope you find your bit of cheer, happiness and joy in life and love to come to you when you are ready for the next step. Wishing you all the best.

 

[Pearl12]

Nothing is wrong with you. You won't ever love someone in the same way, because every relationship is different. If you do love again—if you choose to love again—it will be different and unique. But you will probably never stop thinking of your husband, because he's a part of you. And that's okay. I don't know what country you're from, but if it's the USA, we do a shit job of grieving. I'd encourage you to find a ritual that feels right to you. Here we think there's a funeral and then you move on. I have always resonated more with other cultures, for instance, that celebrate day of the dead, because people might be gone, but they are still a part of us.

If I was married and that person passed, I would expect future partners to create space for me to continue to honor that relationship. Not so much it would take over the new relationship, but enough that I felt I could honor that part of me, that was still attached. Maybe on the anniversary of their death, I could go to their grave, and pay my respects, and share with them all that's happened in the past year. Different people find different things meaningful.

I would be surprised if your friend's mum's partner has truly moved on. Men typically aren't as aware of their emotions. But maybe it's okay to try and move on, even if you're not sure you can. I give him props for being honest about what happened and how long ago.

My advice is:
- have compassion for yourself and what you're going through
- find a way to honor him, and your relationship, and what you lost
- the rest will happen when it's ready

And, thank you for sharing.

 

[1Lefty]

Thank you for what you wrote,
I have similar feelings and questions

peace

 

[So so tired]

Nothing is wrong with you. You won't ever love someone in the same way, because every relationship is different. If you do love again—if you choose to love again—it will be different and unique. But you will probably never stop thinking of your husband, because he's a part of you. And that's okay. I don't know what country you're from, but if it's the USA, we do a shit job of grieving. I'd encourage you to find a ritual that feels right to you. Here we think there's a funeral and then you move on. I have always resonated more with other cultures, for instance, that celebrate day of the dead, because people might be gone, but they are still a part of us.

If I was married and that person passed, I would expect future partners to create space for me to continue to honor that relationship. Not so much it would take over the new relationship, but enough that I felt I could honor that part of me, that was still attached. Maybe on the anniversary of their death, I could go to their grave, and pay my respects, and share with them all that's happened in the past year. Different people find different things meaningful.

I would be surprised if your friend's mum's partner has truly moved on. Men typically aren't as aware of their emotions. But maybe it's okay to try and move on, even if you're not sure you can. I give him props for being honest about what happened and how long ago.

My advice is:
- have compassion for yourself and what you're going through
- find a way to honor him, and your relationship, and what you lost
- the rest will happen when it's ready

And, thank you for sharing.

Thankyou

 

[Sunspots]

My mum lost my stepfather in 1986 when she was just 48. He was the love of her life and they were incredibly happy together - I'm sure that if he hadn't died so young they would have remained so. She went on a couple of dates a few years later (mainly under pressure from well meaning friends) but nothing ever came of them.

When she turned 80 she became very close with an longstanding friend. He'd been widowed about 10 years before (his wife had been a good friend of mums too). Both being single and a bit lonely they were always together. Mum cooked for him often as he lived on microwave dinners having never learnt to cook. It eventually became romantic although I don't think it ever went further than a kiss and cuddle on the sofa. Both were very independent so I don't think they would have ever moved in together and he certainly never could have replaced my stepfather in her eyes. But they offered eachother companionship and that was enough for them both. When mum died last year, my stepfather's name was the last word on her lips 36 years later. But she did find happiness, it was just a different kind of happiness.

I hope that you can find some happiness, whether that be companionship or something more. Always remember that there are no right or wrongs or a correct timeframe. All you can do is take one day at a time and do what you feel comfortable with.

Sending hugs

 

[So so tired]

My mum lost my stepfather in 1986 when she was just 48. He was the love of her life and they were incredibly happy together - I'm sure that if he hadn't died so young they would have remained so. She went on a couple of dates a few years later (mainly under pressure from well meaning friends) but nothing ever came of them.

When she turned 80 she became very close with an longstanding friend. He'd been widowed about 10 years before (his wife had been a good friend of mums too). Both being single and a bit lonely they were always together. Mum cooked for him often as he lived on microwave dinners having never learnt to cook. It eventually became romantic although I don't think it ever went further than a kiss and cuddle on the sofa. Both were very independent so I don't think they would have ever moved in together and he certainly never could have replaced my stepfather in her eyes. But they offered eachother companionship and that was enough for them both. When mum died last year, my stepfather's name was the last word on her lips 36 years later. But she did find happiness, it was just a different kind of happiness.

I hope that you can find some happiness, whether that be companionship or something more. Always remember that there are no right or wrongs or a correct timeframe. All you can do is take one day at a time and do what you feel comfortable with.

Sending hugs

Thankyou @Sunspots
Thats a lovely and hopeful reply

 

[1Lefty]

My mum lost my stepfather in 1986 when she was just 48. He was the love of her life and they were incredibly happy together - I'm sure that if he hadn't died so young they would have remained so. She went on a couple of dates a few years later (mainly under pressure from well meaning friends) but nothing ever came of them.

When she turned 80 she became very close with an longstanding friend. He'd been widowed about 10 years before (his wife had been a good friend of mums too). Both being single and a bit lonely they were always together. Mum cooked for him often as he lived on microwave dinners having never learnt to cook. It eventually became romantic although I don't think it ever went further than a kiss and cuddle on the sofa. Both were very independent so I don't think they would have ever moved in together and he certainly never could have replaced my stepfather in her eyes. But they offered eachother companionship and that was enough for them both. When mum died last year, my stepfather's name was the last word on her lips 36 years later. But she did find happiness, it was just a different kind of happiness.

I hope that you can find some happiness, whether that be companionship or something more. Always remember that there are no right or wrongs or a correct timeframe. All you can do is take one day at a time and do what you feel comfortable with.

Sending hugs

beautiful, it gives me hope
thank you

Peace

 

[Sunspots]

beautiful, it gives me hope

Me too (although my husband hasn't passed away - he was just an idiot)

 

[Gonz]

I’m pretty much in the same boat as you. My wife passed just a couple months after your husband. I’ve also not been able to move on in the time frame most seem to expect, or find “appropriate,” and my therapist has also brought up complicated grief.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life by myself. Who would? But I choose to remain single because I know that being with someone who’s not her would hurt far more than just being alone.

I think there is a difference in how we respond based on the age of the person we lost and how we lost them. You had to endure that far too early in your life, compared to most. And, of course, no two relationships are the same. I’ve had my situation compared to a couple of family members who lost their partners. Such comparisons are cruel to start with, but especially so considering that the circumstances were very different.

Go easy on yourself. There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way to go through all this. There are no milestones you need to reach to prove that you’re “recovered” or have moved on. Seek out whatever you feel would bring you some sense of peace, because you deserve it, whether that comes in the form of a new romance, or just focusing on family and platonic friendships, or anything else at all.

 

[LumberJack]

I lost the love of my life to cancer at the very end of 2016. He was 41; I was 39 at the time. So it will be 7 years for me at the end of this year. We were together for 15 years, although the last 5 years were very long distance.

I have not been able to date since, despite having wanted to. I know my partner didn't want me to be alone, because we actually discussed this before he died. He was always concerned for me. I also worry that I will always be comparing anyone I get involved with to my past relationship and that would not be fair to the other person. I do plan to date, but I have no goal of making it into a serious relationship. I would like a serious relationship, but I also know that these cannot be willed into existence.

I think "moving on" is an unhealthy term. It seems to have a built in expectation that, after a certain amount of time, we are done grieving. When we lose someone that close, it changes us forever. We can move forward, by incorporating our love and our grief into a new perspective, but moving on to the point we no longer grieve is neither healthy nor realistic.

 

[KM76710]

I lost the love of my life to cancer at the very end of 2016. He was 41; I was 39 at the time. So it will be 7 years for me at the end of this year. We were together for 15 years, although the last 5 years were very long distance.

I have not been able to date since, despite having wanted to. I know my partner didn't want me to be alone, because we actually discussed this before he died. He was always concerned for me. I also worry that I will always be comparing anyone I get involved with to my past relationship and that would not be fair to the other person. I do plan to date, but I have no goal of making it into a serious relationship. I would like a serious relationship, but I also know that these cannot be willed into existence.

I think "moving on" is an unhealthy term. It seems to have a built in expectation that, after a certain amount of time, we are done grieving. When we lose someone that close, it changes us forever. We can move forward, by incorporating our love and our grief into a new perspective, but moving on to the point we no longer grieve is neither healthy nor realistic.

I agree with you about the term moving on. It would seem more to me as opening up again and being receptive when you feel the time is right for yourself and not based on what others think or seem to feel is right for anybody but themselves. Go with what you know and feel about and for yourself.

 

[Gonz]

I also worry that I will always be comparing anyone I get involved with to my past relationship and that would not be fair to the other person.

I feel the same way. I certainly wouldn’t want to be with someone who feels the way I do about someone else.

 

[So so tired]

I’m pretty much in the same boat as you. My wife passed just a couple months after your husband. I’ve also not been able to move on in the time frame most seem to expect, or find “appropriate,” and my therapist has also brought up complicated grief.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life by myself. Who would? But I choose to remain single because I know that being with someone who’s not her would hurt far more than just being alone.

I think there is a difference in how we respond based on the age of the person we lost and how we lost them. You had to endure that far too early in your life, compared to most. And, of course, no two relationships are the same. I’ve had my situation compared to a couple of family members who lost their partners. Such comparisons are cruel to start with, but especially so considering that the circumstances were very different.

Go easy on yourself. There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way to go through all this. There are no milestones you need to reach to prove that you’re “recovered” or have moved on. Seek out whatever you feel would bring you some sense of peace, because you deserve it, whether that comes in the form of a new romance, or just focusing on family and platonic friendships, or anything else at all.

Thankyou

 

[So so tired]

I lost the love of my life to cancer at the very end of 2016. He was 41; I was 39 at the time. So it will be 7 years for me at the end of this year. We were together for 15 years, although the last 5 years were very long distance.

I have not been able to date since, despite having wanted to. I know my partner didn't want me to be alone, because we actually discussed this before he died. He was always concerned for me. I also worry that I will always be comparing anyone I get involved with to my past relationship and that would not be fair to the other person. I do plan to date, but I have no goal of making it into a serious relationship. I would like a serious relationship, but I also know that these cannot be willed into existence.

I think "moving on" is an unhealthy term. It seems to have a built in expectation that, after a certain amount of time, we are done grieving. When we lose someone that close, it changes us forever. We can move forward, by incorporating our love and our grief into a new perspective, but moving on to the point we no longer grieve is neither healthy nor realistic.

Hugs to you Lumberjack