From hero to zero. The slide of a firefighter paramedic

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Fallen firefighter, Jan 10, 2014.

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  1. I have been a paramedic for 9 years and was a firefighter for 12. I was fired for no reason at all. I tryed to get my job back and it's never gonna happen. I saved the asses of my fellow firefighters many times. I'm a extremely good medic and I have done a lot... However... All my efforts are now vapor.... I have 20,000 in student loan debt, a house that is 5 states away with a property manager who has fucked me out of 3 months rent and I'm gonna let the house go if I can't figure something out, a best friend who I left Oklahoma and moved back to California to help him with his business.... And I haven't seen a profit or any income for 3 months...I'm in $12,000 in credit card debt.... And counting..... I've thought of suicide many times over the years and have attempted about 12 times..... Most were poor efforts where I saw the light and how wonderful the world is haha....on the outside il tall very good looking and funny.... On the inside my blood is filled with acid burning me from the inside out......

    Over the years I have seen many people die... Terrible deaths.... I wish I could trade places with them....I had a moment in my last fire I was in where I thought of removing my equipment and taking deep breaths of the smoke.... And die a hero.... I regret everyday that I wake up now for not doing that.... It would have bee perfect....yes I have 3 kids.... They are 6, 4, and 3... Two boys and a girl..... They are wonderful.... They are the only reason why I haven't done it yet.... But honestly.... I'm almost ready... A long time patient of mine.. Told me once.... "You know when ur ready to die?" When u can put a gun in you mouth and not cry.....yes he finally killed himself and I respect him for having the balls to do it...... When I put a gun in my mouth... I shed no tears...... It feels good.... Really good...that's why I sold my guns.... I am downtown my last nerve.... Like I'm ready..... Like no bs ready like not tonight ready like hot n ready lil cesers pizza ready...... I'm thinking of joining the Army.... Put on a face face like normal and see if I can get lucky and die doing something good....
  2. I'm going to kill myself on Monday. I did the math.... Leaving my family with ssi death benefits is the best I can do for them. Life is what it is. I just want to see my 49ers play one last time with my son before I do it. I think I'm gonna make it look like I was murdered... Just to save a lil face... Best of luck to the rest of you... My journey is coming to an end... I was trying to hold off til my 31st birthday on the 25th... Or my 7th wedding anniversary on February 2nd... But enough a enough..
  3. liktheangel

    liktheangel Active Member

    Please don't kill yourself. I know it's hard but please stay alive their are a lot of people out their who will be hurt if you do this.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    So you don't think this will destroy your children think again ok it doesn't matter how you go you will pass on your pain you will cause them all a life time of pain and depression just stating a fact
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