You will find this here and you will read the history of posts I made over the last couple of years, and maybe it will help you understand. I hope it will at least provide you with some answers into why I did it, why I felt like it was the right choice for me, and why my life hurt so badly. I want you all to remember that I loved you all with all of my heart, I would have done anything for you. And I know if there was something you could have done to help me, lessen this pain, you probably already did or would have done, so please don't ever think I did not feel your love. I did and it got me through the worst days of my life, it is the only reason I was able to hang on at times. Your love made all the difference. It also made this choice to die incredibly painful and difficult because I knew my giving up would affect you, and if there was a way I could have done it without creating more pain, I would have. Ultimately my death is a selfish act and cowardly, but it is also for me the most merciful. Love one another with all of you heart.