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For that "special" person

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Just_visiting

Well-Known Member
#1
**Warning - this will make no sense to anyone i should think apart from the person who it is adressed. Also it is a rant and probably will contain strong language so i completelt understand no one reading it or replying**

"I dont know who i am, or how i am meant to be"
"i worry about wat people think"
"I dont want to be a hassle"
"I'm dirty, worthless and used"
"you could do better than me"
"I WILL hurt u"
"I dont know what love even means"
"i'm screwed up"
"you cant save me"
"I dont want u to save me"
"i always mess my life up, its like i am set on self destruct"
Those are all things i said to you, some of them things i repeated over and over.

Not open enough?! Not clear enough?! How could have i been any fucking more fucking clear, short of screaming them or having them tatooed on my forehead?!?! Is it my fault u chose not to listen? That u were to wrapped up in your "love" for me u ignored it all?! Although it wasnt love was it?!?! No it was ur pathetic attempt at being a hero. See someone vulnerable and u want to "save" them, manipulate them, turn them into what u think is right.

Ok maybe i cud accept that u wanted things to be right so much that u ignored what i sed, but what about other people. I showed u wat other people thought of me. I told u to listen to it because it was the truth that u hadnt seen yet, but again u ignored me. U were to busy playing the hero again, avenging me for what that "horrible" person had said to even listen. The hero was a good act, it let u ignore so much.

You no wat the best bit is?! Wen i make the extra effort to be as honest as i possibly can i get accused of trying to hurt u?! HURT YOU!! Wat the fuck is that all about?! I mention the fact that YOU abused ME and i am trying to HURT YOU?!?!?! FFS! Open ur fucking eyes. U r not the victim in this, no matter how hard u try to make it so. It was me! YOU abused ME!

But its ok isnt it?! I mean it was only twice (yeh right?!) and wud never have happened again (again, yeh right?!) and i will just hate u and move on right?! FFS u really did have ur eyes shut our entire relationship didnt u? I dont just get over abuse, surely u saw that. Y do i have the word "love" carved in my leg if i just get over it? Y do i have nightmares every night? Y do i sit in corners or hide under the covers? Y sometimes cant i even speak? ... You saw all that and yet still u thought i'd just "move on".

You never lied wen we were together?! yeh right! Wat about wen u said u wud never hurt me? wat about wen u said u wud kill anyone that ever laid a hand on me? wat about wen u said it was always my choice what sexual stuff we did? They werent lies then? And then ofcourse there is the times u forgot to tell me. U didnt tell me about wat u were doing wen i was asleep and would have continued to not tell me. Thats not lieing, but it is purposful deceit which is the SAME!

You know what really makes me sad is i cant actually hate u. I pity you more, you view on reality is so distorted. You think u are bad at some many normal things and so have developed these extra abilities, which is just a load of crap. U think everyone is against u, poor guy everyone gives u a hard time dont they. I mean there was me - never honest or open (which u never told me) Jill - always treating u badly and playing games, Carl and ben - always taking the piss out of u. I used to feel bad for u, i didnt think u deserved any of that but now i have seen what u r like and i doubt any of them are even that against u! I feel more sorry for Jill now, poor women, if u treat her anywhere near how u have me no wonder she cant get anything right.

I KNOW i am not perfect, i KNOW i am fucked up, I KNOW i dont know how to do relationships and i TOLD u all this, so i assumed u knew to.

I dont deserve any of what u have been doing. I dont deserve the emotional crap and i didnt deserve the abuse either.

I dont no if u'll read this, i couldnt really care less. I know what u'll say anyway. Ur being unclear again, its all smoke and mirrors with u blah blah blah.

Well screw u! cos i'm done wid it all and i hope u rot in hell after a life of complete bitter lonlieness.

L1
 

ibetam

Well-Known Member
#3
well, i know for sure who you are now, L1, thought you might be. could you not reference my friends and family in posts/threads, please. i'm quite happy people here knowing everything about me, but not those i'm connected to unless they themselves want to post on here.
 

Just_visiting

Well-Known Member
#4
That was written a long time ago, just after u abused me if i remember correctly. Its not how things r now, but believe me u wont get the chance to hurt anyone here. I dont come here anymore but had to come back wen i heard u were here, just to get rid of u. nd i dont hav the power? lol we'll see.
L1
 
#6
I think this thread should be locked b/c all it's doing is dragging personal real life drama between two members and it's also going to start a fight. Take your personal shit and keep it personal. DOn't drag shit like this into the masses b/c all it will do is get you in trouble.
 

Just_visiting

Well-Known Member
#7
yes i agree, as i said i wrote that along time ago (as u can see by the date on it) and was simply to vent feelings. i dont mind if its locked or anything. Its had its purpose
L1
 

ibetam

Well-Known Member
#8
that's why i refuse to comment on anything L1 has said directly. i just want to reiterate that L1 doesn't have the right to be posting references to people's personal identities any more than i do, especially when it's concerning my friends/family, unless they specify otherwise.
 
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