First time forum user in need of help

[TKH]

I have never posted on a forum before and I would love some support or advice.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, and depression. I have suffered from suicidal thoughts, fantasies and actions since I was 6 or 7.
My biggest issue, which seems to always trigger a suicidal thought or fantasy, is my fear of failure. Currently, I have thrown myself into a world of depression because I decided to change careers and try to "better" my life. I have tried this before and panicked. The first attempt and change put me into a severe depression with several suicide attempts. The second attempt at a career change did the same but caused 7 years of PTSD like symptoms and social anxiety.
I have been seeing a therapist on and off for 13 years. My psychiatrist took me off meds because he couldn't find one that I could tolerate.
I have never truly wanted to kill myself but I have, on many occasions, truly wanted to die. As per my fears, I have been too scared over the last 10 years to even half heartedly attempt a suicide because of my intense fear and anxiety that I would fail. I am diligently private about personal life, specifically my mental health.
I am now just trying to get through this time in my life with some form of sanity. Please help.

 

[Petal]

Hi there and welcome to the forum. You have come to the correct place. I also have PTSD and GAD. I have tried to commit suicide and failed but damaged my body in the process. I regret trying to commit suicide now as I now have no depression. You can talk to us here as much as you like about yourself and what you are going through. I'm sorry you are suffering and having dark thoughts. Hopefully you will find this community SF a supportive one and even might make some friends

 

[TKH]

I have also damaged my body from 2 OD attempts in my late teens. Though I learned my lesson, I still have the thoughts and urges so it feels so much worse when I have to cope with these spells without the rituals I used as a child, teen and my early 20s. I have no one safe to talk to about it because I don't trust people, not even my Dr. or therapist. No one really even knows that I am like this.

 

[Petal]

People that suffer with depression can be very good actors in pretending everything's fine, they learn to do that 'cos they have probably been doing it from an early age.

I REALLY think you should talk to your doctor, in what way do you not trust him? The way it goes for most people is, you tell the doctor the truth and they will refer you to a psychiatrist, then they will give you treatment and get you a therapist too. I know what it's like to not trust them but in this case you must be honest to get better and well again.

A lot of people think they will be locked up for talking of depression/suicide, as far as I am aware this is untrue.Yes - they could do it if they think you are in imminent danger but if it's something you have been dealing with for a while it is very possible they will just refer you on or treat you themselves.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[TKH]

I tell them that I think about self harm and I tell them that I have fantasies about death but I tell them after the fact.

 

[TKH]

I guess I'm not sure how all this works but I sure don't feel any better.​

 

[True-Lee]

<p>&lt;p&gt;Hi&amp;nbsp; an Welcome TKH,&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp; I would like to say first of all of the people in here are no different then you, maybe different symptoms or&amp;nbsp; issues but we are all to some degree dealing with the things the same way you are.&amp;nbsp; I&amp;nbsp; would like to welcome you and say you are in a safe place, we don&#039;t have any schedule to keep to we are all volunteers and members some have been here a while some like you are brand new, If you have any issues or problems&amp;nbsp; you can ask for help or assistance. if you have some thing specific that&amp;nbsp; you would like to know or need help finding the answer someone here I am sure can help or find someone that can!&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp;&amp;nbsp; I hope that you are able to find what you need, I or someone else I am sure will provide you the assistance you need,&lt;br data-mce-bogus=&quot;1&quot;&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;&amp;nbsp; You have stated that you don&#039;t feel any better, I am not sure that I understand what you are referring to, &amp;nbsp; could or would you be a little more specific,&lt;br data-mce-bogus=&quot;1&quot;&gt;&lt;/p&gt;</p>

 

[TKH]

I thought just posting my thoughts would help. I feel like I can't get out of my head. I just wish I could find a way to feel just a little better.