First Post

[User X24345]

Hello, I’ve been lurking here for a week or so and decided to take the plunge. I’ve tried other online forums that are part of larger, general interest groups, but those never worked out. It seems other foum members who weren’t suffering, thought it was helpful to tell us what to do. You know, the “go for a walk “ or “buy yourself something“ solution!
I’ve been on anti-depressants for nearly 25 years (I’m 67) and probably depressed most of my life due to, as therapy has taught me, having alcoholic parents. I can distinctly remember the moment in the 6th grade when I realized my family wasn’t like others. I made a good life for myself and my son as a single mom. I was a successful career woman, a US military officer…at least I thought I did well.
I realized over 20 years ago that my son hates me. Eight years ago when my grandtwins were 15, he told them they were no longer allowed to see me. I went from picking them up from school everyday, weekend trips, summer trips…to nothing. I thought they’d come back when they turned 18, but they haven’t. There is a third grandchild I’ve never even met.
My life now is my dog and two cats. I have no family, no friends, and spend most of the day on the internet doing nothing. Therapy didn’t do any good, made things worse. Anti-depressants, well, you probably know how that goes. They work for awhile and then the dosage has to be increased and, eventually, the doctor can‘t increase it anymore and then what? That’s where I am now. What do I do now?
I hope that having people to talk to who won’t tell me to “take a walk,” who are in the same place, will help. Thank you for listening!

 

[Astrid78]

Hello and welcome! You'll find many caring people here who do understand what it's like.
What a terrible thing to go through with your kid and grandkids, hopefully one day you all will work it out.
Hugs @Pendergast

 

[Livelife]

Hello, I’ve been lurking here for a week or so and decided to take the plunge. I’ve tried other online forums that are part of larger, general interest groups, but those never worked out. It seems other foum members who weren’t suffering, thought it was helpful to tell us what to do. You know, the “go for a walk “ or “buy yourself something“ solution!
I’ve been on anti-depressants for nearly 25 years (I’m 67) and probably depressed most of my life due to, as therapy has taught me, having alcoholic parents. I can distinctly remember the moment in the 6th grade when I realized my family wasn’t like others. I made a good life for myself and my son as a single mom. I was a successful career woman, a US military officer…at least I thought I did well.
I realized over 20 years ago that my son hates me. Eight years ago when my grandtwins were 15, he told them they were no longer allowed to see me. I went from picking them up from school everyday, weekend trips, summer trips…to nothing. I thought they’d come back when they turned 18, but they haven’t. There is a third grandchild I’ve never even met.
My life now is my dog and two cats. I have no family, no friends, and spend most of the day on the internet doing nothing. Therapy didn’t do any good, made things worse. Anti-depressants, well, you probably know how that goes. They work for awhile and then the dosage has to be increased and, eventually, the doctor can‘t increase it anymore and then what? That’s where I am now. What do I do now?
I hope that having people to talk to who won’t tell me to “take a walk,” who are in the same place, will help. Thank you for listening!

Welcome here. Thank you for sharing. This is a supportive group and you may be able to find some here for yourself.
I'm sorry to hear of the lost connection with your grandchildren. I hope a window to them will reopen for you at some point if you are wanting that.
You have basically described my situation in the world now. I'm close to 67, I had a career in medicine for decades, I have no family left, never had children, I have my two dogs, haven't got a social life, and I lost my 2 close friends to illness a few years ago. I found this forum over 3 years ago and it's been a good thing. Take care.

 

[User X24345]

Welcome here. Thank you for sharing. This is a supportive group and you may be able to find some here for yourself.
I'm sorry to hear of the lost connection with your grandchildren. I hope a window to them will reopen for you at some point if you are wanting that.
You have basically described my situation in the world now. I'm close to 67, I had a career in medicine for decades, I have no family left, never had children, I have my two dogs, haven't got a social life, and I lost my 2 close friends to illness a few years ago. I found this forum over 3 years ago and it's been a good thing. Take care.

Thank you for replying. Do you ever find yourself asking, “What ever happened to that confident, accomplished person I used to be?”

 

[Livelife]

Thank you for replying. Do you ever find yourself asking, “What ever happened to that confident, accomplished person I used to be?”

You're welcome. and I have questioned this the last 4 or so years. I've changed and parts of my personality, my thinking and my self perception no longer resembles or reflects who and how I was much of my life. I can't tell if any is still possibly salvageable or truly no longer exists.

 

[User X24345]

You're welcome. and I have questioned this the last 4 or so years. I've changed and parts of my personality, my thinking and my self perception no longer resembles or reflects who and how I was much of my life. I can't tell if any is still possibly salvageable or truly no longer exists.

Thank you! One of the reasons I‘ve been searching for a group like this is having so many questions like this. The “am I the only one?” questions.

 

[Livelife]

Thank you! One of the reasons I‘ve been searching for a group like this is having so many questions like this. The “am I the only one?” questions.

Oh good. There's questions with that focus brought up here frequently. And I have found safety and support with whatever is on the mind and heart in the time I have been here and have heard that it has historically always been that way. It's the first group I landed in when I was looking for help. Sending a virtual hug.

 

[AvidFan]

Welcome to the forum special agent @Pendergast , sorry to hear of everything you've been through and I hope you can find the support you need here. I think we're all at different stages and places, but one thing we mostly have in common I think is having found this forum while in our lowest place so you will find people who understand.

 

[SamB]

That sounds like a very sad experience for you, did you ever receive an explanation of why?
I myself did not interact with my father for nearly 10 years after my parents divorced but we then did reconnect and repair our relationship, of course all situations are unique but I hope that their might still be a possibility for you to repair those relationships in the future.
I hope you will find the people here more sensitive to what you are going through, I have found it a great place to bare my soul without judgement and have always received support and kind words.

 

[seabird]

Welcome to SF @Pendergast . Sorry for the reasons which bring you here though. A friend of mine is in a somewhat similar situation, and she and I talk about what life, family, the role of mother, etc., what it all means (we muse on unanswerable questions, over coffee).
I hope being here opens some good thoughts and connections for you.

- s

 

[KM76710]

Thank you for replying. Do you ever find yourself asking, “What ever happened to that confident, accomplished person I used to be?”

I have that happen to myself at times over the years. Glad to see you will us because this is a welcoming and supportive forum and great members to get to know. I hope you keep posting and learning your way around here.

 

[Atreides]

Welcome to SF. I'm sorry you're suffering, but I'm glad you found us. There are some great people here who are ready to talk with empathy and no judgement. I hope you see your grandchildren soon. To answer your question, no you're not the only one. I hate that so many people are suffering, but I'm glad we have a place here to support each other.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

@Pendergast - the story about your son makes me angry. I had an extremely abusive mother with whom I'm still in touch, even though she never apologized and has barely admitted her behaviour. I really am opposed to cutting off family unless there's no other option. I just think it's pretty nasty to cut off the person who put a roof over your head and looked after you as a child, even if some of the experience was bad. She did her best.

Anyway, I wanted to ask if you have tried contacting the grandchildren. You have every right in my view. I would want to know my grandmother if I had one.

I can't add much more to everyone else's comments but wanted to share that.

 

[User X24345]

@Pendergast - the story about your son makes me angry. I had an extremely abusive mother with whom I'm still in touch, even though she never apologized and has barely admitted her behaviour. I really am opposed to cutting off family unless there's no other option. I just think it's pretty nasty to cut off the person who put a roof over your head and looked after you as a child, even if some of the experience was bad. She did her best.

Anyway, I wanted to ask if you have tried contacting the grandchildren. You have every right in my view. I would want to know my grandmother if I had one.

I can't add much more to everyone else's comments but wanted to share that.

Oh, boy, that’s a tough question and I’ll give you the honest answer that I only admit to myself - No, I haven’t because I’m afraid to have that door slammed in my face. As long as I don’t contact them and give them the chance to reject me, I still have a glimmer of hope. If that hope were gone, I would be too. They were 15 the last time I had contact with them. They’re now 23. I thought there was a solid relationship there and that they would come back when they turned 18. I guess I was wrong.

The thing that hurts the most, that I will never understand, is they have a close relationship with their mother’s mother. Their mother committed suicide when the twins were seven. She was 36 and suffered from depression due to being raped when she was 16 and being blamed for the rape by her own mother! Can you imagine?! My granddaughter knows this as a friend of her mother told her. Yet, I’m the one kicked out of their lives. If that’s the kind of people my son raised, maybe I’m better off.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

Oh, boy, that’s a tough question and I’ll give you the honest answer that I only admit to myself - No, I haven’t because I’m afraid to have that door slammed in my face. As long as I don’t contact them and give them the chance to reject me, I still have a glimmer of hope. If that hope were gone, I would be too. They were 15 the last time I had contact with them. They’re now 23. I thought there was a solid relationship there and that they would come back when they turned 18. I guess I was wrong.

The thing that hurts the most, that I will never understand, is they have a close relationship with their mother’s mother. Their mother committed suicide when the twins were seven. She was 36 and suffered from depression due to being raped when she was 16 and being blamed for the rape by her own mother! Can you imagine?! My granddaughter knows this as a friend of her mother told her. Yet, I’m the one kicked out of their lives. If that’s the kind of people my son raised, maybe I’m better off.

Hmmm. I wouldn't assume anything. I would give it a chance. But that's me. I hope you might be able to get the courage to contact them. I do understand it would hurt if they rejected you, although they don't really know you.