Friends like these?

[WoodyJames]

If you have seen my posts here you know I haven't lived the best life but I do my best to get over stuff and try to move on.

Recently my best friend got released from prison and we hadn't seen each other in years. A couple months after he got out he started calling me and asking me questions about cars (this is normal and he's not the only one that calls me about this). None of this is my issue and I know my friend tries to show he cares because he has said "I love you" and that's not something friends just throw out.

A week ago he stopped by and asked me to dial his Jeep in because it was running like s**t. I did and talked with him for a few hours. He left and I haven't heard from him again (not much of a surprise to me I'm nice so most people use me).

Now my 30th birthday was two days after he came by. I figured a person that would say "I love you" to a friend would also care enough to at least call them on their 30th birthday. But no. Not only did I not hear from him but I also couldn't even get an email, text, or phone call from anyone I know (both friends and family).

It's these things that push me to thoughts of suicide because people are happy to have me fix their stuff for free but when I want a "happy birthday" phone call/text it's too much for them to do. I've lost a lot of my friends this way because they do something like this and I stop talking to them because I'm not hear to help them every second they want it. Most people then call me a "dick" for it and my question is aren't they the "dick's" in this situation? What can a person with sever social anxiety do to meet new people that will be as nice to me as I am to them? I'm not asking someone to kiss my ass I just don't want to walked on for the rest of my life.

 

[SuicideSam]

I dont know how to help you with your friends as a lot of my own so called friends do the same to me, and I'm not sure if this will help but happy belated birthday, I hope you live a long and prosperous life full of love, happiness and friends that care

Stay safe and stay strong

 

[Marathon-Running-Bunny]

Happy belated birthday woodyjames. :hug:

Some insensitive selfish people were taking your kindness for granted. These are not friends but jerks! Don't let them make use of your kindness.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Hear what youre saying. Sometimes prison changes peoples treatment towards others or their perception in the world. I do feel this way people only talk to me when they want something or need help as ill help but otherwise im just put away until next time they need the help. My family is the exact same way when I needed help none were there for me but when they needed the help I was always helping out. Same shit at workplace. No one talks to me unless they need help or information n socializes with others n leave me out

 

[WoodyJames]

Thank you for taking the time to sympathize with me I do appreciate it.

DrownedFishOnFire - Not that it matters but he's been to jail and prison many times throughout our lives and we've known each other since we were kids so I didn't expect this from him. And I've been there with the work and socializing. Just last year I was at work and one employee went around and invited everyone at work to a party (right in front of me actually) and he never even tried to invite me or ask me if I wanted to go. And I have a hard time figuring out why? I'm not dirty and I don't stink. I'm not a fat slob (I'm actually a bit under weight). The only thing I can think of is most people assume I use drugs because I'm skinny but you'd think people would notice I'm not a druggy after they've known me for a while and never seen me high or using drugs. Hell even the mental hospital tried to say I was a druggy and they made me take two different drug tests on two different days. I passed but was still looked at as a "druggy". I just wish the world would realize people are skinny because of mental health issues as well but when the mental health professionals wont acknowledge it how will the rest of the world?

 

[What2Do]

I think our biggest problem mate, is that we generally and sincerely care toooooo much about others and when they hurt us by not reciprocating the feelings, we feel like the odd ones out, and look at ourselves for the faults! We allow other people's opinions and judgements to take control of how we live our lives. One common denominator in majority of the postings in this forum, is that every person here who no longer wants to be around, at some point mentions the same cause for their depression, and it's that someone else has made them feel neglected and abused!
I felt like shit yesterday, and was down in the dumps. This morning I woke up, and thought to myself, fuck it, and them, I'm not going spend my day being miserable, I'm going to spend my day with people who matter. I've done that and had a great day!
I think we all need to, at some point, put ourselves first. Being a "dick" for not wanting to help, is ok! Some people are "dicks" EVERY day of their lives and they are not the ones posting on this forum. The word "no" falls within everybody's vocabulary. Try using it and maybe those who have been abusing your kindness, will start appreciating you more when you do something for them in the future. None of us are carpets that others should feel they can walk over whenever they please.
Take control of your life, love yourself, don't feel the need to explain yourself to others to gain acceptance and treat people they way they treat you. Your happiness is vital for you to be the best person you can be.
One last thing brother. Do me a big favor. And this may be difficult. As from tomorrow morning, wake up with a different attitude and mindset. In other words. Wake up and be positive. Do not allow yourself to think negative thoughts, regardless of how you feel about the day ahead. Do this for 21 days and you'll see that your general mindset about life will change. It will become natural for you wake up in a good mood and have more courage to face the day and the "dicks" that may cross your path.
Happy belated birthday bro!

 

[itmahanh]

Honestly? Friends are over-rated. No matter how hard you try to please others, you do and will, end up being hurt. The more you try to please people, the more they take advantage of you. Then the one time you try to tell them so, OMG! you're an ass, a horrible person blah blah blah. I have 1 friend. And even that, we live provinces apart. Only ever met this friend in person once. Gawd only knows how she's managed to keep it going this long. EVERY other person that I have made friends with, ups and walks away once they are done using me for whatever they wanted. Oh I've heard it all... I promise I would never just walk away, I promise I would never hurt you like others have, I promise I'll be there for you just like you have been for me...and on and on. Where are all these people now? Haven't a clue...they tired of me and or the game they were playing once they knew for sure I was really hurting, they turned and walked away. I don't even try to make friends anymore. I too have many social anxiety issues and suffer major panic attacks outside the safety of my home ( along with other mental health issues). So that's where I stay.

Therapists, psychiatrists, mental health workers etc. all keep telling me that I have to love myself before others can and will. I've been hurt so many times so deeply by those that I trusted with every ounce of me that I have no idea how to love myself anymore. I don't have trust issues...I just don't trust anyone anymore.

The saddest part is knowing that the rest of the world is missing out on having an incredibly great person as a buddy or pal. That hurts. So I sit in my house, pretty much all day, losing myself in website after website trying to stay sane. Guess it's your choice to make. Me I don't need friends. So I don't try to make any anymore. Yeah it's lonely and it hurts. But at least I'm saving the false hopes and ultimate rejection from those that play the "Hey...I'm your friend" card. It's my way of protecting myself. I can't trust anyone else or even myself anymore to make sure I don't get hurt, yet, again. This way, I never will have to.

So you have a choice to make. No one else can make it for you. When you play in the big world, you will get a world of hurt for your efforts. But when you play alone in your own little corner of the world, you still get hurt, but it's by your own doing and for me that is a little less painful.

 

[WoodyJames]

One last thing brother. Do me a big favor. And this may be difficult. As from tomorrow morning, wake up with a different attitude and mindset. In other words. Wake up and be positive. Do not allow yourself to think negative thoughts, regardless of how you feel about the day ahead. Do this for 21 days and you'll see that your general mindset about life will change. It will become natural for you wake up in a good mood and have more courage to face the day and the "dicks" that may cross your path.
Happy belated birthday bro!

That's not a bad idea I'll try that.

itmahanh - Thank you for taking the time to respond. I've noticed the one thing that differs from me and most people in my situation is that I've always loved myself for who I am. I never really noticed it until my therapist mentioned that we don't need to work on my liking myself because I already do but we do need to work on my anxiety, panic attacks, trust issues, and the ability to say "no" to people.

 

[What2Do]

The problem is we are like puppies. We look for people that seem kind, affectionate, caring and "better" than us, and then we end up doing everything in our power to gain their approval and acceptance. We trust them when they have never earned our trust. In the long run, we get a boot up the ass and then hate and distrust everyone that comes our way. What we need to do is find balance. Don't allow yourself to be an easy target. Don't focus on making it your duty to make others happy when they haven't made it their duty to make you happy. Take things slow. The toughest thing for you to do is to model yourself in such a way, that you can meet people and kind of "not give a shit" about their needs and opinions, not early in the relationship anyway. That way, you are not opening yourself to abuse. If the person sticks around, it might be worth investing time and energy in them. Don't go into a friendship/relationship with a mindset of "I want to do everything I can, at all costs, to impress this person". There's a great chance you'll end up burning your fingers.
Don't give up on all people because of bad experiences. I don't believe that us human beings were designed to be alone. We have been knitted in such a way that we thrive off interacting with others, whether we like it or not. Lastly, be careful of who you judge. You can be a Doctor and you can become great friends with the griller at Burger King, for example. No one is beneath you, and if you're unable to give someone a chance, because of their socio economic status, race, sexuality, or physical attributes, you may be depriving yourself of a true friend who is able to add love, laughter and quality to your life. The only reason you'll behave this way, is because you are too scared of what others may think.

 

[itmahanh]

That's not a bad idea I'll try that.

itmahanh - Thank you for taking the time to respond. I've noticed the one thing that differs from me and most people in my situation is that I've always loved myself for who I am. I never really noticed it until my therapist mentioned that we don't need to work on my liking myself because I already do but we do need to work on my anxiety, panic attacks, trust issues, and the ability to say "no" to people.

Woody...you just brought a smile to my face! I truly feel proud of you for recognizing the good person you are and for loving yourself. Too few people can earnestly state that! Good on you dude!

I know there is a goofy, fun loving, crazy (in a bipolar manic, not coocoo for coco puffs kinda crazy)person somewhere inside and underneath all the other crap that is me. If I can make a person smile or (oh this makes me get all tingly) have a laugh at my silliness...I feel like I've just created something worthy of noble peace prize status. That simple. I don't except too much at all from another person to be my friend. But just as much as I can be fun for others, or helpful for and towards others...I cannot seem to do those same things for me. That is training that started when I was a little girl. It was drilled into me to the point that no matter how hard I try to put myself first...the guilt of doing so or sometimes even just thinking like that eats me up. I spent a childhood in situations where I had to be the caregiver or nurturer. That's how it had to be. I spent my young adult days pretty much the same way. I spent my marriage playing that role for my kids and my ex. But now throw in being abused on so many different levels by a person that is supposed to love you. Yeah...pretty much an entire lifetime of being taught and told...you don't count. Sometimes when people make general statements like What2do...I offer back that you make sure that you aren't coming off as some sort of an expert on life. Not everyone fits into the same categories as those listed on the page of a text book. Some people change with little effort. Some people need a little help. Some people really struggle with making that change. And then there's me...I have spent so many years trying and now I'm too tired to give a rat's ass about changing anymore. Dead is a change and it doesn't take much effort from me at all.

 

[scaryforest]

i think issue here is not recognizing users from genuine people early enough

 

[WoodyJames]

scaryforest - Like others you made a good point.

Thanks to all for your replies I appreciate them and I honestly don't know what I will do. I also wouldn't say I'm picking bad friends. I have social anxiety so I only talk to people that talk to me first. Apparently the people that feel the need to start a conversation with me don't tend to be the best people.

 

[scaryforest]

Apparently the people that feel the need to start a conversation with me don't tend to be the best people.

then you have missed my point.

but social anxiety, that's a hard one to deal and keep a clear perspective, agreed

 

[WoodyJames]

Not necessarily. I got what you said and I can apply it to my future but the statement you quoted was an observation of my past. Maybe I am though (I'm responding because I'm curious and want to make sure I get it and please be patient I am legally considered mentally disabled). And yes anxiety is a hard one and that's why I have appointments with mental health specialist once a week and I do what I can to get better even if only a little bit.

 

[scaryforest]

what do they make you think about there?

 

[WoodyJames]

My mental health appointments? Discuss ways to get over anxiety one step at a time. And talk about things that bother me to a point I feel the need to talk about it. Sorry I'm not sure I understood what you're asking I have a hard time with stuff like this.

 

[MessengerFromHell]

Like it or not, friends come and go. If they go, let them be and move on. Take it in your stride. I hear your disappointment when your friend did not bother to wish you happy birthday, which is important to you. True friends will make an effort to remember your birthday no matter how busy they are.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Not to derail,

Some people like me do not find birthdays important. I barely remember my own family's birthday i struggle with dates all of the time. My sister is the one that tells me every time someone's birthday that day so I can just tell them happy birthday. It's not everyone's important thing. My own birthday I made an point not to have a party since I've been a teen.

I sometimes agree with mad hatter, just find an excuse to celebrate ones unbirthday it's more important. Cuz its the other 364 days in the year and an excuse to eat a cake.

 

[WoodyJames]

DrownedFishOnFire - I almost would agree with you but they don't even try to hangout on days that aren't my birthday. When my friend came by he was bragging about going out and having fun but never even asked if I'd want to join them. My family isn't much better I haven't even had a cake since I was 9. The closest I've gotten to a birthday celebration was going to Hooters with my grandpa when I was a teenager.