Hi, this is my first post and I thought I'd start here. I've felt shitty and hated myself ever since the end of primary school (grades kindergarten to 8). I'm 22 now, left a college program I was in because I just hated it and felt I wasn't intelligent enough to continue with it. My mom died shortly before I decided to drop out of it. She was sick for about a year before that. After that things just steadily declined. My dad tried to get me to go see someone about it but it just made me feel worse. I tried to go again a while later to see someone of my choice but I couldn't bring myself to talk about anything. The only way I talk about things and work things out is with myself. I have this stuffed animal that I've had literally since I was born that I've never let go. I sort of have an alternate personality I guess and I talk to it and it sort of makes me feel better when ever I am home and can lay in bed and talk about anything without worrying about getting made fun of of being judged. How I've been feeling lately is that I almost prefer to feel upset and hate myself. The thought of being happy just doesn't even seem possible anymore and I've stopped trying to achieve that. It's almost like I get comfort now in feeling sorry for myself and hating who I am. I know I don't want people to feel sorry for me, but it's almost as if it's an unintentional and uncontrollable need for me wanting other's sympathy.