**Warning - this will make no sense to anyone i should think apart from the person who it is adressed. Also it is a rant and probably will contain strong language so i completelt understand no one reading it or replying**
"I dont know who i am, or how i am meant to be"
"i worry about wat people think"
"I dont want to be a hassle"
"I'm dirty, worthless and used"
"you could do better than me"
"I WILL hurt u"
"I dont know what love even means"
"i'm screwed up"
"you cant save me"
"I dont want u to save me"
"i always mess my life up, its like i am set on self destruct"
Those are all things i said to you, some of them things i repeated over and over.
Not open enough?! Not clear enough?! How could have i been any fucking more fucking clear, short of screaming them or having them tatooed on my forehead?!?! Is it my fault u chose not to listen? That u were to wrapped up in your "love" for me u ignored it all?! Although it wasnt love was it?!?! No it was ur pathetic attempt at being a hero. See someone vulnerable and u want to "save" them, manipulate them, turn them into what u think is right.
Ok maybe i cud accept that u wanted things to be right so much that u ignored what i sed, but what about other people. I showed u wat other people thought of me. I told u to listen to it because it was the truth that u hadnt seen yet, but again u ignored me. U were to busy playing the hero again, avenging me for what that "horrible" person had said to even listen. The hero was a good act, it let u ignore so much.
You no wat the best bit is?! Wen i make the extra effort to be as honest as i possibly can i get accused of trying to hurt u?! HURT YOU!! Wat the fuck is that all about?! I mention the fact that YOU abused ME and i am trying to HURT YOU?!?!?! FFS! Open ur fucking eyes. U r not the victim in this, no matter how hard u try to make it so. It was me! YOU abused ME!
But its ok isnt it?! I mean it was only twice (yeh right?!) and wud never have happened again (again, yeh right?!) and i will just hate u and move on right?! FFS u really did have ur eyes shut our entire relationship didnt u? I dont just get over abuse, surely u saw that. Y do i have the word "love" carved in my leg if i just get over it? Y do i have nightmares every night? Y do i sit in corners or hide under the covers? Y sometimes cant i even speak? ... You saw all that and yet still u thought i'd just "move on".
You never lied wen we were together?! yeh right! Wat about wen u said u wud never hurt me? wat about wen u said u wud kill anyone that ever laid a hand on me? wat about wen u said it was always my choice what sexual stuff we did? They werent lies then? And then ofcourse there is the times u forgot to tell me. U didnt tell me about wat u were doing wen i was asleep and would have continued to not tell me. Thats not lieing, but it is purposful deceit which is the SAME!
You know what really makes me sad is i cant actually hate u. I pity you more, you view on reality is so distorted. You think u are bad at some many normal things and so have developed these extra abilities, which is just a load of crap. U think everyone is against u, poor guy everyone gives u a hard time dont they. I mean there was me - never honest or open (which u never told me) Jill - always treating u badly and playing games, Carl and ben - always taking the piss out of u. I used to feel bad for u, i didnt think u deserved any of that but now i have seen what u r like and i doubt any of them are even that against u! I feel more sorry for Jill now, poor women, if u treat her anywhere near how u have me no wonder she cant get anything right.
I KNOW i am not perfect, i KNOW i am fucked up, I KNOW i dont know how to do relationships and i TOLD u all this, so i assumed u knew to.
I dont deserve any of what u have been doing. I dont deserve the emotional crap and i didnt deserve the abuse either.
I dont no if u'll read this, i couldnt really care less. I know what u'll say anyway. Ur being unclear again, its all smoke and mirrors with u blah blah blah.
Well screw u! cos i'm done wid it all and i hope u rot in hell after a life of complete bitter lonlieness.
L1
"I dont know who i am, or how i am meant to be"
"i worry about wat people think"
"I dont want to be a hassle"
"I'm dirty, worthless and used"
"you could do better than me"
"I WILL hurt u"
"I dont know what love even means"
"i'm screwed up"
"you cant save me"
"I dont want u to save me"
"i always mess my life up, its like i am set on self destruct"
Those are all things i said to you, some of them things i repeated over and over.
Not open enough?! Not clear enough?! How could have i been any fucking more fucking clear, short of screaming them or having them tatooed on my forehead?!?! Is it my fault u chose not to listen? That u were to wrapped up in your "love" for me u ignored it all?! Although it wasnt love was it?!?! No it was ur pathetic attempt at being a hero. See someone vulnerable and u want to "save" them, manipulate them, turn them into what u think is right.
Ok maybe i cud accept that u wanted things to be right so much that u ignored what i sed, but what about other people. I showed u wat other people thought of me. I told u to listen to it because it was the truth that u hadnt seen yet, but again u ignored me. U were to busy playing the hero again, avenging me for what that "horrible" person had said to even listen. The hero was a good act, it let u ignore so much.
You no wat the best bit is?! Wen i make the extra effort to be as honest as i possibly can i get accused of trying to hurt u?! HURT YOU!! Wat the fuck is that all about?! I mention the fact that YOU abused ME and i am trying to HURT YOU?!?!?! FFS! Open ur fucking eyes. U r not the victim in this, no matter how hard u try to make it so. It was me! YOU abused ME!
But its ok isnt it?! I mean it was only twice (yeh right?!) and wud never have happened again (again, yeh right?!) and i will just hate u and move on right?! FFS u really did have ur eyes shut our entire relationship didnt u? I dont just get over abuse, surely u saw that. Y do i have the word "love" carved in my leg if i just get over it? Y do i have nightmares every night? Y do i sit in corners or hide under the covers? Y sometimes cant i even speak? ... You saw all that and yet still u thought i'd just "move on".
You never lied wen we were together?! yeh right! Wat about wen u said u wud never hurt me? wat about wen u said u wud kill anyone that ever laid a hand on me? wat about wen u said it was always my choice what sexual stuff we did? They werent lies then? And then ofcourse there is the times u forgot to tell me. U didnt tell me about wat u were doing wen i was asleep and would have continued to not tell me. Thats not lieing, but it is purposful deceit which is the SAME!
You know what really makes me sad is i cant actually hate u. I pity you more, you view on reality is so distorted. You think u are bad at some many normal things and so have developed these extra abilities, which is just a load of crap. U think everyone is against u, poor guy everyone gives u a hard time dont they. I mean there was me - never honest or open (which u never told me) Jill - always treating u badly and playing games, Carl and ben - always taking the piss out of u. I used to feel bad for u, i didnt think u deserved any of that but now i have seen what u r like and i doubt any of them are even that against u! I feel more sorry for Jill now, poor women, if u treat her anywhere near how u have me no wonder she cant get anything right.
I KNOW i am not perfect, i KNOW i am fucked up, I KNOW i dont know how to do relationships and i TOLD u all this, so i assumed u knew to.
I dont deserve any of what u have been doing. I dont deserve the emotional crap and i didnt deserve the abuse either.
I dont no if u'll read this, i couldnt really care less. I know what u'll say anyway. Ur being unclear again, its all smoke and mirrors with u blah blah blah.
Well screw u! cos i'm done wid it all and i hope u rot in hell after a life of complete bitter lonlieness.
L1
