i really attempted for the first time about three weeks ago. But the knife didn't go deep enough and the pills only sent me to the hospital for two weeks. Coma, seizures, pneumonia, and they say im lucky not to have brain damage. But I am still here, part of me is very glad but part of me wishes it was not so. I feel lost and i feel my head spinning. I am lazy and incapable now. I can hardly clean myself. I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep. I want to cut but I can't because my girlfriend. All I want is to see the blood flow and gain something from it. I hate being human so much. I hate existing so much. I don't really want to leave but I can't say I have enjoyed much. Now all i want is to pop some x tabs and float into fantasy land. I am selfish and inconsiderate for my choices, I know, but how do I deal with this despair? It is not just angst, it is full blown despair. I do not know if I want to be in a relationship but my passive nature holds back the slightest voicing of my ambivalence. I like being alone sometimes even if it hurts. Now I just want friends but who could trust me after I prove my erratic nature with a suicide attempt half caused by drug abuse? Now I am more lost than ever. I am unsure about my future, unsure about my much too serious relationship, unsure about choices to be made. I just tell myself that I can get better and I can improve. This despair may help me grow. I have to tell myself that this is not how it will always be. But I am still here, I still tried to kill myself and I must face these truths.